Queercents

My partner and I are about ten months away from getting married, so the hardcore budgeting process is underway. I tend to be the hater of spreadsheets and anything formal in our relationship, so this whole process is new to me; I’ve never planned such a big event before. Complicating things, is that I’ve never been to a gay wedding, and thus have no friends to ask questions to about expenses. Still, my partner and I have no choice but to move forward with the process, which has revealed somepro’s and con’s to me about being a same-sex couple planning our special day.

We’ll start with the con’s since I’m sure readers will want a happy ending: this is about a wedding, after all. The first big bummer for me was to find out from my parents that they weren’t necessarily going to help out, since this isn’t a “traditional” wedding. After a couple of conversations and just giving it some time, they came around. But still, there was no assumption on their part that their gay son taking another man’s hand in marriage requires their financial support. This wasn’t a question when my oldest sister got married. When that happened, my mother went into high gear, basically becoming thebridezilla that my sister didn’t have in her. So it has been a bit harder to get the parents involved in my celebration, even if it’s just to ask them suggestions on venues or guests to invite. Some people would consider this a blessing, and I’m not saying I want my parents planning my wedding, but there is definitely a more hand’s off approach when it comes to same-sex ceremonies. Read the rest of this entry »

My partner and I recently tied the knot. We had a lovely commitment ceremony on the beach that lasted all of 20 minutes, then we celebrated with a bonfire while we watched the sun go down. It was a decidedly Pagan affair, and the universe couldn’t have provided a more beautiful day.

Most couples – gay or straight – spend an average of $17,000 on their weddings, and most of them go into debt to do it. We planned our commitment ceremony and reception for under $2000. Doing our wedding on such a tight budget was a challenge, but we both agreed that going into debt for a party was not in line with our core values. However, stepping outside the box of conspicuous consumption and all the trappings of a “white wedding” was met with mixed reviews by our family and friends. Here’s what I learned from the experience.

First of all, we consciously did not call our commitment ceremony a wedding. The term comes with a lot of cultural baggage. I’m all for people getting married if they want to, but I don’t believe in the idea of marriage. It has historically been an arrangement that hasn’t benefited women – for centuries we were viewed as chattel and the wedding itself was just a transfer of property from one man to another. I am not a piece of property. I am all for commitments, however. My partner and I made a commitment to one another in April, and we made some pretty serious promises to one another in front of 4 witnesses. To me, this is what it is all about – the words you say are more important than where you say it or what you wear. We have no piece of paper that documents our relationship or grants us any sort of recognition from the state. I’m a Wiccan and my partner is an atheist, so we also don’t have the sanction of any sort of church. But I don’t think that makes our commitment to each other any less valid. Read the rest of this entry »

Well, the big day is finally here. As you read this post, my partner and I are tying the knot. After months of budgeting and planning, we’re actually exchanging our vows.

Planning our wedding on a budget of $2000 has been an exciting challenge. We hit a few snags along the way, but we still managed to come in under budget. Here’s how we did it.

1. Skip the alcohol. Shannon and I made a conscious decision to have an alcohol-free wedding. My family is Mormon, so they don’t drink. And our reception is at 3:00 in the afternoon. Most people we know really don’t drink that much in the middle of the day, so opting out of champagne toasts has helped us save a bundle on our reception.

2. Go potluck. In lieu of gifts, we asked our family and friends to chip in on the food by bringing a side dish or a dessert to the reception. We ordered vegan BBQ beef from our favorite restaurant, along with vegan banana cream and coconut cream pies. Total cost of catering: $160 for 60 people. We still have money to spend on sodas and sides from the Costco. So I guess you could say that the total cost of food is $400. Read the rest of this entry »

This is week 9 of our Wedding on a Budget series. We’ve talked about all the fun and romantic parts of getting married. But the one topic we haven’t discussed is probably the least romantic aspect of planning your marriage – filing the documents you need to protect yourself in the absence of legal recognition of your marriage. Heterosexual couples have the benefit of filing for a marriage license and calling it a day. Same sex couples, on the other hand, need to file a variety of legal documents and the cost of filing them is a huge burden for our community.

Melanie Rowen, an attorney for the National Center for Lesbian Rights, advises same sex couples to divide their legal planning into two different contexts: health care and property rights.

Health Care:
If you or your partner gets sick, you want to make sure that you can visit one another in the hospital. A Hospital Visitation Authorization will ensure that you are admitted to the hospital. There is a general form that you can file, but if you know you will be admitted to the hospital (for a routine surgery, etc.), be sure to ask the hospital for their form as well.

The next document you will need is called a Health Care Proxy or Medical Power of Attorney This gives your partner the authority to make medical decisions for you if you are unable to do so yourself. The default under the law is that this authorization would be given to a living relative, such as a parent, child, or sibling. Be aware, however, that you will need to make sure that your health care proxy also has a visitation authorization. Because the hospital staff very well could deny your proxy the right to be in the hospital without that piece of paper, even if your partner has been authorized to make medical decisions on your behalf. Read the rest of this entry »

Holy wedding bells, Batman – it’s week 8 of our Wedding on a Budget series and the big day is almost here! We’ve talked about almost all of the details for your wedding and the reception, so it’s about high time that we discussed money saving tips for your honeymoon.

