I have been reading an excellent book called “Curious?: Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life” by Todd Kashdan, PhD. Today one chapter of my morning read really struck me. It was about how our reactions to anxiety can drain us and leave us ineffective both on the job and off. It got me to wondering about the challenges associated with being queer (both in and out of the closet) in the workplace.

If anxiety can have such a destructive effect and overtax someone’s resources to the point of making them demonstratively less effective, what about the levels of anxiety felt by thousands of queers in the workplace? Kashdan states (p.183):

Dozens of experimental studies show that if you ask people to engage in intense acts of self-control, such as trying not to appear anxious when giving a speech in front of an audience, they are less effective at responsibilities immediately after- even if the follow-up activity has nothing to do with the first task. In studies, they score lower on intelligence tests, show a weaker hand grip, hold their hands in cold water for less time before giving up.

I would put trying to stay in the closet as an intense act of self-control. I know when I initially was coming out to myself it drove me insane to go into work after a cool weekend with my girlfriend only to have to lie about it all (of course that quickly went by the wayside once I felt confident and came out). It definitely taxed me on all levels.

Here’s a good description from “Working ‘OUT’: Promoting a Positive Professional Environment for LGBT Workers”:

By the very nature of our own professional lives, we wear a ‘œdifferent hat’ with our colleagues than we do with our friends. How much we share about our personal lives is both a matter of choice as well as professional ethics. But workplaces can also create environments that do not allow gay, lesbian or gender-nonconforming colleagues to have the same, appropriate degree of comfort that heterosexual coworkers enjoy.

Of course there are others who think that closeted gays are just kidding themselves. To some degree I agree with the statement that often people already “know”. Yet for many people the fear of coming out is very real and the stress of living two lives is immense. Whether the threat is real or perceived the effect on the individual physically and psychologically is the same and it isn’t good.

Even if you are out of the closet, let’s face it, your experience in the workplace is often different from that of your colleagues. From the big inequities like equal benefits to the little ones (like how many have seen their department throw them a commitment ceremony celebration among the myriad of wedding shower gatherings?) the possibilities for anxiety about being queer are there. I’ve been grateful to work in companies that have had baby showers for same-sex couples (and bring the person’s partner in for the midday celebration). Even then, however there is a discernable more anxious energy about the room as people don’t know if or how to act differently.   The moments for feeling like “other” are definitely more prevalent for queers in the workplace.

What is your experience? How does this kind of anxiety keep you from being your best?

Paula Gregorowicz, owner of The Paula G. Company, offers life and business coaching for lesbians to help you gain the clarity, confidence, and courage you need to have success on your own terms. Get the free eCourse “5 Steps to Turn Fear Into Freedom” at her website