Sleeping With Money: Leaving the Workforce to be a Homo Homemaker
I recognize the potential of my partner Zac easily out-earning me several years from now. Some day I could have the option of dropping out of the workforce if I wanted. When I tell people that, I’m automatically assumed to be lazy or some sort of gold-digger. Or, they take one look at Zac and see he’s the butch one of the relationship, and somehow, me staying at home makes sense — as if it’s OK to think ‘œmasculine = more earning power’ when only applied to same-sex couples. If none of the above, then I’m accused of acquiescing to gender roles that parallel outdated heterosexual couple dynamics, thereby setting back homosexuals everywhere.
It’s a no win situation with people, except with Zac. He just wants me to be happy in whatever I do with my life.
If I ever do drop out of the workforce, I know what my motivations would be. I really hate office jobs, and I’d rather focus my time on writing. I rather like domestic life also, but so does Zac — except, he loves his field of work enough to make a lasting career out of it. It just so happens his skill set and education are highly valuable.
So what’s with all the judgment towards homo homemakers? And why am I so afraid of outing myself as someone willing to accept a role as a househusband? Why should anyone have this fear?
As I was telling a friend / informal expert on gender roles that I wasn’t looking forward to writing about this topic for this week’s Sleeping With Money edition, the first thing she said was, ‘œBut that sounds like the classic problem with capitalism, and high powered jobs like an attorney, etc. One person can only succeed in a job like that if either they’re single and have no one they need to take care of / spend time with, or if they have a ‘˜support person’ at home who will deal with the nitty gritty details of everyday life (groceries, daycare, maintaining the house, pets, organizing social calendar…) preferably for free.’
What she said pretty much echoed this ‘œWedded to Work, and in Dire Need of a Wife‘ article by the New York Times, except my friend’s comment was gender neutral.
According to the Times article, in many two-income families, heterosexual women are wishing for a wife at home that will take care of household responsibilities, or as one interviewee explains:
‘œMen lock the door and leave. Things could be a wreck or whatever and it doesn’t affect their other world,’ Ms. Santana said. ‘œI walk out and worry about the house looking nice, because the kids have play dates, etc. Someone has to worry about that, and it’s usually not the dad.’
I’m not buying it Ms. Santana. Domestic affairs are not just for women. Having immigrant parents from Ecuador meant that I would have to challenge many traditional and cultural values my parents wanted to bring over to the U.S. A woman’s role in a family was one of them.
My dad ran a business and my mom stayed at home to raise five kids. The problem here was that by the time all her kids were old enough to take care of themselves, my mom wanted to get a job so that she could spend money without having to get her husband’s approval first. My dad wouldn’t hear of it. The idea of a working wife was not tolerable to him. (I’m well aware my family has issues — you don’t need to remind me.)
I wanted my mom to have a job, because that’s what she wanted. If she didn’t want to work, I would have supported her in that too. The reality was that she could afford to be a stay at home mom, but the other reality is that it should have been her choice whether she works or not. I’m sure most people would agree with me.
Clearly looking at my mom’s ordeal, I’m not inspired to one day become a househusband to conform to gender roles / sexual positions / other BS. I’d only do it because I’d want to and because, as my informal expert friend helped to point out:
1. Zac wouldn’t make me financially dependent on him.
2. We’d likely negotiate how money is divided and spent.
3. Zac would never hold it against me that he’s the bread winner.
4. We’d likely negotiate expectations of household duties and emotional support.
5. I have a college education and marketable skills that would allow me to return to the workforce.
6. As a gay man, I have many years of experience living contrary to expectations, and thus can make decisions accordingly.
7. I have a choice in whether I want to be househusband.
How much of this was possible for the typical 50’s housewife? It certainly wasn’t for my own mom.
To me, the decision to become a househusband / housewife boils down to whether or not it’s a viable option. It doesn’t get more complicated than that any way you slice it.
But that’s just my perspective. What’s your take on leaving the workforce to become a homo homemaker? Do you think that similar forces are at play as in the heterosexual world, or is the story unique on a case by case basis? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
I’m a little bit in that situation right now, actually. I recently left a great-paying job as a software developer to shift careers. Now I’m doing the computer stuff freelance, and going to school to become a massage therapist. When I finish school, I don’t want to work full-time. I want to spend more time at home sewing and baking.
My choice, like yours, comes a lot easier because I’m in a same-sex relationship. It em a little different (politically speaking) because I’m a woman, but again, like you, it’s a choice I’m making. My mother didn’t have that choice — she was in exactly the opposite situation as yours, a single mom without much education and not much at all in the way of financial support. I have the luxury of a college education and a supportive partner.