Sharon Naylor, author of 1000 Best Wedding Bargains, offers three simple steps for saving money on your honeymoon.

1. Look at the wedding deals being offered by many airlines like American Airlines.
2. Use your AAA membership to get hotel discounts.
3. Students, military personnel and veterans might get extra discounts. Don’t be ashamed to ask.

Many tips for budget-friendly travel are applicable here. Consider traveling outside of the peak travel times in order to get the best deals. This will vary by destination. But you might want to think about taking your honeymoon separately from your big celebration. For example, my partner and I took our honeymoon before we got committed in order to get a better deal on airfare to the Netherlands. By traveling in March instead of May, we saved over $300 on our tickets. Read the rest of this entry »

Welcome to week 7 of our Wedding on a Budget series. We’ve already discussed saving money on your reception, but today I wanted to specifically address tips for saving money on your wedding cake. You wouldn’t think that flour and sugar could end up being extremely expensive. But the cost of a wedding cake arises from the skill and time that it takes for a pastry chef to construct it for you.

Wedding cakes can be architectural wonders. Anyone who has seen the wedding cake challenges on the Food Network knows that pastry chefs can invent the most fantastic cakes that seem to defy gravity. However, the more extraordinary the cake looks, the more it is going to cost.

In addition to these monumental towers of cake and fondant, the latest trend in cakes is lots of color and individualized personality. Forget your plain, white wedding cakes of the past. These days, bright colors and unique designs are all the rage. So are “mini-cakes” and cupcakes, often at $20 a piece.

Want to save a bundle on your reception? Skip the cupcakes and the celebrity chefs. In their book Wedding Bargains, Denise & Alan Fields suggest you check with your local grocery store’s bakery or look for independent bakeries and pastry chefs in your area in order to save money on your wedding cake. Sure, it would be a dream to have Chef Duff from Ace of Cakes design your wedding cake. But you’re going to blow your entire $2000 budget (and more) if you do that. Read the rest of this entry »

It’s week 6 of our Wedding on a Budget series and we’re already past the halfway point. Time is quickly getting away from us and the big day is almost here. Last week I shared some tips for getting inexpensive clothing for your commitment ceremony. Today I want to talk about one of my favorite subjects – jewelry.

The wedding ring – to buy or not to buy, that is the question. Many couples, gay and straight, have started opting out of the ring tradition for several reasons. For many, the wedding ring symbolizes outdated definitions of marriage where the woman is viewed as the property of her husband. Others are opposed to the genocides in Africa that are a result of the diamond trade. I tend to find validity in both of these viewpoints.

Nevertheless, you and your partner may decide that wedding rings are right for you. In that case, let’s talk about the dollars and cents of picking out your rings. Read the rest of this entry »

Welcome to the fifth installment of Wedding on a Budget. Last week I shared some tips and tricks for keeping your reception costs to a minimum. This week we’re talking about how to save money on your wedding dress or the tux for your big day.

I’m going to start out by conceding a big point: not everyone dreams of getting married in a white gown. Straight couples often opt for nontraditional attire at their weddings, and so do many same sex couples. I’m all for that. Escaping the traditional script of a white gown and a tux is certainly one way of doing your wedding on a budget. But many of us still dream of wearing something special when we declare our commitment to our partner in front of family and friends. Read the rest of this entry »

This is the fourth installment of our Wedding on a Budget series. Last week we talked about choosing a venue and sending out the invitations. This week we’re talking about planning the reception.

Remember that $20,000 figure I gave you on week 1? The bulk of that money is understandably spent on the reception. Buying food and wine for 200 people starts to add up pretty quickly. So the first tip to keeping within a $2000 budget is to keep the guest list small. Stephanie Pedersen, author of The Keep it Simple Guide to Planning a Wedding, agrees. She argues that smaller is better. Fewer guests mean fewer costs. But how do you whittle down your list?

“The easiest way to whittle your guest list is to remove everyone you haven’t spoken to in a year. If it’s still too large, take away someone you haven’t spoken to in three months. It doesn’t matter if your college sorority sister invited you to her wedding 10 years ago. If you haven’t spoken to her in two years, then she’ll probably be just as relieved at not having to get herself to your wedding as you are at being able to eliminate one more name from your list. The same goes for relatives, too . . . Yes, it’s ruthless, but you have to start somewhere.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Welcome to part three of our Wedding on a Budget series. Last week we talked about the decision to hire a wedding planner. This week we’ll talk about picking a location for your event and saving money on the invitations.

Picking a location for your commitment ceremony or wedding can be a lot of fun. The key to finding the right venue is to pick a location that has personal meaning for you and your partner. It could be your favorite diner, the church you attend, or a public park or garden you went to on your first date.

Bronwyn Grant, a social worker from Orange County, California, says that she and her wife Toni got married in their friend’s backyard, which allowed them to stick to a $2500 budget.

“We paid for everything ourselves. My gracious friend Sylvia will never know the gift she gave me by allowing the celebration of our union in her backyard. The backyard had enough space for the wedding party we were planning, approximately 40 people for the reception, and it was free. How can you beat that? It was convenient for food preparation, maintenance and cleanup because the kitchen was just off the backyard. It also allowed us to set up the decorations a day early. The extra expense of having chairs and tables delivered a day early was worth it because we weren’t running around on the day of the wedding.” Read the rest of this entry »