That is an interesting question; I do think femmes tend to face less gender/appearance based discrimination. But on the other hand, most butches that I know are very self-sufficient! But on the *other* other hand (I now have three hands, I guess!), I think it’s a myth that butch women (and trans men) are any less interested in nurturing than anyone else. This also speaks to the issue that Dana raised: many queer moms don’t have the option of staying home, due to the discriminatory legal framework. So the work/family balance is shaded by so many factors for queers…

Okay, I’ll shut up now and let other folks jump in!

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One more thought: It can feel scary to underscore the ways queer families are different from hetero families in the current climate, when our very right to exist is being undermined. And of course we are, in so many mundane and profound ways, no different (love is love, and a poopy diaper is a poopy diaper!) But I think what makes reactionaries uncomfortable with queer families is that they are not predicated on static, predetermined gender roles. Even if we as queer individuals (or couples) choose to assume those gendered roles in a conventional, diadic fashion, those roles are assumed, not presumed. And for me at least, that makes a world of a difference. Does that make any sense? I’ve gone blind editing that last sentence a zillion and a half times to make it clearer…

Anyway, it’s wonderful that we can have such a generous, productive conversation about all this, without the ‘mommy war’ nonsense.

Off to finish my syllabi now, and dash home to meet my daughter’s first tooth, which of course came in on my second day at work!

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Here’s an interesting question- do you think femme moms are more likely to be the ones as wage earners? On some level, we interface with the world at a more stereotypically accepted way- and blend in.

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I always figured that the actual raising part was going to be equal. We both still need to work full-time. Well, “need” is a funny word. If we “want” to continue living in this particular house and in an expensive part of the country, well, then we both still need to work.

We’ve talked about alternatives that would allow Jeanine to take on part-time work and stay home. We even took a trip to Portland last year to check things out. That was a bust. Portland is a wonderful city and it was a fun weekend as weekend get-a-ways go, but we both really like our life in Southern California. This life comes with a price especially when children enter the equation.

I work from home, so while I’ll be in the house (except for those long business trips), we plan on having a child care provider here during the day. This will give me the luxury of tickling our baby’s tummy whenever I wish. I’m sure Jeanine will be grumpy at work… but unfortunately, that’s the reality of our life. Interesting though, because I’ve never attached gender to this discussion before. It’s always been about money and that we both still needed to work. If Jeanine was a guy, I believe we’d be having the same discussion… except maybe he wouldn’t have as big of a desire to stay home and nurture. Then again, I’m a bit of brute and if I had ended up with a man, I’m sure he would have been the sensitive kind.

Jeez, I’ll stop now before I completely hijack your excellent post!

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Do lesbians go into motherhood with a greater sense of the financial realities of the stay-at-home option? Does our shaky legal status as a family give us more incentive to make sure we each have backup plans? Or does this mean more of us don’t consider staying at home even possible? Depending upon whether both moms are legally recognized as parents, and whether their employers provide partner benefits, the child may not have health insurance unless the legal mom is employed. This still doesn’t mean both moms have to work, but it does constrain the options.

I also happen to know one same-sex couple that is probably more “gendered” in their parenting roles than many straight families I know. Not that they’re the norm for queer parents, but they do stand as a counterexample to the fluid roles my partner and I have.

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Also, if we’re still in DC area I’d like to keep a part-time job I have at a certain university’s hospital and just schedule my work around his teaching.

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