office towerAs a newly-hired gay executive in a huge global company, how much do you reveal about yourself, and to whom? Your first moves could make or break your career with the company, so I intended to start out strong, confident — and out. Of course, the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry…

My very first day, we had a global team meeting all morning, with people dialed in from around the world. I was introduced and asked to say a few words about my past experience and my new role. Afterwards, all the staff in the headquarters were treated to a nice lunch, and one of my new direct reports asked me, in front of quite a few onlookers, “What’s your wife’s name, and what does she do?”

I have to confess I was really taken aback, and I kind of paused and said “Uh … I’m unmarried.” At which point the poor questioner recoiled with embarrassment and said “I’m so sorry, I just assumed when you mentioned your family that you were married, and I thought I could include her in fun stuff outside of work, and I’m really sorry.” I felt like crap too, because the poor gal was just being friendly and it ended up being awkward. And I was not entirely truthful. I just didn’t feel comfortable, on my first day, to come out to a whole crowd, including many of my own direct reports that I hadn’t even formally met yet. It wasn’t exactly brave. But, I don’t want to be the guy who wears a pink triangle and announces on the first day to the whole team that he’s in love with a guy. It’s just not the first thing I want people to know about me, before I’ve even had a chance to make a professional connection with them.

However, during my one-to-one meetings with people during the rest of the first week, whenever the subject of “family” or the big move came up, I took the opportunity to mention Rob. I didn’t say “Hi! I’m gay and my partner’s name is Rob.” But when people asked about how I’m handling the move, I mentioned that my partner Rob is in New Jersey until we close on the old house (this Friday) while I’m here handling the close on the new house (tomorrow).

Somehow it seems much more natural, and more professional, to tell people one by one rather than make a big announcement. But I can also admit that, maybe, I chickened out on day one. Maybe I don’t want to be “the gay guy.” I’d rather be the mature, professional, effective executive (who by the way is gay).

In any case, now in my third week, pretty much the whole department has heard from me (or a neighbor, no doubt) about me, my partner, the big move, yadda yadda. And I have to say I’m very impressed (and even surprised) that here in the midwest, the only reaction to my “news” has been “Really? What’s he like? What does he do?” No frowns, no silent treatment afterward, no biblical verses of hellfire and brimstone. In fact, quite often people have said “Well when you are both out here we have to have drinks” or some such. One colleague even got tears in her eyes, told me that both her brothers are gay, both are partnered, and how much she loves them.

So my fears of being an openly gay executive in the midwest have largely been dispelled. I have heard that it’s more passive-aggressive out here than the east, meaning people won’t necessarily show their disapproval, but will find ways to remove themselves and keep their distance. That may still happen. But when people actually open their cell phones to share contact details of their gay friends, I can’t say I’m feeling the cold shoulder.

Of course, it helps that I did my homework during the interview process, and noted that the company scored a whopping 100% on the HRC corporate equality index, including a stated policy of nondiscrimination re: sexual orientation and gender identity. That doesn’t mean every employee is going to be lining up to host a gay pride parade, but that, given my first-hand coming out experiences so far, bodes well.