Politics be damned. I want to bake cookies.
I think that actually Ms Santana is probably right – in a standard heterosexual relationship it usually is the woman that is more concerned with the domestic affairs.
In general, choosing to leave the workforce and be a kept person is probably a little limiting. But staying in a job is limiting in itself, you can’t have everything.
I’m confident in whether I choose to work or stay home (and probably do other kinds of work–but not conventional office stuff) because I have a choice. As you say, many women didn’t have that and I can’t imagine how frustrating that would be. I was raised by a professor who saw having kids as an exciting new chapter of her life and decided to stay home.
I appreciate her decision and I like that my dad didn’t make her feel less valuable because of it. Nor did he object to her doing various part-time jobs to get out, interact with people, and earn some money. She gave away most of that money, but she liked being able to earn it. 🙂
If you decide to be a househusband, I hope it’s a very rewarding experience for you! 🙂
John: This is a really thought-provoking post. I have a different view about finances and dependence… keep in mind that I’m riddled with money issues and often have bag-lady syndrome.
Allstate has been running ads that offer this statistic:
“The average woman spends 11 years out of the workforce taking care of family. Leaving her without enough money to take care of herself.”
When we relinquish financial control to someone else, there are no guarantees. Gender roles aside, I couldn’t stay home and not make my own money. Some, like you, have greater trust in love and the system. Unfortunately, I’m more jaded.
Great post though and I appreciate you shedding some light on topic typically reserved for the Bugaboo stroller set.
Interesting Post John…
While I don’t have a Significant Other }:~< I “may” have run into your problem on another level.
In most cultures males are raised to be the support and women the nurturers with the woman expected to depend on the male.
So you have been raised to feel you have to support (or contribute in a monetarily way) to the relationship.
Where I have run into my similar problem is I retired young (48) and sat home for 4 months before I went stir crazy. I then got a job that is nowhere up near what would be called my “skill level” and get funny (sometimes disapproving…out of college students no less) looks and questions when the subject comes up.
It seems funny that this thing happens on both ends…for you because you want to stay home and and for me because I decided that enough was enough.
Its wonderful that your Zac supports your desire to stay home but What I would suggest…but this is just my own opinion mind you… is that you get a part time job.
Three main reasons…(which are also why I went back to work as well)
1/ You get back into a wider Social Network..I went crazy at home.
2/ You must have “Earned Income” to continue contributing to Tax Free Retirement Funds…Roth IRA’s, 401(k)’s etc.
Interest, Dividends, and Capital Gains don’t count as earned income so if I wanted to continue putting money into the Roths I had to have a “JOB”.
In your case it wouldn’t hurt since GLBT people can’t get married and the inheritance..and most important Social Security Survivor laws are against us..you need to at least have some sort of savings in place in your own name.
Part time work would let you stay at home…have time to write…and you could stick all the money into retirements funds if you wanted.
3/ Health Insurance…The Company I work for has Health Insurance available for a reasonable amount of money…While I’m healthy I still have 16 years until I quality for Medicare so “insurance” is a must if I want to be able to leave something to my heirs.
So now Mr. Mom….Wheres my Glass of Milk and Fresh Baked Peanut Butter Cookie..??? }:~D }:~D }:~D
~ Roland
Thanks, John, for your post. And, while I’m a bit late arriving to read it… I am glad to have found it.
You see, I’ve been searching and searching the internet for stay-at-home-partner blogs and couldn’t find even ONE! And while I see your perspective, you must know that I’m heterosexual and have been with my partner (we’re unmarried) for over 14 years now.
Four years ago I left my job for the very reasons you described… hating office politics & the daily monotony, trying to build someone else’s dream business. So, I left my job and built an art studio, which was what made me happy. Then I had a death in my family & had to give up my art studio because of finances. Moral of the story… I’m a stay-at-home-partner. I cook, clean, decorate, make sure when my honey gets home he’s happy and has clean, folded clothes and a shower and sometimes a backrub.
I was the biggest feminist in college and now find myself loving taking care of someone. And it doesn’t decrease who I am. But the questions and stigma you point out absolutely swirl around me. I find myself explaining and dealing with awkwardness from other people. First, because we aren’t married. Then, second because I no long am in the workforce in any traditional way.
I guess the key for me is tuning it all out, and ideally somewhere along the way I will meet some people who share a similar story to me so we can relate. It does get lonely sometimes with other people’s expectations glaring at me. But I’m happy. And happier in my day-to-day than many other people are, if I do say so myself!
