LGBT and Caring for Aging Parents
‘œForty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.’ ‘“ Victor Hugo
Jeanine and I spent the weekend in the Berkshires celebrating a friend’s fortieth birthday. We’re getting to the age where any time I see people I haven’t seen in awhile, they ask about the health of my parents and in turn they talk about theirs. One told me the heartrending story of her father’s progression with Alzheimer’s and the burden it has placed on herself, her mother and siblings.
Awhile back, John asked the question: Would You Disrupt Your Life to Provide Care for Aging Parents? He writes, ‘œIt’s not just a matter preserving your lifestyle and bank account that makes planning for your parents’ future a delicate balancing act. Time, money and energy are limited resources. When these considerations come up against family histories, tensions, and striving for personal goals, the question of whether you would disrupt your life to provide care for aging parents isn’t as easy as some people would like think.’
According to AGIS.com, ‘œThe typical caregiver deals with this for an average of 4.3 years which not only disrupts one’s ‘œhome-life’ but can ravage one’s workplace productivity.’ They continue, ‘œProviding eldercare and long term care for family members is one of the most costly, yet least understood, health care challenges in the United States.’
The acronym AGIS stands for AssistGuide Information Services and it’s a comprehensive resource for those experiencing the many stages of caring for an aging parent. Whether you’re just assessing the situation or trying to find help, AGIS provides access.
Last year, MetLife along with the American Society on Aging released a report called ‘œOut and Aging: The MetLife Study of Lesbian and Gay Baby Boomers.’ The report revealed, ‘œThat one in four respondents said they provided care for an adult friend or family member in the previous six months, which is more than the one in five who have reported providing such care in studies of the general population.’
Why does more of the burden fall on the gay kid? Before I made the decision to have children, I always felt it was my financial responsibility to help my parents, if the need ever presented itself, at a greater percentage than my siblings with children. My sisters and brother never put this expectation on me’¦ it was self-imposed, but looking back, I wonder why I felt this way.
Now that we’re trying to have a child, it’s unlikely that I’ll volunteer to contribute more than my equal share. Although as the one adult child living out of town, the physical brunt of being a caregiver will fall on one of my sisters. My brother lives near them, but one sister always said it’s the daughters that care. Isn’t there always one that resents the fact that the others moved away or checked out emotionally?
Remember the scene in Home for the Holidays, where Holly Hunter’s sister goes off in a fit of rage about being the one left behind to care for their parents. Holly Hunter replies, ‘œWe don’t have to like each other. We’re family.’
Gay or straight, we still have the responsibility of being from and part of a family. Families have parents and all parents will age. How do you handle these complexities?
We are the ones left behind for both sides of the family. Right now, it’s been advantageous for us to have support in childcare- neither side can handle all 4 kids but we can break up the pack and they do okay.
However, my step father has been quite infirm and my partner ends up doing all the big household stuff for my mom & him (mowing the lawn, raking the leaves, shoveling snow) in turn.
We will be the sandwiched generation in no time, given how old we are and how young our kids are. But we’ve planned it that way, knowing that both of us feel the familial responsibility since we have had the closer relationship with our folk than our siblings have had, since they all moved away.