Here at Queercents, I have written about some of these money lessons like Helena and the lifestyle trap and Alice and Tasha moving in together. Nina has written about it as well through the years including “Million Dollar Bets about Kelly McGillis” and “Helena, The L Word, and The M Word” just to name a few.

Well the series finale had its share of money lessons as well. Two in particular stand out to me.

The first brings us back to our favorite L Word character when it comes to talking about (and exuding) money – Helena. Over the six years her net worth has been up, down, thrown in jail, and flitted off to the islands to hide away and live like a vagabond. Recently, however, Helena has finally come full circle from a money standpoint and managed to get it all together. She put her money in a worthwhile project in which she actually shares in the sweat and toil and while she still lives in luxurious digs (I covet her beach house!) she has finally learned how to put people first, then money. Suze Orman would be proud.

So what is the loud and clear lesson Helena offered us in the finale? That money does not solve your problems and it in fact can be a burden. In a heated conversation with Dylan she yells something to the effect that “the problem with having money is you never know if someone likes you because of who you are or just because of your money”. Rachel Shelley is a great actress and I felt every ounce of her character’s pain from the last five seasons in that one statement. Here Helena has finally shifted on the inside and wants a real relationship just woman to woman and once again money gets in the way (or at least feels that way). It is worth remembering that while building wealth and attracting money is a wonderful thing, it doesn’t make all your problems go away. It simply creates different challenges. And, whoever you are as a person on the inside will not change when and if you suddenly come into money. Money just amplifies what is already within you.

The second money lesson comes from our central couple, Bette and Tina. To me the biggest full circle of the series was seeing Bette and Tina in very similar circumstances (changes in careers, considering having a child) but really seeing how they have grown individually and as a couple. Finally we see them as equals in terms of confidence and presence. The lesson they teach us in this finale is that sometimes the decision you most need to make for YOU flies in the face of any money logic you can throw at it. Consider spending tons of money to expand and remodel your house and entering into a large partnership (Bette as partner in the art gallery) only to decide to move 2,000 miles away for a new start and a new career for your partner. I am sure Nina and others here could write volumes about how the numbers just do not crunch. Not only do they not get an ROI on their remodeling investment but more than likely will lose a bundle trying to sell because of the housing situation. Yet, in the end, does it really matter? I’m not talking about throwing financial smarts to the wind here. I’m saying that sometimes the very thing we most need to do for our highest good will not make sense in terms of dollars and cents, at least not immediately. Yet, when a voice from deep within tells you the choice is right, you need to trust and make that choice.  Remember the people first, then money mantra from Suze?  That holds true for your relationship with yourself as well.

I for one will miss these women, the stories they have told, their courage for telling them, and of course the vicarious look into the lives of the super beautiful and relatively well-to-do. So, thanks to all of The L Word team in front of and behind the scenes for the last six years and thanks for leaving us all with just a few more valuable lessons in money.

Do the research. Check with the Better Business Bureau and read complaints if you can find them. You can also email the sites about their success rate, though be prepared to take their answers with a grain of salt. Alexa traffic is another great resource that lest you see how many hits a particular site gets. There are a lot of sites for gay dating out there that just don’t get much traffic. Primarily straight dating sites may do well on traffic but have very few gay subscribers, so make sure there’s enough singles for you to date. If you can’t tell with a basic search, email their customer service.

Shop before you buy. I’d recommend having at least five members you’d like to email off the top, before you even submit a credit card. Don’t be dazzled images of happy couples and stunning singles on the site’s marketing and graphic elements. Only the people who come up in your searches are actual members.

Many sites try to pitch several month memberships for a lower cost. But do you really want to still be looking a year from now? Having pre-set goals about how much time and money you’re willing to invest is critical. Where they allow it I prefer to make one-time payments—that way it doesn’t auto renew when my time runs out and I don’t get stuck with charges because I’m too busy with other things.

Be Active. You’ll get much better results by initiating conversations than you will by waiting for inquiries. Some cool people may hit you up, but for the most part I’ve found I prefer the quality of men I find over those who find me.

Focus on new or active members. These profiles have been updated, logged in or are just starting the service. You know they’re active so that your messages won’t just go into a spam box somewhere. After a while new members will be your primary source of “leads”.

Once the contacts taper off, cut your membership. One of the things I find depressing about online dating is seeing the same guys’ profiles week after week, site after site, for years. No one wants to be a “lifetime customer” for a dating site… and after a while people will start to look familiar.