Dear John (oh, that’s too perfect–a “Dear John” posting):
I, too, only recently found your post. I was relaying a trip I just had to Paris for my birthday to a friend, and she was suggesting I start a blog. That got me thinking about how I’d describe myself. As self-disparaging as it seemed, I just Googled “homo homemaker,” and up popped your posting.
About five years ago, I left a Manhattan design firm, where I was the creative director and one of three partners (I was the one that worked), to segue towards my current life of homemaker and to pursue my own interests. Like you, I am fortunate to have a partner that only wants me to be happy. I’m so incredibly thankful to him for understanding my desire to leave behind business partners and clients and employees. I’m even more thankful that he understands how tightly wound and impatient I can be and how the corporate world was particularly difficult for me. Perhaps I’ll return to it someday, but maybe I’m just saying that to assuage my guilt.
In any case, I worked out a deal with my partners so that I could take one client and leave the firm with no strings attached. I worked for that client and a few small ones for almost five years. When the last project ended I started thinking about not working.
Now, my departure from the traditional 9 to 5 world some years before had coincided with a new apartment and the building of a second home. My subsequent years as an independent design consultant gave me the flexibility to give those things more attention–much needed attention. There were contractors and electricians and landscapers and sourcing furniture and fixtures. It was kind of an extension of the work I did as a designer, so I easily fell into the role and the home projects never seemed to end. There was always something to remodel or improve. So that had set the stage. Then there were the financial considerations.
After 13 years together we had discussed our finances on many levels. I think it’s always interesting with same sex couples in this regard, because our roles and responsibilities when it comes to these things are not as defined, societally. It was a difficult thing to talk about for me. I was very proud and independent. When we first started dating, the disparity between the design and finance industry was very apparent, but I always tried to split costs right down the middle. Unfortunately, that kind of dug me into a monthly financial hole. So we regrouped, and I paid a little less of our living costs. Still, a disproportionate amount of my income went towards “nesting.” That was always more important to me. Over time, a household joint checking account emerged. That was a big step. However, my desire to stay home was an even bigger one. Over the years, we had settled into being “comfortable.” There was no mortgage or car payment. There was enough in the coffers to retire well. There was nothing that required me to work, and my partner’s job had gotten increasingly larger and required more of him. So we we took the plunge. I would no longer work. I would focus on our home life.
At first there was the–what I assume to be normal–adjustment period. It was odd not having to wake up at a certain time or be someplace right away. But I viewed myself as part of a team, and since my partner worked so hard, I focused on making his life as pleasant and easy as possible. After all, wasn’t that what he was doing for me? In the morning, that meant a nice breakfast together before he left for work. At night, that meant he returned to spotless home with candles and gourmet dinners. So my life became about artisanal honeys, reduction sauces, and organic cleaning products. It sounds very “Stepford Wife,” but I loved it. Then it was time to focus on me and what I wanted. More time went into nesting and finishing up all those little projects I had always had on that internal list I kept in my head. Closets got organized, broken items repaired or replaced, gardens got planted and our home decor improved. I began designing furniture, took piano and french lessons, took care of my health and fitness.
Then I began to realize that I also had the time and talent to give back, so I began getting involved in charities. My design background allowed me to bring that to the table, and I ended up being on the board of one of the charities. So now there were lunches and benefits and just hanging out with “the girls.” (I found myself dressing for them, since they seem to notice and appreciate it.) It opened up a new world for me and gave me another sense of purpose besides my home life.
I would say that my interaction is comfortable most of the time and odd just some of the time. The women and I have a lot of shared experiences. We all travel to the same places, shop in the same places, live in a similar manner. But I don’t have children, so I’m not part of that conversation. And strangely, I often seem to have a better relationship with my spouse than many of them do. They’re always amazed that we have breakfast together every morning or that I seem to take pleasure in doing things for him and with him. I often find myself counseling them on how to enjoy and nuture being a wife and partner. Maybe it’s because I live in that middle ground between husband and wife and can understand both.
What I haven’t had, though, is any sense of a larger shared experience in terms of being a gay man in this situation. The whole issue of feeling a bit stigmatized is always beneath the surface for me. For a long time I’ve vassilated between telling people that I’m retired (which always got strange looks, since I’m a very young looking 46) or just telling them I’m a designer and then explaining that most of my work focuses on unpaid charity work. I agree with Ali, it’s often so incredibly awkward. Saying I’m a homemaker was never an option for me. So I appreciated hearing about yours and the others’ experiences. I have met other same sex couples, but the one in the role closest to mine usually continues to work in some capacity.
So I’m hoping that you and others in your situation continue to post your experiences and that I this can become a forum for others in similar circumstances.