Sleeping with Money: Pony Up or Put Out
‘œThe decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.’ ‘“ Emil Ludwig
I refer to the Year of Nina as the time period between breaking up with Partner #2 and finally meeting Jeanine. I was in my early thirties, on a dating blitz and determined to find the right girl this time around. I needed to kiss a lot of frogs to find my Princess Charming. And kiss I did! But it never got to that point with Jessica despite ten dates’¦ yes, ten dates. And of course I was keeping track.
Jessica, not her real name, but I’ll call her this because her picture on PlanetOut personals looked like Jessica from Kissing Jessica Stein. However the photo she posted was a profile view not frontal and in person her face was much rounder when looking at her straight on. She didn’t look a thing like Jessica Stein. Disappointment number one.
But I liked her. She was an attorney (I have a thing for ladies of the law!) and by choice worked defending the rights of incarcerated offenders living with HIV. She hardly made any money but owned a home and was building another one on a ranch up by Ojai. She could do this because she received regular ‘œhappy payments’ from her family. Happy payments are the expression I use for trust fund checks and until I ‘œdated’ Jessica, I never knew anyone that got one of these on a monthly basis. She had a privileged upbringing and although she wasn’t quite as rich and obnoxious as Partner #1, she was upfront about her ‘œother means’ as she called it. She was quite thankful it afforded her the opportunity to do meaningful work and yet maintain a nice standard of living. Two homes in Southern California, you get the picture. Nice standard.
So where is this story going? Nowhere titillating. Jessica and I hung out for awhile. Ten times to be precise. I really liked her. She was smart, interesting and a great conversationalist. But I wasn’t getting the romantic vibe from her which was strange since she seemed eager to hang out with me. I figured if she wasn’t interested in being more than friends, then she would just tell me. Why string me along? We met on PlanetOut for God’s sake which means I wasn’t looking for another buddy. I was looking for love or at a minimum, some superficial sex.
Here’s the other thing. I paid for the restaurant dates and hosted her a few times at my place. She never paid for dinner or invited me over to her house. When we did get together for the last time, she picked up the tab. Perhaps out of guilt.
Some asked why I went on ten dates and never made a move’¦ well, it’s not like I’m timid. After all, I’m in sales and certainly know how to close a deal. I also know how to read people and while I thought she liked me, I thought maybe she had intimacy issues. One of those women that needed to take it slow.
So here’s the question with this week’s Sleeping with Money… at what point do you draw the line and essentially say: pay your way if we’re just going to be friends. I felt like she was stringing me along. Not all of us get a happy payment and I had to budget for dates. Let me know what you think or what you’ve done in the past. Comments encouraged below!
Interesting topic. I had two years of re-finding myself in between serious relationship #1 and my current partner. I guess I was more up front about money in the first place- meeting someone for a date was pay your own way unless one of the parties involved specified it was her treat. And believe me, I dated. A lot. In the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral, there was a bit about being with more people than Mother Theresa and less than Madonna. My two years of being out there brought me closer to the Madonna end of the scale than I’d care to quantify. If I’d paid for all the dates involved, I’d still be in debt 15 years later.
Wow, great question Nina! Gay men stereotypically have sex after saying, “Hello,” but I’d say we also get caught up in situations in which we feel we’re getting strung along. I don’t think I was ever bothered by the financial aspect because I remember splitting a lot of tabs. On a couple of occasions I remember picking up a tab for a date I’d never see again or have sex with, but I think that was my way saying thanks for the lecture on How to Be a Vapid Self-Involved Idiot, and may I never see you again.
Life is too short. If you’re on a date with someone who doesn’t know what they want, let them find someone else just as confused. But if you’re confused and want to find company along the way, definitely bring up the point of splitting tabs for the “I’ll be slow to open up” dates as early as possible. It’s a matter of courtesy, and I guess a lot people forget about courtesy when they’re on dates.
This post hit a nerve with me, Nina!! Before I met my (wonderful) (brilliant) (generous) current partner, I dated a woman who owned her own business AND had, as you put it “happy money” from a family trust fund. I was a struggling writer/adjunct professor at the time. She NEVER paid for ANYTHING, and always seemed to have forgotten her wallet/be fresh out of cash/etc. when the check came. If I’d been smarter, I would have politely asked her to split things after, say, the third time this happened, but I felt too self-conscious (and was too smitten). My rule of thumb now–with ANYONE, friend or lover–is that if by the third time we go out they haven’t ponied up, I’ll casually say, “Oh, I think I paid last time-could we split this one?”
Oddly, my problems have been in the other direction – people who insisted on splitting the check when I wanted to pay. Since I was making significantly more money than they, I picked lower priced venues than I otherwise would have since I didn’t want to stress them financially.
I did get one person to agree to alternate treating rather than splitting the check each time. This worked out much more nicely – I prefer both treating and being treated to check splitting.
DivaJean: I wondered why we referred to you as Diva… that explains it!
John: By the way, a lot of lesbians have sex too after saying hello. The key difference: afterwards… the guys go their merry, separate ways, while the girls all want to get married. Loved the part about “How to Be a Vapid Self-Involved Idiot” – I’ve dated a few of those too.
Jennifer: I learned after being with Partner #1 that a large earnings gap breeds hierarchy in a relationship. Who needs that? Fun story… the smitten part will get you every time. Been there too.
Larry: Where were you when I dated men? Instead I got stuck with Black Panel Van Man.
Nina- ya knew there had to be a good reason, didn’t you? It was either call myself DivaJean or SkankHoJean. I chose to be classy about it.
😉
A great way to save money while dating is to simply not go out to eat together. Eating out isn’t the only way to get to know someone. In fact, I think it’s one of the least meaningful ways to spend time together.
When my boyfriend and I met, I was on a very strict diet so we never ate out. Instead we went to the beach, on walks, to movies and shows, to parties, etc. It was great! Over two years later, we still have lots of fun together.
How weird– I don’t think the sex itself is even the issue, I just find it odd that it wasn’t more reciprocal in who paid for the dates. Why on earth would she just assume she never had to offer? (of course, if she offered to pay on the last date and then you never wanted to see her again, it was probably negative reinforcement and just spoiled her for all the rest of the ladies out there!)
She was weird.
I don’t like to pay for everything or have everything paid for in a relationship – I’ve got independence issues. Splitting the bill is definitely the way to go, especially at the beginning.