Spending Money on Same-Sex Anniversary Gifts
‘œTrue love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.’ ‘“ Erich Segal
Jeanine and I celebrated our fifth anniversary last Thursday. We never had a commitment ceremony and although we consider ourselves married, neither one of us ever had a burning desire to stand up in front of our friends and family and profess love for each other. Quite frankly, we both think the white dress ritual is a bit much ‘“ especially knowing that my family would wince at the spectacle of two lesbians exchanging vows in wedding gowns and boycott the entire event. Even I sometimes think queer ceremonies seem nonsensical. Some people want one and that’s fine for them’¦ but it’s unlikely we’ll ever have a ‘œwedding’.
That said, I thought it was important to have a fortieth birthday party and we’ll do the same for Jeanine early next year. We spent a small fortune on mine (done fashionably at the Avalon Hotel in Beverly Hills). I paid a handsome sum for my outfit as well. Jeanine thought my birthday budget was very unNina-like, but I justified the expense by saying that we never had a wedding so I thought we should make up for it on our milestone birthdays. A life event like this has a way of marking time and is money well spent. Of course, next time I’ll think twice about hosting an open bar. Beer and wine only for those lushes. Anyone want to guess what a martini goes for at the Avalon?
Back to our anniversary. This was the year that Jeanine and I planned to buy each other rings. The real McCoy’¦ the tens-of-thousands-of-dollars kind of commitment rings. That was our hope but the baby-making costs put a kink in those intentions and rings are on hold until a healthy baby is growing inside Jeanine.
My practical side wondered if we really needed to even exchange gifts this year but I knew this wouldn’t go over well with Jeanine. While I’m the expressive one in the card department, Jeanine is better about making events ‘œspecial’. Holidays are a good example: I’m fine shutting the porch light off on Halloween and reading in bed. Jeanine will have none of that. We’ll be carving pumpkins and having friends over for autumnal stew’¦ on a school night. Our kid is going to love holidays.
So while I wanted to say that the money we’re spending on IVF should be our gifts to each other, Jeanine had a better suggestion. She knows that the only kind of shopping I like to do without freaking out is when we spend money to make our house and living experience better. The things we wear on our bodies (and our typical anniversary options: jewelry, perfume, clothing) don’t fall into this category.
However, house items do. It’s odd, but spend $1000 on a new jacket and I’ll have remorse for days and ask repeatedly, ‘œDo we really need this?’ Even Joe Lupo’s handy ‘œcost per wear value equation‘ can’t defend the purchase of overpriced clothes’¦ in my humble fashion-challenged opinion.
But apply the same formula to a house item and I’m all for making the justification. Jeanine was very clever with her anniversary suggestion. She’s known for years that I’ve wanted nice wine glasses. Whenever we have a dinner party with seating in the range of eight to ten, I’m always super agitated that the table is a hodgepodge of stemware.
Isn’t that something that straight people get at their wedding? The wedding we’ll never be having. So we decided to spend money on nice wine glasses. I was giddy with excitement. Jeanine was just pleased that I was willing to traipse around South Coast Plaza on a Saturday afternoon even if it was in search of Riedel crystal and not clothes.
The outing was a success and we even bought some other household incidentals’¦ the Wusthof paring knife that had mysteriously disappeared, the coffee carafe that leaked with every pour and a few other items. All these purchases brought us pleasure. They say things can’t make you happy but I disagree. Sometimes things can and for me personally, these types of things making day-to-day living more beautiful are worth every dime. Do you agree?
So my queer coupled readers, how do you celebrate anniversaries? Do you give each other gifts? Are they simple? Are they extravagant? Do you talk about them beforehand? Have the gifts been different in year one vs. year five vs. year ten and beyond? Do you think our choice was practical and lacked romance? How did you pick your anniversary date in the first place? Comments welcomed below.
One final note, since the wine glasses were a bit higher on my list of wants than on Jeanine’s. She had a separate anniversary request: She wanted our closets and drawers to be better organized. Now were sounding like we’ve been together twenty years and not five. So after the housewares were loaded up into the car, we drove across the street and got de-clutter religion. Is it really possible to spend $300 at the Container Store? It is. Believe you me.
And last night we spent the evening organizing the kitchen drawers while sipping vino out of our new Riedel glasses. Life and love is grand!
Good questions, Nina. Zac and I like to celebrate our anniversary each month. Since we were friends before we started dating, there were a mish-mash of important dates that led to us being a couple, so we just arbitrarily picked the first of the month. There’s something fun about confusing people when we say, “Yeah, we’ll be celebrating our 21st anniversary shortly,” when really it just means how many months we’ve been together.
Celebrating our anniversary each month is fun and easy. The extent of our celebration depends on how busy we are at the time; how much we can plan ahead; budget considerations; etc. Typically we don’t buy gifts each month. Maybe flowers here and there, but really the whole point is to celebrate us as a couple. So our monthly anniversary gifts range from a peck on the cheek and “Happy Anniversary” to an extravegant dinner and a night of partying.
So far we’ve had only one annual anniversary, and I think that’s a nice time to give gifts, at least until we have a wedding date to celebrate each year. That’s right, I’m expecting an over-the-top celebration with a band, groomsmaids, best men/women, a reception to be remembered for generations to come… all that.
