If you knew that the only way you could save your career was to deny and lie about who you are, would you? That is precisely the dilemma a soldier faces under the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. To a lesser extent that same challenge often presents itself to professionals who work for employers that are solidly anti-gay. If you were in that situation, what would you do?

I found myself exploring this dilemma in depth as part of my The L Word: A Coach’s Perspective series this week related to Episode 3. You see Tasha has been brought up on charges of homosexual conduct and she is knee deep in trying to figure out how to navigate this morass. How do you save a distinguished career to which you dedicated your life and remain true to your personal life? And, if you find yourself in love as Tasha does with Alice, how do you build a relationship on the foundation that it is nonexistent? In invite you to surf over and read the whole post and weigh in.

Of course this televised depiction of the military Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy is just one example of the honesty dilemma. Granted it is a blatant display of “gays and lesbians not welcome here” prejudice, but at least if you choose a military career you are aware of the rules. That doesn’t make it any easier or any more just but at least it is out in the open. Perhaps the worst part of the military dilemma is that it is one of the remaining institutions for which you can work that still reward time invested and years of service. It is a pure hierarchical structure with a clear path forward in your career. It is also one of the few places you could still work for a lifetime, retire after a set number of years of service, and be well provided for in retirement. Perhaps the only other display of this system anymore would be other, non military government jobs. That means your choice holds even more weight because it is not like you can just ditch this employer (the military) and go work for the competitor down the street who might have a better ant-discrimination policy. You’re square out of luck. I also know how you choose the military has a lot to do with how your service is perceived going forward. I’m not up on the lingo but suffice it to say there are “honorable” ways to end your career and other ways that basically blacklist you worse than a bad reference from a former employer.

Unfortunately, the reality is that in 31 states in the US it is still legal to fire someone just because he or she is gay. I would say we’ve made a lot of progress in this area and in many cases it simply doesn’t happen. The consistent increase in the number of corporations scoring 100 on the HRC Corporate Equality Index continues to rise. Yet depending on who and where you work it can still be a very real dilemma.

I strongly believe that each individual gets to choose to what degree they come out and it requires deep personal inquiry (check out this article if you need some assistance with that inquiry and decision). Yet sometimes push comes to shove because of others’ perception of you. As the Tasha storyline illustrates, all it takes is someone who doesn’t like you to stir things up and then you are guilty until proven innocent (just the opposite of how the justice system is SUPPOSED to work). So if you choose to stay in the closet, it is not as cut and dry as living two lives “at work” and “outside of work” (as if even that duality is cut and dry) but much more interrelated and a huge energy drain. Energy that could be used to a much greater good for all.

So, there you have this week’s ethical dilemma. Whether in military or traditional employment, would you deny and lie to save your career? What would you do?

——————

Paula Gregorowicz is the Comfortable in Your Own Skin(tm) Coach and you can learn more at her website www.thepaulagcompany.com and blog www.coaching4lesbians.com .

——————