The Rapture is coming, the Rapture is coming! Oy!

This Christmas, I’ve found the perfect book for my family’s white elephant gift exchange. It’s called: How to Profit from the Coming Rapture… a snarky, how-to manual about where and when to invest when the world comes to an end. Of course, I’m the only one in my Christ-like clan that will need this advice since the gays are guaranteed (along with the Jews!) to be left behind.

Speaking of Jews, Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman, authors of the bestselling Yiddish with Dick and Jane, put this little investment gem together (may I call it a bible?). If you grew up in a church that thrived on “end times” storytelling, now is the time to finally profit from all those Sunday night altar calls. If you need me to explain what an “altar call” is, then you might not fully appreciate this book’s humor. And it is classified as humor… at least according to the Library of Congress Cataloging system. My family is not laughing, but they are praying for me. Why?

Because the Rapture is indeed coming! And this means only one thing to me: investment opportunities! Weiner and Davilman are here to teach us:

… how to exploit the inevitable demise of the world in order to make a tidy profit. Sure, the rivers and seas will run with blood, locusts will swarm, mountains will move all over the place, and famine will strike. But for the five billion of us left behind, the post-Rapture world will be a time of even more unique investment opportunities.

And teach they do. But first, take the test to find out if you’re ready for the Rapture? It’s a short questionnaire that quickly weeds out the Armageddon lightweights: “I’m thinking of a number between 665 and 667. What is it?”

But don’t take my word for it. I leave you with a better review of the book than I could possibly write:

A hilarious, light read marked with a snarky matter-of-fact attitude, “How to Profit from the Coming Rapture” dances carefree on the line of offensive. Throughout, our doomsday experts are either feigning seriousness and dread over what the book of Revelations foretells by remarking unabashedly how distressing, terrible, etc. it will be, or reminding us that, regardless of how ridiculous the prophecies (horses with lions’ heads and snakes’ tales, stars made of wormwood falling to the planet and one third of vaguely everything being destroyed) may sound, they must be true because they’re all actually in the Bible — and cited. So it’s not really blasphemous, just caustically mocking.

Feel free to laugh all the way to the bank. Of course, you’ll need the Mark of the Beast to open an account. But don’t fret; the book has all these important steps covered. Go forth and profit!

Giveaway Alert: I have two copies to giveaway. Tell me why you’re going to be Left Behind and I’ll select the best two comments and mail out the book. By the way, you get bonus points for naming the Anti-Christ. Hint: Madonna is not the Anti-Christ, at least not here at this fine blog!

Image credit: How to Profit from the Coming Rapture.