Promote your profile. That means changing your pictures profile and headline periodically. Recently updated members get preferential placement on some sites so play around. Whenever you restart your account, change things up. People notice these things and it conveys the message that you’re an active subscriber with current pictures. And make sure they’re good pictures that look intriguing in thumbnail sizes.

Remember, when you pay for a site you’re paying to speak to members. Make sure it’s worth it. Divide the cost of the service monthly by the number of contacts you make and the number of dates gotten. If you’re paying thirty bucks to say hello to someone, you might be better off just going to a bar. If you’re not making a lot of contacts then it may be time to pursue other alternatives.

If you don’t have the time or money to make the most of a paid dating site, why not consider some free alternatives like gay social networks? They offer some of the same kinds of profiles without the extra expense.

True to form, Alice has Tasha marching all over town looking at really nice houses. Fancy, beautiful pieces of lodging that would be quite the gem to live in. Knowing that they are in the Greater Los Angeles Area tells us that these little gems are a fortune. The only problem is that it is way outside their budget. Alice is hot on the heels of what could be a lucrative career in television so she is riding high. She is ready to jump right in, become house poor, and then end up on the California foreclosure heap in Season 6 I guess.

Tasha, ever our conservative and reserved gal just keeps repeating “we can’t afford this, lets just keep looking.” Alice feeling all powerful tells Tasha that they don’t have to split the rent right down the middle. Tasha’s quick to retort: “Yes we fucking do!!” In just one quick sentence it gets very clear that they have communicated exactly “not at all” when it comes to how they are going to handle finances and other details once they move in.

Unfortunately this scene is all too familiar with couples. In my day I have seen one too many lesbian couple quickly make the choice to move in together without so much as ever batting an eye at the details. After all, talking about money isn’t romantic. Most couples could benefit immensely from determining if they are compatible money-wise early on. My guess is that Tasha and Alice won’t be navigating these 20 questions about money any time soon on the air or off.

There are as many ways to handle joint finances as there are relationships as our Sleeping with Money series regularly shows. But it always comes down to one big key to success:

COMMUNICATION

Of course if you watch the previews for the Season 5 Finale of The L Word you’ll see that Tasha and Alice may have more than just money differences in store for them in the future.

Paula Gregorowicz, owner of The Paula G. Company, works with women who are ready to create their lives and businesses the way the want rather than how they were told they “should”. She is the author of the 12 part eCourse “How to Be Comfortable in Your Own Skin” which you can download for free at her website http://www.thepaulagcompany.com.

A more accurate title might have been Sleeping With Money: Don’t Date Single Parents, but obviously soccer mom is a better descriptive to get clicks on this post. After all, you’re reading it. I rest my case.

Anyway, Amanda was loosely classified as a soccer mom. Technically speaking, she’d have to be a married housewife. She wasn’t. She was separated from her husband. But she was a mom and until our fling, I had never dated a mother before. Never again.

Much like Aundi’s revelation about the cost of dating a straight woman, there’s a price you’ll pay dating a single parent. First, you’ll never be her priority. Her child or children come first. End of story.

Sidebar: Don’t believe me? Then read this edition of the Modern Love series in The New York Times called Me, My Daughter and Them. Or if you prefer, catch the queer version edited weekly by The Gay Recluse. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming…

Second, single parents are tapped for time. Of course, Amanda was able to find time to date me with actions imitating the advice listed here: (e.g. schedule a ‘date’ on a Saturday afternoon, go out for a latte, meet at the gym, etc.). Actually, that’s where we first met. At the gym. She worked there. Groan all you like, but yes, I bagged my beautiful, bi-curious trainer. And then I tried to date her. Seriously. What was I thinking?

But the kid always got in the way. Not in spending time together. No, the together time was fine since her young daughter tagged along on many of our outings. And we had a lot of family fun as most of these activities were focused on the four-year-old: days at the beach, Disneyland, Sunday road trips, dinners, G movies, and ice cream… all bankrolled by moi!

So when I say the daughter got in the way, well, she got in the way of our “alone” time. And after the first couple of times alone, it was hard for Amanda to make time for me… of the alone variety. Get the picture. But she always was willing to spend time as a “family” and seemed to appreciate that I paid for everything.

After six months I finally said, “It feels like we’re dating, it looks like we’re dating, but we’re really not dating.” If a woman tells you her kid is everything, then what does that make you? I had just become her best friend with a fat wallet and all too willing to open it.

Maybe this post has more to do with me and my co-dependency and thinking back then that I could buy someone’s love. If I do all these nice things for her then she’ll love me. If I buy her this, then she’ll love me. Or at a minimum, sleep with me. I learned that wasn’t so with the mommy set.

