ShoppingWe’ve all had it happen to us. You’re in a store or restaurant and you see the bemused stare, the two clerks across the room looking at you, whispering and giggling or, worst of all, the dreaded, sneering ‘œhave a nice day sir.’

There’s a certain type of person and a certain segment of society which doesn’t understand or very much like transgendered people. There is a certain subset of this group that actively dislikes, even hates us. They’re usually, but not always, male. They’re usually, but not always, poorly educated. They are usually, but not always, employed in low-paying dead-end jobs.

Why do these people treat us this way? I can’t say for certain. I’m a fund raising consultant, not a psychologist. But it seems that they somehow see in us the embodiment of all that is wrong in their lives: all of their failures, all of their broken dreams, all that they wished they had had the courage to do and did not. They look at us and see people who have somehow found the courage to be ourselves regardless of what those around us think or say. In discriminating against us, in trying to embarrass and humiliate us they vainly attempt to find relief from the pain of their existence.

For this I pity them, but it does not justify their behavior.

Regardless of how they feel about their lives or their jobs, they are paid by their employers to conduct the business of the firm, which is to sell a commodity or service to paying customers. If you have entered the establishment you have communicated to the staff that you are a potential customer. If the staff does not do its level best to sell you that commodity or service then the staff is not doing its job and the employer is losing a sale.

You have the right to complain. We use the same money everybody else does and that gives us power.

I understand as well as any other transsexual how vitally important it is for us to be accepted and validated by society as our ‘œtrue’ selves and how very difficult, emotional and painful that can sometimes be. But if you accept that behavior in silence they win. You have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. The person treating you badly, on the other hand does have something to be ashamed of.

Ask to speak to the manager. Do it politely, but firmly. Explain the situation and impress upon him or her that the behavior of the employee has cost the business at least one sale and possibly all your future business. And don’t forget to mention that you’re going to tell all your friends about this incident, thus potentially costing them even more business.

If the manager does not treat you with respect and rectify the situation, make good on your threat. To continue to patronize the business is to put money into the pockets of those who are our enemies and the enemies of all who value respect, tolerance and fairness.

Early in my transition an assistant manager at my local Giant supermarket treated me very badly. Every time she saw me she would put her hand up to her mouth and start whispering to a nearby employee. I could see that the two of them were looking at me and giggling quietly. At one point, during one visit, I was walking by her and actually heard a bit of what she was saying: ‘œwhatever it is.’ (It must have been the punch line of a joke.)

Now that, as I said, was early in my transition. I didn’t have anywhere near the self-confidence I have now. I didn’t complain to the manager. I just didn’t have the courage. So I did the next best thing. I stopped patronizing Giant. Pathmark and Acme get my grocery money now. (I’ve never had a problem with either and if they have a problem with me their staff are well-trained enough not to show it.)

My point is: even if you can’t bring yourself to complain (and I understand how difficult that can be for some of us) you are a consumer and your money gives you power over businesses.

The transgendered may represent one of the smallest special interest groups in the nation. But if we all stick together as the GLBTQ community then we do have power. And more and more, marketing executives are realizing this. We are on their radar screens and because of this we are increasingly on the minds of more and more businesses.

Never forget: in this culture money is power. Use that for your own personal empowerment. If you accept this of kind treatment from a business then you are helping those who mean us great harm.

This isn’t about pain, embarrassment and humiliation. It’s about the exact opposite. This is your moment of triumph. This is the time when you are finally you. And you earned it with courage and determination. You earned it with years of painful isolation and emotional suffering.

Never go along. Never keep quiet. Never give in. Never give up. Never stop. You have the right to be you. You have the right to be treated with the simple respect one human being deserves of another.

You have nothing to apologize for.

Photo credit: stock.xchng.