Tell me; is anyone fighting about money?
‘œLove is a feeling, marriage is a contract, and relationships are work.’ ‘“ Lori Gordon
Jeanine and I typically pick only one show per week to watch on television. A few months ago it was Big Love. This fall it’s been HBO’s Tell Me You Love Me. I guess you can peg us as the ‘œrelationship’ drama types. Why we pay 100 plus dollars a month to watch one show a week is another story.
Tell Me You Love Me, noted for its realistic depiction of sex, revolves around three couples with intimacy issues. Each has their own reasons for seeking the help of a therapist, played by the lovely Jane Alexander, who happens to have issues with her husband. Go figure. There’s no such thing as the perfect partnership.
What’s unusual about the show is that money is never mentioned. Once, the fortysomething character with young kids and a mortgage complained about their therapy expense but that’s my only recollection of money being part of the story line. Isn’t money still a primary cause of divorce and nasty breakups?
I know my partnership still includes plenty of talk about money. Occasionally, it includes a fight over big things. Sometimes it’s just a disagreement about minor things. But usually it’s more about just being open and honest about our feelings and fears with money.
Typically, it boils down to priorities and how money is spent. Money magazine concurs with its reader survey:
Couples argue more about money than about sex, but not as much as they fight about the kids or taking out the garbage. 84% of our respondents note that money causes tension in their marriages, and 13% say they fight about money several times a month. The leading cause of dissension is disagreement about financial priorities.
Writers at HBO take note. Money is just as big of a deal as all that sex. Plus, consider this’¦ if the writers strike drags on, I’m certain their relationships will have newfound tensions to work out in their personal plot lines. After all, the compatibility factor is about more than what happens in bed.
We love to talk about this at Queercents as you may have noticed with our Sleeping With Money series. A few of my favorite episodes are:
- What Happens to One Happens to Both
- Out Earning Your Partner
- Eating with ‘œClass’
- Lessons Not Learned from Sex and the City
So what about your relationships? Sex or money? Your comments are welcomed below.
Very few couples will admit to fighting about money. People love to tell me deep, personal stories in confidence, but strangely, hardly anyone mentions money being a factor in disputes. Not sure what’s going on there.
I really don’t have much to add here. The only fights Zac and I ever get into are “Great taste” vs. “Less Filling” debates when we’re drunk, which one friend pointed out to us.
We sometimes have the problem that I feel less comfortable about it than he does. So I’m more worried. But I don’t think that’s as much a fight as that sometimes I get on his nerves (maybe?) when I’m having a scared phase. But he pets me on the head and tells me it’ll be ok and that I’m doing a great job.
I expect it’s based in the depression more than anything, which means it’s mostly emotional. And we’re better at handling each others’ depression that at having good fights–though we’re improving there too.
The couples I know about seem to have found a compromise that makes them both happy:
1) Problem: Guy wants to be entrepreneur, gal is tired of electricity being cut off. Compromise: Gal works outside home and pays for everything but the mortgage and his stuff. They still had to move occasionally for a while.
2) Problem: Guy likes to spend beyond his means, gal extremely into savings. Solution: Gal makes way more money than guy and retains control of all of it; guy in charge of own credit card bills. If gal is willing to pay for half a TV, but guy wants a more expensive TV, he will pay the extra for it.
3) Problem: Guy is frugal but spends a lot on cutting-edge electronic stuff that irritates gal, gal rarely makes large purchases but makes many small purchases that irritate guy. Solution: They each get the same size of allowance for themselves to spend however they like, no questions asked. They still have discussions about which purchases count as household versus personal, though.
(My relationship does not have a long-term commitment component at this time; our money is still separate except for occasionally subsidizing one another.)
Yep, there are still fights over money. Fortunatly, my partner and I don’t seem to have fights over money. Thankfully!
This gives me an idea for a future blog post! hmmm….
John: Your comment reminds me of one of your posts.
Mrs. Micah: Most of my money issues revolve around fear too. I have a bit of the bag-lady syndrome and sometimes that paralyzes me with spending or I turn into a hoarder. That’s the beauty of partnership – when one is down or can’t move, the other is there to lift up or take the needed step. Sounds like you’re in a good place if you can both talk about it.
Debbie: Those are great examples and makes the point that constant negotiation typically is taking place in any relationship.
Phil: Loved your post! Thanks for sharing.
Speak of the devil. My significant other just got slapped with an unexpectedly high bill for next month. Pair that with travelling expenses to see his family and our cruise, and he’s freaking out. It doesn’t seem to help that I’m doing well with my money.
Tension is definetly brewing between us in the form of him being distant towards me and making little comments like, “Well it looks life your life is constantly heading up while mine is spiralling down.” I offered to help him out with money, although I seriously doubt he’ll take it. Ugh.