It was just the kick in the pants that I needed to move on and date single, available lesbians which of course, led to other money lessons from The Year of Nina. Play ball!

I have a better idea. DListed.com (via Gawker) introduced me to this list of the “50 Gayest Songs of All Time” compiled by Inside Out Australia to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Sydney’s Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras. Why not download them from any of your favorite music retailers for .99¢ each?

You’ll have gems in your playlist such as “Your Disco Needs You.” (Had some trouble posting the video here, so here’s the link to it.

To those of you who have all of these songs on your iPod, just keep being sexy I guess…

I’ve never really been into public displays of affection. Some might argue that this is a tactic often used to keep options open, but I’m genuinely not into it. It makes me uncomfortable. It’s annoying and dramatic. I didn’t enjoy it when I lived in what I call the “vacuum” queer communities like Seattle’s Capital Hill, or various San Francisco neighborhoods, or West Hollywood, places where one can almost forget that straights still rule most of the world. So, the fact that I still don’t like PDA can’t be entirely attributed to the fact that my present home is a small city with a nearly invisible and geographically scattered queer community in which I’m generally the only visibly queer person around. I simply just haven’t changed.

My new lover, however, is obsessed with her newfound identity. She wants to make-out in inconvenient places, to hold hands and other parts everywhere, to embrace in the grocery store. It’s not my thing, but I have to admit that my discomfort has alerted me to something else that’s going on.

We were friends for a few months before things took a slightly different direction, and we share some crossover in our academic communities as well as our acquaintance circles. Because I have lived in the aforementioned locations for the past decade, I haven’t really invested much attention in the fact that the straight world works economically very differently than the gays’ world and that many of the differences are based on sexed gender roles. Of course, many queers fall into (or consciously select) hetero-normative behaviors once in a relationship, and, of course, I’m absolutely stereotyping all straights into one neat category. There’s a very apparent and dominant system crystallizing around me, however, and it’s kind of unsettling. Straight, beautiful, feminine women get a lot of freebies.

Maybe someone should newsflash me again. I know this is old news. I also know that freebies are obviously available on a number of levels depending on factors as varied as attractiveness, attraction, wealth, need, ambition, deceitfulness, smarts, timing, etc. The micro-economy of freebie availability to stereotypically feminine and beautiful women, who have established sexual dynamics and roles with men is staggering, however, more so than I’ve ever paid attention to.

I’ve heard a lot of talk about it. Femme groups have held forums and debates on this very topic for years to discuss this and counter-topics, like how they are alternatively “taxed” in such an economy. Honestly, it’s never taken center-stage in my brain, but – as my faults tend to fall – now that it’s affecting my personal life, wow, I’m really interested.

Interested might not be the right word choice. I feel protective. It seems like a huge chunk of personal economy and, as a result, personal finance, to divorce oneself from such a system. My lover is doing it unabashedly, joyfully. I know how horrible I sound, but during my uncomfortable compromises of PDA, I am truly feeling hints of homophobia for the first time since I was seventeen years old. It’s terrifying to watch the volatile transition of someone’s immediate economy breaking down around them while another simultaneously constructs itself. More important than material things falling casualty to the situation, people and connections have made major shifts.

When I broach this topic with my lover, she seems either oblivious to what’s going on or it’s genuinely not bothering her; obviously she’s not as reliant on the “exchanges” as I would have myself believe. Her success is not invested in what I’m witnessing.

My personal homophobia has me recanting some of my favorite soap box topics, like why is the WNBA laden with closet-cases, and why is it still fashionable to have fake marriages in Hollywood? Obviously because people like me are afraid that if too much power exposed its queerness too quickly, the economy would crumble like it would have under Hillary’s original healthcare plan.

Speaking of basketball (sort of), a few weeks ago I was at the Tate Modern in London and found myself for the second time halted by an aquarium with three basketballs floating in it, officially known as Three Ball Total Equilibrium Tank (Two Dr J Silver Series, Spalding NBA Tip-Off) 1985, by the artist Jeff Koons. The piece is supposed to be a commentary on the parallel between the way some groups use art and others sports for a climb in social status. Ironically, Koons was called “a decadent artist…He is another of those who serve the tacky rich,” by Mark Stevens of The New Republic.

According to the Tate website, the balls sink every six months and have to be reset. The perceived equilibrium is indeed an idealized utopia. Things shift, thankfully. Someone should also let the curator know, if they haven’t since my visit, that there’s some weird layer of film developing on the underside of Jeff’s balls. They may not be sinking yet, but something’s ready for a change.

