Sleeping With Money: Which Partner Moves?
In traditional marriages, there is often a give and take between man and wife regarding whose 
career takes priority at any given time. More often than not, especially historically, it was often the man’s career that took precedence and the wife would often relocate and change/leave jobs for the good of the family unit and the betterment of the husband. While this is shifting even in heterosexual marriages, there are no real rules of the road for LGBT couples.
This weekend Kim and I celebrate our 16th anniversary of being together. Around 14 years ago we were faced with a relationship ending decision. You see, we were both young and just out of college and had juggled the emotions of coming out (to ourselves and others), our first full time jobs, and a long distance relationship. The whole travel I-78 thing every weekend and having to separate in the wee hours of Monday morning to make the return commute was growing old and dramatic. She wasn’t out to her parents at the time and we were attempting to build some sort of relationship foundation and future.
The question became – are you willing to give up your job to make the move? I had the better paying job and lived in the preferable location so it came down to her having to decide. We knew it was either move in together and stay together or give it up and go our separate ways. While I know there are plenty of folks who can and do make long distance relationships work, that is not something either of us desired.
With a deep breath and a flourish that left her parents befuddled and disappointed (after all, who leaves a good job to move 2 hours away to live with a “friend”??), she took the leap. It was a courageous act for both of us, but especially for her since she was the one leaving a job she enjoyed. At the time I was young, without obligations (other than rent), and working a well paying job (even though I hated it) so it wasn’t a big deal for me to handle the bulk of the financial obligations.
Looking back I wonder how we ever managed, at that stage of our lives and personal evolution, to take the risk and make it happen. Back then I was about as risk-averse and possessive of my apartment as they came. But, we did it and I can certainly say from where I stand now I am so thankful we did!
What have been your relationship experiences when it comes to deciding who moves or who delays/changes/gives up careers for the relationship bigger picture? Have you found it more difficult to make these decisions because of being in an LGBT relationship and all the related financial and legal inequities that go along with it? Would love to hear your experiences in the comments.
Ha. This is a topic I hate. I especially hate it right now.
In 2002 I made the decision to move myself and 2 of my 3 teenage kids to Florida to be with TW. The long distance thing was a KILLER and she didn’t have the option of moving to SC for me because of her much younger children and their relationship with their dad. (My children already lived hundreds of miles from their dad and didn’t have a good relationship with him anyway.)
It was the right move for us.
Now, we’re both facing a move to a place we don’t want to live and leaving my now adult kids behind. We have to make this move again because of the younger children and their relationship with their dad.
IT’s horrible and I’m hating it and will hate it (but make the best of it.)
Good topic, Paula.
It’s a fantastic topic, Paula! I’d definitely like to know how other couples handle the difficult decision.
Sometimes it’s more than just a job that decides, like when kids are involved as in Denise’s case.
It’s hard to separate two people who want to be together. I think the better question couples want to ask is, “How can we make this work together?” then go on from there until all possible options are exhausted. And even then, you’ll likely still look for more options if you want to be together. You might not be thrilled with the options, but at least you’ll be together.
Paula: Great post and topic!
So here’s my crazy-in-love lesbian story… I moved in with Partner #2 after knowing her for only a couple of months… what a surprise! It’s been known to happen.
A couple of weeks after settling in she comes home from work and announces that the company was transferring her back to California. We lived in Atlanta and I had just given up my inexpensive, darling carriage house to move into her condo… so I decided to take the plunge and move with her on whim. Hello… was this just nuts?
Of course, the relationship ended three years later, but life in California has been a success. And eventually, I found Jeanine which was the best outcome of the risk. Would I do it again? I’d move anywhere now to support Jeanine. Jeanine though has already said that we can’t ever move back to my home town in Ohio. Her words, “Don’t test my love!”
Oh yes, this question. I would say being lesbian certainly makes it that much more difficult to trust that it is “safe” enough to alter a career trajectory and take the risk. Personally, I am lucky that my girlfriend is willing to move for me, within reason. In our case, she will have the greater income, but I have the career track that requires very flexible geography. I just finished my PhD in history and am trying to get a tenure track job. So, because of my career, she will move despite the fact that her career is more lucrative. It is a huge leap of trust and faith. The whole thing makes me even angrier that some of these jobs don’t offer same-sex partner health insurance to cover her while she makes this sacrifice for me.
Nina, I know what you mean about Ohio – I am so glad to be out of there. Back to original topic – the short answer is I do not know how I would handle it. My interest is pretty narrow in what I wanna do so it does not leave me much choice and where to look for a job. My ex seemed very willing to relocate with me since his interests were somewhat broader and he would probably have easier time finding a job he wouldn’t hate then I would. We will never know for sure now how that would of played out – the whole long distance thing did not work out for us. I really don’t know what I would do if I would meet someone and would be faced with this decision again.
Great topic and interesting responses.
My story begins in Fayetteville, Arkansas…my much loved hometown. Heather moved to Arkansas for a job…we met a few months after her arrival and fell in love…after 2 years we married in Eureka Springs…a year later she tells me she cannot take the small town life any longer. Leaving my family, friends, job, and deep community ties was not something I ever wanted to do (especially at 36) but I decided to look at a move as an adventure and off we went to Dallas.
We had 2 years in Texas…2 horrible years of not being able to find a job in my field and driving 12 hours round trip every other month for home visits because I was lonely. Texas was a bust for me and I was so unhappy, despite Heather’s efforts. The bright side…family and friends from Arkansas visited often and it was fun to show them around and do the vacation thing.
Now we live in Tulsa. Our life here is wonderful. Instead of job hunting I started my own business. The glbt community here welcomed us and we have made lifelong friends and I have been able to revive my interest in community service. The bonus – I am only 2 hours from home.
Looking back on the past 4 years I know that I would do it all over again. Getting out of my comfort zone allowed me to face different challenges and develop new skills (driving in 6 lanes of big city traffic used to scare me to death and now it is routine). Something I didn’t expect…my relationships with friends and family from Arkansas have grown and deepened. We actually spend more quality time together because visits mean an overnight stay.
At this point I am ready to follow Heather just about anywhere and I know she would do the same (as long as the move took us to a city).