I guess to answer your question about whether your gift was too practical or lacked romance, it seemed romantic to me. Romance is unique to each couple. I think an anniversary gift succeeds in the romance department when your partner can say, “You’ve surprised me with exactly what I wanted.” And who else but your partner would know how to do that?
I think you know that you really are married when drinking wine at home and organizing drawers leaves you feeling satisfied with the anniversary experience!
We celebrate our anniversary, marking it from the day we stood up in white dresses in front of family and friends. We usually do romantic dinner/experience more than gift. We also usually acknowledge other anniversaries, like first date and when we figured out that I was pregnant, but not with gifts.
In Nina’s wine-glass buying ecstasy, she forgot to mention that we also celebrated by having a romantic dinner out on Saturday night. I’d hate to be perceived as boring as her anniversary account* makes us out to be.
*Although I love the new stemware and appreciate our organized drawers.
Both stemware and organizers sound quite romantic to me! 🙂 I have a bit of both in me–the woman who dreams of sipping champagne by candlelight and the girl who loves to sort.
The rings sound like a nice thought at some point, esp with the potential baby. Maybe not zillion dollar ones, but some nice though less expensive ones?
John: I was surprised to hear that you want the over-the-top, expensive wedding… when this happens, I can’t wait to get the blow-by-blow in a Queercents series you should call: How We Spent Tens of Thousands of Dollars on Our Gay Wedding and We’re Still Not “Married”. That said, in the meantime, I like your “each month” anniversary idea and learned something new about you… you’re a romantic! Zac sounds lucky.
Liza: You did the wedding dress thing? Hmmm… okay, I thought I knew you too and spending money on a wedding seems very unlike you. I want to hear more about this… guest post please?
Jeanine: Yes, sweetie, I left out our lovely dinner at Basilic. So while the wine glasses weren’t the most romantic part of our weekend celebration, they still were a major highlight. The fact that you understand my practical side is just another reason why I love you.
Mrs. Micah: Nice to hear that you could appreciate our anniversary plans!
My mother and her partner follow in the same steps as you and Jeanine; after eleven years, there has been no wedding. Birthdays are definetly celebrated thoroughly.
My mother hasn’t brought up the idea of a wedding in at least five to six years. I wonder what her opinions are on it. I’ve never asked her specific reasons for not doing a commitment ceremony despite that they are domestic partners.
Great question! My partner and I just celebrated our 2-year, and we had a lot of trouble deciding what to do, since we’re both getting out of debt. We decided that since both of our birthdays are close to our anniversary which is two months before Christmas/Hanukkah (I do both), we would not give each other extravagant gifts. Instead, we will celebrate with an experience.
This year, it will be the Spice Girls reunion concert in December. In fact, I think any special trip or event during the year can be a great anniversary present, even if it is months before or after! The important thing isn’t the date, it’s that you celebrate the relationship.
We actually have 2 anniversaries. The one that marks how long we’ve been a couple (15 years) which happens to be our first kiss (long story on why that marks it, but suffice to say we weren’t out to ourselves at the time so it was a surprise). Then we had a ceremony 10 years ago..so we celebrate that too. Life is short — celebrate often.
As for gifts…early on we did, now we don’t. We usually do something special to mark the occasion – go out for a special dinner or be away on vacation over that time, or even just stay in, dance, and chill. Anything to consciously mark it….
Gary and I celebrate our anniversay every year by going to dinner and exchanging gifts. Our course mine is picked out in advance with several hints and Gary is less fussy. This year marked our 10 year anniversary in which we exchanged rings. We commited at the 5 year mark that we wanted to exchange rings at 10 years. As far as a wedding both of us agree that we do not want or need one. We would not mind having an anniversary/commitment party in the future. The year has not been determined yet. BTW the 40th Bday party at the Avalon was awesome! Congratulations on 5 years.
Isn’t that something that straight people get at their wedding? The wedding we’ll never be having. So we decided to spend money on nice wine glasses.
I find that is excellent rationale. The whole wedding registry thing pisses me off anyway. Folks get greedy. And how thoughtful is it of me to get you napkins for your wedding?
This has all been reinforced by the Cut the Fluff Challenge we did for October in which we were required to give or throw away something every day. Because a lot of the things my girl got rid of were things she had gotten for her wedding (way back in the day when she was married) that she had never even used.
So yes, spend the money on the things that will truly make your life enjoyable. For me, that’s travel.
I’m really ambivalent about the idea of a wedding. I loathe most weddings as they are tradtionally celebrated. I loathe the idea of planning one, even though it will surely not be traditional in any sense. But I have this overwhelming urge to formally declare to everyone I know that I love this woman to death and I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I totally want to show it off. So who knows. We haven’t even talked about it. Heh!
As far as anniversary dates, we’re still new enough to be celebrating monthly. Although “celebration” sometimes is limited to simply saying “Happy Anniversary!” So I can’t really answer that. We had known each other for a while before we started dating, and we never technically went out on a first date, so we’re counting by the day we went through that whole “I like you a lot” “I like you a lot, too” exercise.
Neither of us really likes giving or getting gifts, so we don’t do a lot of gift giving.
My partner got me a glass rainbow sundial that she found online, and in addition to a sweet poem she wrote just for me, she had them put a date line on it that the time shadow follows on the day of our anniversary every year. What a creative clock idea for our first anniversary…not to mention the fact that it makes a huge rainbow in our sunroom every morning…I loved it!