‘œLove does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.’ ‘“ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Roughly a month after my trailer had been destroyed by a tree, my father loaned me an old, unused laptop.   I found myself surfing the Web in the evenings after work.   Although the laptop was too puny to do any real work, it was fine for looking at Web pages and chatting on Internet Relay Chat.   Without knowing it at the time, the laptop would soon bring on another life-changing event.

It had been a rough summer.   Although I’d managed to pay off my truck and purchase a new trailer by way of a 401(k) loan, things weren’t stellar at work.   Despite completing a project that saved the company roughly $700,000, there were many problems in my department.   A number of our team members didn’t get along, so management responded by sending us on several team-building exercises.   When that failed, everyone was sent to a corporate psychologist.

Although the team building events and meetings with the corporate psychologist didn’t really improve how people were getting along, I learned an important lesson.   During one meeting with the psychologist, I was told, ‘œbe the person you want to be, regardless of what everyone else is doing.’

That conversation felt much like being hit by lightning.   Although it did nothing to help me at work, it made me realize something about my personal life.   I realized that I was queer, and that a contributing factor to all my previous bad relationships was that I was trying to live up to a standard that was never going to make me happy.

I realized I was never going to be happy trying to live a life as a straight woman in a heterosexual relationship.   I realized that I wasn’t quite the same thing as your average, every day woman, because I’d always felt that deep inside I was more male than female.

I said nothing to anyone, but started to frequent GLBT chat areas and Web sites.   In a short amount of time, I met the woman who would 10 years later become my wife.

As much as I’d like to say our relationship was a fairy tale, I’d be lying if I tried to claim it was so.   My family was extremely upset when they learned I was dating a transwoman, and dating was very difficult because of the distance.   I would drive 265 miles each way to visit every weekend;   It was exhausting and expensive.

After five months of commuting on the weekends, we decided we wanted to be together, but there were more obstacles.   I didn’t want to move, since I had a steady job and I liked the community in which I lived.   Unfortunately, I lived in a 22-foot travel trailer, and my credit was still hampered by my recent bankruptcy.   My intended spouse had lousy credit due her own past mistakes, so it would be difficult to find an apartment.   After spending a week visiting during December, she decided we could tough it out in the trailer. She started looking for work, and I started cleaning out cabinets.

By March of the following year, she still hadn’t found a local job.   She was finding that most employers weren’t all that interested in interviewing someone from out of the area.   She’d had a nibble with one employer, but it wasn’t clear that she’d be hired.   We were both tired and frustrated with the expense of the long-distance relationship, so she gave notice at her job. I made the 265-mile trip one last time with my truck, and she moved in.

Although the move certainly made our relationship easier in some respects, we still had a great deal of work to do. She needed to find a job, we had to iron out the details of our personal finances, and we had to work out a plan to improve our credit. We did all of this in our tiny trailer, sometimes talking until late in the night as we worked out a plan.

Lessons learned:

1.       Long distance relationships are expensive. Not only are they costly in terms of telephone bills and commuting costs, they tend to become emotionally and physically exhausting.

2.       Moving to a new community without a job is not always bad, especially if you have a backup plan. Before my partner moved in, we spent a great deal of time figuring out if I could afford to support us both until she found work.   When we realized the math worked, she moved in, and promptly made it her full-time responsibility to find work.   Within a few weeks her persistence paid off.   The previous job nibble turned into an offer, thus securing her a full time position.

3.       Talking with your partner about finances is extremely important, before and after you move in together. We both knew and understood the extent of our previous financial troubles, and our commitment to make things better.

4.       Love is good, but ground work is better. Although my partner and I were extremely infatuated with one another, we took the time to hash out a lot of important details before she moved.   We talked at length about what life was like in the trailer, our finances, and our individual and joint responsibilities.   Although it didn’t guarantee that our lives were completely conflict-free, we established a good base of communication before we combined our households.

5.       Coming out is not easy. Although I imagine the process would have been easier with the support of my family, the truth is that it required a great deal of careful thought and introspection.   There were also a number of awkward moments at work after my boss cornered me and asked for the name of my new love.   I wasn’t about to lie, and he did quite a bit of spluttering when he realized I wasn’t dating a guy.

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