But in a two-income household, one partner usually has other obligations that keep him or her at home. So what about those of us stuck with the eerie stillness of an empty house and only a cold pillow to clutch in the middle of the night? Where are our handy tips for survival?

Scour the web on this subject and you’ll only find words to feed a lovesick song, much like the ones provided by yours truly above. But there’s no need to be a drama queen about it. Time away from your traveling partner can be quite manageable as long as you keep busy and create the right dose of absence — which truly does make the heart grow fonder — as I’ve learned with my partner Zac, who is an academic and often has to take off for conferences.

Here is a list of 6 out-of-the-ordinary and frugal things I do while he’s away that keeps me happy and our relationship healthy:

1. Watch movies he’d NEVER watch with me: Even after two years together, I still get shocked by how we’re a perfect match for each other. Although, I wouldn’t expect (nor want) my perfect match to actually sit through an 80-minute documentary about the type font Helvetica like I recently enjoyed doing. That would be too matchy.

2. Explore neglected RSS feeds: Who has time to read all their RSS feeds? Call me modern, but sometimes I like to just sit at home on a quiet night with a glass of wine and read up on all the sites and blogs I never have time to read. Once in a while I find a post that’s a real gem.

3. Flock with partners in a similar situation: One of my best friends often has to leave town for family obligations. I enjoyed a rare moment of one-on-one time with her partner while she was away, and we had a blast. Not only did I get to know her partner better, but it was refreshing to hang out with someone who can empathize.

4. Sharpen up cooking and baking skills: I don’t bake (too expensive of a hobby for me), but I love to cook. While Zac is away, I like to experiment with dishes that I’d be afraid would come out awful on the first try and ruin our dinner together. When Zac comes back, we have new and reliably good additions to our rotation.

5. Brainstorm additional streams of income: Well if you’ve got the extra time on your hands, why not figure out other ways to bring in money? Brainstorm, makes some plans, and figure out who you can talk to who can help firm up those plans. You’d be surprised by how much time this actually ends up taking, and you soon realize why you rarely have time to do it when you’re spending time with your partner.

6. More frequent exercise: Again, why not kill some extra time by going to the gym an additional day or working out a bit longer? I find that it keeps my energy up and takes my mind out of a rut. And it adds a boost to your appearance to which your partner will likely not complain.

Of course, you can always catch up with friends; read books; volunteer; enjoy nature; write in your journal and plenty of other things unique to you. The key is to enjoy your individuality while your partner is away. Preserving a sense of individuality is one of the things that keeps freshness in my relationship with Zac. When he gets back from his business trips, it’s a reunion of two highly compatible individuals.

How about your dear readers? Do any of you have tips for staying busy while your partner is away that I didn’t mention? I’d love to hear them.

I never liked being single. Sure, I always tried to thrive during my alone time and often referred to this period as: The Year of Nina. Obviously, there was more than just one year of Nina. It was usually the year or two between my longer term relationships. Or the year I came out of the closet. That was some Year of Nina!

But not all of the years were fabulous. I recall one particular Valentine’s Day during my late twenties in between Partner #1 and Partner #2 when I wasn’t quite thriving. I was self-employed and basically broke. I had left a stable career, started a business (a product called The Paper Salad – what was I thinking??), depleted my savings and was now working as many demeaning service jobs at night just to afford my rent, car payment and health insurance. And I was alone.

No one to lean on. No one to love me. It definitely felt like a low point in life. I was living in Connecticut… far away from my family in Ohio. I don’t think any of them realized how challenging my circumstances were at the time. Until the box arrived from my oldest sister…

It was a box full of Victoria’s Secret underwear in a selection of red, white and heart prints… which is funny because I tend to be a black and beige kind of gal. Technically, the care package likely arrived shortly after Valentine’s and so I can almost guarantee she had found them on the sale rack and paid cash for them.

But that’s not the point of this lonely heart story. A few months earlier when I was home during the holidays she noticed I needed new underwear. I told you I was broke. I really was! And I was single so nobody was seeing my undies anyway. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

But I have two sisters and sisters tend to prance around in their underwear when they’re all under one roof. I remember another visit when I was the skinniest in my life (this would be an example of a good Year of Nina!) and my middle sister made me take off my jeans right in the middle of her living room to see if she could fit into them. She’s the competitive one. Point being, it’s not so weird for either one of them to take note of my intimate apparel.

