WWYD: How Well Do You Tip Your Worst Enemy?
I try to get along well with everyone. While I may disagree with another’s opinions or find their behaviors distasteful, I don’t think there’s any reason we can’t be civil. But there is one person for whom I have an unabashed dislike. And as fate would have it she was working at the takeout counter when I went to pick up an order at a local restaurant.
To call the situation awkward is an understatement. But we managed to play our respective roles of ‘œcustomer’ and ‘œserver’ and she rung up my order. Of course I later checked my Amex to ensure no additional charges had been pushed through, and fortunately my food was not poisoned. But I digress. She presented me with the bill and above the signature line was the tip.
My total was $11.34. But first’¦ a little background is in order.
This woman was my roommate and we had a very dramatic falling out. Prior to that, I supported her financially for the better part of a year while she got fired from various waitressing jobs. It was always my hope that she would get on her feet, but what tips she made were never quite enough to cover the bills which added up to a $1,500 debt (At the time, that was significant money).
Things got worse over time. Her car broke and she never got around to fixing it. Of course she had mine to borrow. The jobs kept getting worse in terms of pay and she’d quit or get fired from each one after a month. Her cats got sick and she couldn’t afford veterinary care.
She never stepped up and took care of her own problems. When I didn’t help her, things fell apart even more. When I came back from vacation, I found a dirty sock and maggots living in the piled up dishes that had been left there since before I left.
Eventually the real problem surfaced: it was drug addiction and she was spending money she could have used to pay me, or for that matter treat her three cats, on meth. I found this out after she had a psychotic meltdown due to lack of sleep. That was it. I’d been charitable but I was being taken advantage of; not to mention that there are certain things one should never allow into ones home. So it ended there.
Quite badly I might add.
There are some situations where you look back and laugh at how silly they were. This is not one of them and after almost five years I still felt the same way. But my intention is not to simply share my roommate horror story’”I had a real dilemma. How much should I tip someone who took advantage of my generosity?
It would have been an easy swipe to stiff her, and I doubt anyone who knew the situation would really fault me. It might have also been equally satisfying to leave a ten dollar tip. After all, I’m doing much better now and she’s stayed relatively static. But both ideas never really entered my mind completely.
Not knowing really what to do, I put an extra dollar on the bill.
In the end I don’t think my tip mattered either way. We write a lot about money on this blog and in the end this story boiled down to a measly buck. However it was probably one of the most memorable single dollars I’ve ever spent. Sometimes it’s not how much you spend but rather the intention behind doing it.
Given that it inspired this entire series on tipping etiquette, perhaps I should have given more.
If it were you and your worst enemy in that situation, what would you have done?
When not avoiding awkward situations at local takeouts, Mike writes Broken Cupid, a dating blog for gay men.
If she still owed me $1500, I’d have been seriously tempted to reduce her debt by the amount of the tip. I’d also try my best to figure out if her money was still going to drugs – I’d rather not support that habit. Admittedly, the latter is hard to do in the circumstances you describe.
I’d probably tip her rather precisely based on her service at the counter. I’d be worried about undertipping her but I’d probably also not want to overtip her since I’d still be annoyed (if I was still annoyed). So if I tipped $1 normally, I’d do that. Or 20% or whatever it was that I normally tipped the takeout counter person. Exactly.
That said, I actually did a favor for someone who cut me off in the parking lot at the library where I work (reason it pissed me off so much was that I’d been circling for 15 minutes, was about to pull into the spot and she…who hadn’t been there for 15 minutes…zoomed around me). I added an electronic note to her account saying that she checked out X book on X date and that it was already water-damaged. That way she wouldn’t get charged for it. I mostly did it to make me feel better.
Wow, I’d probably be so surprised that I’d just leave my normal tip.
After thinking on it some, I can’t think of a better solution. She’s working and should be rewarded for that. She should get the same tip as any other person doing that job. You’ve probably tipped plenty of other drug-addicted freeloaders; you just didn’t know.
The more fair thing would be to leave no tip at all. But on the other hand, I like to think of myself as someone who tips for service. So I wouldn’t want to let someone turn me into a different kind of person. Just because someone is a freeloader doesn’t mean it’s okay for me to be one. Of course, leaving a tip might just make it look like I’m still a sucker. But this time, you did get what you were paying for (not that you could know for sure at the time that it wasn’t poisoned).
I don’t know, it’s hard.
I’m glad you gave her a tip.
@ Larry- It was only $300 at the time she left after she traded in some appliances. I wrote that debt off in exchange for never having to deal with her.
@ Mrs Micah -I usually tip a buck for takeout, so I stuck with your strategy. It also works out to be about 10%, which is fair in most people’s opinion.
@ Debbie- lol. I probably have tipped more than a few drug addicted freeloaders in this city. And I m ay not have even given it to her necessarily– there were other people working up front and some restaurants pool the tips.
You answered your own question: “After all, I’m doing much better now and she’s stayed relatively static.” The best revenge is showing a supposed enemy she is no longer a blip on your radar – she’s not worth agonizing over $1. You did the right thing. No more, no less than you would give any stranger on the street.
I have to admit I honestly would never tip someone who worked behind a counter to begin with (outside of bars).
Seriously, if I sit down and someone is being a waiter/waitress that’s one thing, but if all they really do is ring me up? No. So I wouldn’t feel bad.
Mike: I’m in the “no tipping if they work behind a counter” camp like Jeffimix. On occasion, I’ll leave behind the change at the Starbucks (although typically I’m not using cash) and it has less to do with gratuity and more to do with unloading a few loose coins. Based on the other comments, I guess I’m cheap. I didn’t realize everyone was leaving behind a buck!
@ Nina & Jeffimix — I’m tackling the counter dilemma in a later post. Stay tuned.
Yeah, you ordered the food, and it was already made, but I don’t know… I think I would have looked her right in the eye, then start screaming as I ran out the door. I think this is one of the only situations where that kind of behavior is justified.
Hmmm. Good question. I’d like to think I would tip as usual, but in the face of conflict, I might lean more toward Larry’s comment above and mention to her that she could deduct her tip from her debt owed. In fact, I might even start going to her place of employment regularly just to make back some of that $1500. On the other hand, a friend once told me that she never “loaned” friends small amounts of money with the expectation that she would ever get it back. By considering such acts as “gifts” that the universe would someday return, she claimed that she avoided any future resentment. I’m not sure how well that’s working out for her these days, but it’s an interesting philosophy.
just saying I know jeffimix he makes a decent wage he’s a real cold-hearted bastard to not tip.