Money is a Map
“Even the great get greater by doing more of it.” — Colleen Wainwright
A Guest Post by Colleen Wainwright… our gay-friendly friend and writer at Communicatrix. Here are her thoughts on money:
I have a strange relationship with money.
On the one hand, I’ve been fortunate enough never to run completely dry of it. My dad made enough money to pay the full boat on college, and even modestly subsidize me in my first New York, advertising job. (As they used to say about starting out at Y&R, “It’s a nice place to work if your parents can afford to send you.”)
On the other hand, I’m pretty sure that part of the reason I’ve never been flat broke or in debt is that I am terrified of both. Literally. I have one waking nightmare, and that is the fear of being bonked over the head accidentally-on-purpose, forgetting who I am, losing touch with all friends and family (who for some reason, have all stopped looking for me) and ending up pushing a shopping cart through the streets of New York City (and yes, it’s always New York, even after I moved to Chicago and L.A.).
So I’m not exactly a cheap bastard”I like stuff too much, and I enjoy being generous with friends and family”but I definitely have weird frugal streaks. For example, last year The BF got three things for his birthday:
1. a cashmere sweater
2. two months of guitar/piano lessons with my favorite teacher
3. and dinner out at a nice restaurant
If you’re doing the math, you can see that this wasn’t exactly cheap. But…
1. I got the sweater with a Bloomie’s gift card earned with accrued points on my Yahoo! VISA
2. the lessons were an excellent value and by spending cash money using a friend’s service, I keep the money in the family
3. I”well, I got hosed on this one, but The BF is worth it…plus I put it on my Yahoo! VISA, thereby earning points towards new underpants from Bloomie’s, which I desperately need
Now, someone who was bona-fide frugal”say, my ex-husband, who is UBER-frugal (and I say that with nothing but admiration, trust me)”would call ‘bullshit’, pointing out what, on the surface, are frugal anomalies:
1. I have digital cable (in the bedroom AND on my computer)
2. I regularly blow spectacular amounts of money on whatever the hell strikes my fancy at Trader Joe’s
3. I not only enjoy dining at Houston’s, home of the laughably overpriced hamburger, but often drive 10 miles for the privilege
And Bona-Fide Frugal Person would be right, because fancy burgers and the ability to watch Judge Judy reruns in two rooms at once aren’t exactly up there with air and shelter when it comes to basic needs.
But I finally settled on the idea that real frugality (for me, anyway) was having an awareness about money and what it can do”mindful spending, if you will, as opposed to mindless penny pinching. Like every other component of my life, the clearer and more honest I get about who I am and what I want, the better choices I find myself making and the happier I am both with my relationship to the thing itself and my life, period.
Do I like that I think it’s reasonable to pay $90/month for television when there are people starving in Darfur or, for that matter, four blocks south of me? Good lord, no”I’m a constant and egregious source of humiliation to myself every hour of every day. I am a person more willing to blow $90″NINETY DOLLARS, PEOPLE!!!”on vile entertainment even after admitting that I have a recurring waking fear of pushing a goddamn shopping cart. Forget selfish and greedy; I’m a flat-out moron.
The thing is, I know it…now. Whereas I used to pretend I wasn’t a moron”the same way I used to pretend I was happy (I wasn’t) or had my shit together (I didn’t) or was fearless (hahahahaha!), I maintain a heightened sense of awareness about my ridiculous attachment to television and, as long as I’m not being reckless with money (e.g., not giving away an acceptable-to-me amount, not having enough to take care of basic needs, not being able to offer food or shelter to a friend in need), the hell with me and my little TV addiction. Let it ride.
It’s a far more honest, “clean” way to work, and ultimately, I think it will get me to where I want to be (free from stupid cable) than hammering on myself (dumping stupid cable before I am ready).
In fact, I trust that as I move towards a real understanding and acceptance of who I am, three things will happen regarding me and money:
1. I may have more of it, but I will “need” less
2. I may have less of it, but I will fear less
3. Regardless of how much or little I have, I will have more room in my life for joy and goodness
Ultimately, I want from my money what I want from every other aspect of my life: happiness. But it’s not the money that will do it; it’s my relationship to the money. If I approach it with fear (or avoid dealing with it at all), like most relationships, things aren’t going to go so well. If, on the other hand, I approach it with respect, awareness and care, I’m pretty sure it will flourish.
And so, my friends, will I…
Colleen- my partner Susan & I are exactly like you! Sometimes it seems like we’re scrimping on some things (kids clothes) but blowing it on other stuff (we too have a digital cable addiction).
The biggest challenge for us has been rebudgeting for Susan to be a stay at home mom. We both embarked upon some soul searching and came up with millions of ways we *could* save money, but then went back over them and rated things in order of importance to our family.
Digital cable at $78/month (we *have* to have Showtime and heretv) becomes a bargain when we looked at what we’d be willing to give up to keep it on. No more buying dvds, dvd sets, going to movies, etc- this will be all our “entertainment” allotment. Susan quit smoking and I quit soda and coffee.
Clothes- are now not important at all to Susan. She will need a few good outfits for her duties as our church council president and her work with the church (yay her- she’s been on a task force with the Lutheran Church for a few years- ironing out issues as they relate to GLBT members), but otherwise needs basics only. Kids clothes- not that important as our kids are young enough to not be label aware and like to thrift shop and garage sale with us.
Food costs- we almost never go out to eat and rarely buy any Happy Meals for the kids. Susan, being home, has become the master chef- and we have never eaten better! Who knew so many leftovers would be good in quesadillas? And that our kids love to create their own “insides” for their quesadillas?
Travel- this is where we save so much money! Susan’s job had involved a great deal of driving- and not enough back in mileage! Just before she quit her job, we actually upgraded to a van. With 3 growing kids, it was clear the carseats and boosters were not going to fit much longer in the back seat of our old Sonata. We paid for it in cash- our last hurrah of her money- the dealer hardly knew to complete the paperwork since so few pay in cash! Susan keeps the kids moving during the day- walking to park, free swimming lessons offered by the city, free summer library programs, etc. I usually bus to work but occasionally get dropped off when she’s doing errands in the mornings. We pay less for gas now at $3+/gallon then we did when it was under $2— since we use so much less.
We are getting through some big renovations that had been needing to get done and doing it all ourselves. I am just finishing up the painting on our 2 bathrooms after complete renos and evenings after the kids go to bed, Susan has been scraping and sanding our house to get it ready for us to paint soon. Now we have the time to do it as we would want it done- rather than paying someone to maybe get it almost the way we’d want it. Again, its just because of the shifting in our priorities…
Budgeting and financing is always a work in progress- stick to it— and make sure you identify your own priorities, not just the *shoulds* out there. So what if you blow some money on cable- it’s all about choices and this is yours, Colleen.
Thanks Colleen. What a refreshing read! I’d say your relationship with money is realistic. I think the ‘strange’ part is that more people aren’t honest in their approach to money. I help my clients work towards comfort with their finances. Your posting will be inspiring to them–I’ll pass the link along!Thanks again!
DivaJean – sounds like you guys are really aware of and honest about your spending, which to me is the most important step. I’m all over the cable right now b/c it gives me such amazing value for my dollar, even at highway-robber rates. I get waaaaaay more work done at night with the drone of Law & Order to accompany me. I just wish I was the lofty-ass type who worked hard to PBS and Mozart…
Allison – thank YOU for the words of encouragement! It’s a little scary hanging your stuff out there, esp. when it’s so un-P.C., but maybe the more people see other people do it, the more honest (and solvent!) we’ll all be.