Sleeping With Money: What Does Money MEAN to You?
I’ve been reading the book “Secrets of the Millionaire Mind” by T. Harv Eker recently and as I stumbled across one section I thought — now THAT is a Sleeping with Money topic! You see, as a coach I often work with people
around changing their relationship with money. After all changing our beliefs, thoughts, and relationship with money are the only lasting ways to change your behaviors around money. Sure you can grit your teeth and willpower yourself to a change but 1) it is not sustainable and 2) the minute some difficulty shows up in your life you instantly revert to old behaviors and 3) you’re relying on some external driver to propel you forward which never works, it first must come from within. Clearly everyone has their own relationship with money and money style. In a relationship the challenges of this are compounded. If you think you sometimes feel schizophrenic in your own mental chatter about money, imagine how much fun it is to do the tango with two.
In the book, Eker uses the example of how the meaning he and his wife gave to money were radically different. To him it meant security and freedom and his default behavior was saving. To her it meant pleasure and her default behavior was spending. As you can see, every time he refused to spend because he was following his meaning, he was denying her pleasure. Every time she spent because she wanted some pleasure, she was denying him his freedom and security. As you can imagine this is not a recipe for happy financial partnership whether gay or straight!
So, I brought this question to my own partner this morning at breakfast (yes she LOVES being zapped with deep questions before 7am) — what does money mean to you? After some sideways glances and jockeying around her desire to make sure necessities are met, she confessed that to her money is about pleasure, spending, and doing/having things you want. Growing up the family activities revolved around spending as a recreational activity. Endless shopping for stuff (even though some of the basic repairs & necessities were ignored because they cost too much) and a truckload of gambling – carnivals, casinos, horse races, etc. While none of the activities were expensive in and of themselves, spending money was clearly a source of fun, recreation, pleasure, and bonding with those you love.
I, on the other hand, am a saver. I have saved money since I was a little kid. Of course I both want to save it all AND spend it but that is a different story for another time. To me money represents freedom and security. The opportunity to have what I want, buy the experiences I desire, and also build wealth for the long term. With the exception of a few vices, I am far more likely to not spend than to spend. I hate shopping except for my hobbies. I spend more time tallying up savings and looking at account balances than flipping through catalogs.
The good news is that we share the same values and desire experiences more than things and we’re both committed to being financially sound. Even so, the conflict of spend versus save can rear its ugly head. Kim likes to bring home treats and little “extras” and all I see is money that could have been saved. I’ve learned though that we need to stay in conversation and agreement because simply attacking the “treats” is like attacking her. She has a story and a meaning around why she purchases something she does and as long as our long term goals aren’t being affected, it is a fine time for me to practice the art of silence. I’m sure for her I drive her nuts in other ways. And, all this conflict whether minute or huge stems from the different meanings we each attribute to money.
How about you? What does money mean to you? What programming about money did you receive growing up? Was money to be spent? Saved? Hoarded? How does that play out in your personal finances and in your relationship with your partner?
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Paula Gregorowicz is the Comfortable in Your Own Skin(tm) Coach and you can learn more at her website www.thepaulagcompany.com and blog www.coaching4lesbians.com .
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Paula: regarding childhood — my mother thought my father didn’t earn enough money, my father thought my mother spent too much money – and this resulted in a lot of tension in the house when I was growing up.
I knew that I didn’t want this to be my relationship story. I told Jeanine early on that it was more important to me how she *spent* her money vs. how much money she made.
Great post and important point that communication is key. Money isn’t a romantic subject, but couples need to talk about it.
Paula, you talked about ‘money as security’ and ‘money as in-the-moment-pleasure,’ but what about ‘money as status?’ Does it take a backseat to the other two, or do you think it’s a primary motivator?
I think money as status can be an equally valid primary motivator. There are many…. ‘money as status’ is definitely a biggie. I just touched on the ones illustrated in the book example & my own life.
What might be some others people are noticing?
To me, money is security, but it manifests itself as a dislike of spending large sums of money which is then partially ruined by the continuous spending of smaller sums.
My mother thought my father earned plenty, but she didn’t want to be reckless and spend too much. My father, on the other hand, knew how much he earned and would periodically make purchases accordingly. This always made me nervous because I felt like we didn’t have enough money (since mom tried to keep us from living to the full extent of our means, good for her!).
Mr. Micah came from a family where they didn’t always have enough money to buy groceries. He doesn’t like to think much about money because of all the unpleasant emotions. But he also doesn’t overspend on big useless things to compensate.
So we’ve worked out that I control the money because I’m like my mom, wanting us to live within our means (well-within if possible). And he’s willing to participate but would rather not do it more than a few times per month. So I update him periodically and let him know what the budget it for most areas and he doesn’t spend outside it. So far it’s working. 🙂