Only Children: Stealth Costs and How to Prepare for Them
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that two children cost more than one to raise. And it doesn’t take a genius to understand that for queer parents, like straight parents, cost is only one factor in deciding on family size.
However, I’ve recently discovered some hidden costs of having an only child. Of course, in the wash, it’s still cheaper to have only one—and cost is still not the main factor for anyone I’ve ever met in determining family size. But here are some costs to think about, prepare for, and maybe even save for if you’re going to have a single-child family.
1) Lessons, Play Groups, and Underwater French
I always planned to enroll my child in a few fun, enriching activities. I didn’t want to be one of those pushy type-A parents forcing my infant into underwater French lessons at six months to ensure she got into Harvard down the road. But I did plan to put her in a few classes in various art forms, sports, etc. when the time came. Well, with a single child, the time comes sooner rather than later, and with greater frequency, for a couple of reasons.
First, your single child needs and wants to be around other kids. Play groups are fine, but when they’re really little, kids don’t really play together, and do better with some structured activity like music or dance where they can do what’s known as ‘˜parallel play””doing the activity beside other kids. These kinds of classes also help only children get over the stranger anxiety’”fear of other kids and grownups’”that is common in babies and toddlers. So at about one year, when it became clear (and was recommended by our pediatrician) that my daughter really wanted to be around other kids more, we signed her up for some play-based, age-appropriate music and dance classes. The parents join the kids, so it’s a bit of a coffee klatch.
I was a bit skeptical about such things at first, but my daughter loved it. Her motor, language, and social skills all zoomed forward. The total cost of these classes, which run for 6-10 weeks at a time, will be about $600 for a year. Not a huge expense, but while I’d probably sign any kid up, as I now see how beneficial these kinds of low-pressure, play-based classes can be, I wouldn’t probably do quite as many of these kiddie classes at this early an age if my daughter could get some of that playing/socializing/learning from interaction with a sibling. But since she can’t, we’ll be underwater basket weaving in French for many years to come.
2) Frequent Family Flying
Another expense: frequent flying to visit extended family. This is both costly, and exhausting. (I am in fact contemplating with terror a trip this very weekend to a Bat Mitzvah in Boston.) Again, we would have done some of this regardless of the size of our family, but because our daughter has no sibs, we really hope she’ll connect with her cousins and other extended family members. For ‘œqueerspawn‘ (the kids of lgbtq parents), this can be particularly important, I think.
We want our daughter to have a sense of being part of not only our little nuclear three-person unit, but also of both our extended families. In our case, our families represent two different races, ethnicities, religions, and cultures, and we hope she’ll connect to both. So we’re spending the time’”and money’”to facilitate this. We particularly hope to foster deep relationships between our daughter and some of the wonderful men in our family’”none of whom live nearby!
3) Sickness Unto Death
Finally, there’s the unpleasant subject of illness and death’”mine, and its economic and emotional impact on my daughter. I’ve been watching my parents deal with my grandparents’ illness, care, death, and associated costs over the last several years, and I’ve seen how much they rely on their siblings for emotional and financial support. Coping with a sick parent can be extraordinarily draining, emotionally and financially.
However, while no amount of money can duplicate the emotional support of a sibling, I can actively and responsibly plan for my retirement, as well as possible long-term medical costs, and make sure I’m well-insured in the event of my death. This is far easier for middle-to-upper-middle-class folks like me, since my job offers good benefits. I would probably do this sort of morbid planning anyway, but I especially hate the idea of leaving my only child without the proper resources to deal with my passing, be it tomorrow or in forty years.
Moreover, I’ve seen firsthand how an extended illness can eat at a family’s resources, so I’m doing everything in my power to keep that from happening to ours. Again, I’d do this planning regardless, but knowing that my daughter won’t have a sib to share the burden with makes me want to lighten that burden any way I can.
Can you folks think of any other stealth costs of raising a single child? How did you cope with them (the costs, not the kid!)?
Photo credit: stock.xchng.
Jennifer: We have often thought about your point #3 if we decide to stop at just having one. I have a close friend who is an only child and have watched how hard it is for her to care for her ailing mother without the support of siblings… the burden has fallen solely on her. Like you said, it’s not just about the money, but adequate financial planning can help ease the burden for your only child.
Loved the part about the underwater French classes! Crazy type-A parents. Of course, I’ll never be like that!!
Very interesting post, and definitely food for thought, though I think all 3 of your examples are more dependent on an individual family’s circumstances than on whether the family has 1 child or more. For example, I have an only child, but because he went to daycare, I never felt a need to sign him up for outside classes. Meanwhile my neighbor, a stay-at-home mom of 3, started her youngest child in activities earlier than the other two, because the girl wanted to do everything her older brothers did.
I have almost no extended family, and my son has neither cousins nor even second cousins. We are close, both geographically and emotionally, to my parents. We visit my only sibling very infrequently. Whether I had another child wouldn’t change any of these relationships or how often we need to plan for travel.
As for dealing with elderly or dying parents, I suspect my only child will find things easier to manage than my partner and I will/are with our own parents and brothers. At least my son won’t have a sibling living overseas who lobs emotional grenades into the situation, without contributing any practical help!
There are certainly economies of scale that can happen, so that 2 children aren’t double the cost of 1 — hand-me-down clothes, sibling discounts at daycare and camp programs, etc. But that second child can also be the tipping point into a larger house or car or one parent staying home rather than using daycare. So once again, it’s more a matter of individual family circumstances than family size in how costs really shake out as you add children.
Nina, Type A indeedy! I’ve become the kind of parent I used to make fun of…
S, that’s a good point that individual family circumstances vary widely. Your actual mileage may indeed vary. I just wanted to point out a few hidden costs that *may* accompany an only child. Forewarned is forearmed! Thanks for your feedback.
I think the hidden cost of only having one kid is that you spend more money on them simply because you can. Whatever you income may be – you divide that between your household costs and move ahead. It doesn’t matter if you’re going to divide it between 3 people or 6, you’re probably still going to spend most of it. People who’ve got one kid fly them to Paris while people with 2 or more take them camping. If you’ve got 2 kids, you double the estimated cost of anything and think harder about whether you really need it or not. Beyond the breaking point, of course, this simply means poverty for everyone involved. But within a middle-class range, you’re simply going to consider more expensive choices on an ongoing basis if you have an only child.