WWYD: The Family Hero
In my whole extended family, I am the only one to graduate college, the only one to have lived abroad, and the only one to have a corporate job. (So far as I know, I’m also the only one who is gay, though there is an aunt I’m not too sure about …)
Anyway, family members look to me to provide answers on things, even if I have no knowledge of them (like “What’s wrong with my computer CD drive, it stopped working!”). Legal advice, financial advice, career advice. A friend in a similar situation sarcastically refers to this as “The Family Hero” syndrome. I bet every family has one or two.
Regular readers of this blog know that I am raising my niece and also caring for my disabled Mom. But outside of birthdays and Christmas, other family members (Dad, sister, brother-in-law, etc.) aren’t getting any financial help from me. I’ve never really discussed it with them, but I wonder if they feel shortchanged? Some of them are definitely struggling financially, and I feel a lot of guilt about it.
So when my Dad hit me up for money recently, I really didn’t know how to respond. He lives very simply, and I really don’t perceive him as wasteful or careless with money. He just doesn’t have a lot of it. He has no car, and travels around San Diego by means of his 18-speed bicycle, which is now nearing 20 years old. He asked me for a loan of $3,000 to buy a new 18-speed, and pay me back $100 a month.
I really had no issue with his need for a new bicycle (although his old one still works, needing occasional repairs). And while $100 a month would take more than two years to repay the loan, I think my Dad is good for it, so I wasn’t really worried about losing the money.
The real issue is the precedent it sets. Other family members are in much more dire straits financially, and a LOT less responsible (which is probably why they are in dire straits all the time). Obviously everyone communicates with each other, so it wouldn’t take long for news of a loan to my Dad to make the rounds in the family.
I’m pretty sure what would happen next: the Rich Bank (that’s funnier than I meant it to be) would be open for business. A litany of trials and tribulations would come my way, along with requests for varying amounts of money. I really don’t want to be in the business of lending (and quite possibly losing) money to various and sundry family members.
And I can only imagine the bad feelings that would arise if someone got more than someone else; or someone failed to pay me back, and the gossip and judgements started pouring in. Families stop talking over crap like this.
On the other hand, my Dad really needs a new bicycle, if not today, then soon.
What would you do?
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I think you should buy him the actual bike for Christmas or birthday. That would cut down on the requests, because you didn’t give money. I don’t expect any money “lent” to family to actually get returned. It’s a bike for your father for transportation purposes.
Okay- now I really know why I relate to your posts! You *are* the family hero- much like I am in mine. I was the one who took care of mom when cancer struck- I am the one who lives nearby to be the reliable one= eldest child syndrome. (If I were to plot out my family tree, you would swear I was writing some weird sitcom- I have stepsisters in full quiver Utah fringe families; I have a half brother who is the family ne’er do well; etc).
I would probably *loan” Dad some money- but making sure it was only an amount I could live without and mentally write off as a gift anyways. For me, that would not be the full amount of the bike, but your mileage may vary.
i’d give my dad the money and never ask for it back. (if i had the money, ie).
for me, my dad is my hero and always will be. he always gave me anything i wanted as a child and would still give me anything i ask for. there’s no way i’d deny him anything (or my mom for that matter).