My oldest sister did and this was her way of sending me a little box of love and support during a financially challenging period of life. I was alone, but I really wasn’t. Love and money come in many shapes and sizes. Sometimes it arrives unexpected and is red, white and heart shaped. Happy Valentine’s!

Feel free to tell me your best V-day money story below! It doesn’t have to have anything to do with sisters and underwear!

This weekend Kim and I celebrate our 16th anniversary of being together. Around 14 years ago we were faced with a relationship ending decision. You see, we were both young and just out of college and had juggled the emotions of coming out (to ourselves and others), our first full time jobs, and a long distance relationship. The whole travel I-78 thing every weekend and having to separate in the wee hours of Monday morning to make the return commute was growing old and dramatic. She wasn’t out to her parents at the time and we were attempting to build some sort of relationship foundation and future.

The question became – are you willing to give up your job to make the move? I had the better paying job and lived in the preferable location so it came down to her having to decide. We knew it was either move in together and stay together or give it up and go our separate ways. While I know there are plenty of folks who can and do make long distance relationships work, that is not something either of us desired.

With a deep breath and a flourish that left her parents befuddled and disappointed (after all, who leaves a good job to move 2 hours away to live with a “friend”??), she took the leap. It was a courageous act for both of us, but especially for her since she was the one leaving a job she enjoyed. At the time I was young, without obligations (other than rent), and working a well paying job (even though I hated it) so it wasn’t a big deal for me to handle the bulk of the financial obligations.

Looking back I wonder how we ever managed, at that stage of our lives and personal evolution, to take the risk and make it happen. Back then I was about as risk-averse and possessive of my apartment as they came. But, we did it and I can certainly say from where I stand now I am so thankful we did!

What have been your relationship experiences when it comes to deciding who moves or who delays/changes/gives up careers for the relationship bigger picture? Have you found it more difficult to make these decisions because of being in an LGBT relationship and all the related financial and legal inequities that go along with it? Would love to hear your experiences in the comments.

I’ve been tossing around the idea of grad school for quite some time, until finally deciding that I’d like to be in an MFA program three years from now. The rub: I had to figure out how I was going to earn money in the meantime. I certainly did not want to go back to working as a litigation paralegal. The job was wrecking my health, values, sanity — you name it, the job defiled it. I was the wrong guy for the job.

There weren’t many other options left for a guy with a psych B.A., many years of legal experience and general burnout. Rather than be lost and miserable, I decided that I must go further with my vow of creativity in order to have a satisfying career. A brief certification program through my local community college was the most affordable and pleasing choice to get a new set of skills. Of course, I had to take into consideration how this all affects my partner.

Time: Many adults who go back to school find themselves in evening classes, which can lead to an opposite schedule with your partner. This impacts how partners make time for dinner together, household chores, leisure, sleep schedules and personal time.

I have night classes Monday through Thursday. Some nights I get home earlier than others. Late nights we eat separately. On early nights Zac and I have dinner together and split up the duties. I’ll get groceries or prepare raw ingredients before class; Zac takes over the cooking when I’m on my way home. If he ends up doing all the cooking, I do the dishes. No fights, no fuss.

Some couples may want to come to agreement on how chores are split. There’s no point in arguing about who has the longer day and who should be exempt from chores. From personal experience, Zac and I are equally exhausted by the end of the day / week, and neither of us is enthusiastic about vacuuming or scrubbing the bathtub.

Leisure, sleep schedules and personal time are the greatest challenge for a couple when a partner goes back to school. Much give and take is required. Zac took advantage of flexibility in his schedule to carve out leisure time with me. He now goes to bed and work later so that we can veg out together. In return, I give Zac top priority when I have free time. Balancing personal time for friends is still something I’m trying to sort out.

Money: Tuition, supplies, living expenses, lost wages. How does the couple cope?

The best solution may be different for every couple. Since Zac and I still have separate finances, I decided to change nothing about how I contribute for our shared expenses such as rent, utilities and groceries. I’ll also be responsible for my own education costs.

For me, it came down to a simple question for Zac: How do you feel about me going into more debt and having less money for the next year?

Since I had Zac’s full support, the decision to go back to school was a no-brainer. I was able to do well financially at a job I hated. I no longer wanted to imagine how much better I could do if I actually followed my interests and passions; I decided to take action instead.

I’m rather confident that going back to school will pay off financially. I love all of my classes right now, and Zac loves to see me happier than he’s ever seen me. In this case, a partner going back to school is making a relationship richer. A year from now, my bank account will be richer too.