“The family is one of nature’s masterpieces.” — George Santayana

BabyToday is the second annual Blogging for LGBT Families Day, where the LGBT community and allies come together in support of our families. Queercents offers a couple of posts on the topic of money & family. Here is mine:

So I haven’t written about our baby-making attempts in awhile. The longer it takes, the harder it gets to talk about it. Emotions aside, it’s costing us a boatload of money. We have been trying for eighteen months and just surpassed the $30,000 mark. Here are the previous posts that mark our journey:

Under our health insurance, neither of us have coverage for fertility treatments. Well, Jeanine had some, but it was minimal — about $2,000 and we blew through that early on. Everything else has been as they say “out-of-pocket” and the pockets set aside for the baby making process are quickly getting depleted.

Deborah Simmons and Alice Ottavi wrote an article for Rainbow Families that discuss the stressors of trying to get pregnant. They said, “Couple dynamics become caught up in the infertility experience because it literally takes over partners’ lives. Everything is on hold. Coping styles may differ, leading to breakdowns in communication and decision making. One person may scour medical sources and the Internet for new data on treatment, while her partner stays aloof from the process.”

“Financial stresses can also add intensity to the burden of grief and loss, which are central to the infertility experience. For all of its pain, infertility can also be a source of valuable life knowledge and can bring couples closer together. Communicating honestly, seeking the support of others in similar circumstances, and accessing resources are important ways for couples to deal with the challenges of infertility.”

Jeanine and I have definitely grown closer through this experience. And we are still hopeful that the outcome of all this effort will be a lovely little baby. But before anyone asks, we’re also starting to research adoption alternatives. We will “get the baby” as one friend tags it. It just will take more time and money.

Here’s some baby advice from a few prominent people in our community. I asked these questions as part of our Ten Money Questions series. Loved the answers and thought it was worth repeating today!

1. As a mother, what advice would you give to gay and lesbian couples managing expenses associated with the baby-making process?

Kara Swisher wrote, “Do your research. We did a lot and got pregnant quickly. We bought, for example, an ovulation predictor machine, which cost a few hundred dollars, rather than the cheaper pee sticks. It was much more accurate and we saved a lot in not having to inseminate a lot. We also did test to make sure we were actually ovulating (we each had one kid) as women don’t every month.”

Hilary Rosen said, “We adopted privately. At the time it seemed really expensive, but it ultimately it was pretty much a fixed cost rather than an open-ended process of medical interventions. No one wants to think of money and having a baby in the same sentence. I guess the most important thing is that no matter how convinced you are that there is only one acceptable way for you to have a baby, in the end, you will love and parent exactly the same way. So be flexible.”

2. Same-sex parents have to make a mindful and concerted effort to have children. Often this requires spending thousands of dollars to get pregnant, adopt, or pay a surrogate. Are gays and lesbians better parents because of the financial investment required to get the kid?

Rebecca Walker said, “I can’t say they are better parents because of their financial investment. I can say that they are extremely determined to have a baby, and that bodes well for their parental stamina once the baby arrives. They are obviously also able to sacrifice material comforts on behalf of another human being, a trait that can’t be underestimated.”

Abigail Garner wrote, “Nope. It makes them more anxious, financially-strapped parents.”

“Sometimes the financial situation gets so overwhelming, but determined parents-to-be stay the course, reassuring themselves the breakthrough is right around the corner. Seventeen corners later, they have drained their savings, maxed out their credit cards, lost any hope of saving for retirement, and they still aren’t parents yet. It can be financially devastating, not to mention the emotional toll.”

“In the process of the increasing financial strain, money too easily becomes the default blame for conflicts, so what would otherwise be red flags in a stressed relationship get ignored. The tension gets swept under the rug and then when a kid comes on the scene the relationship is on the rocks and finances are shaky. And that doesn’t begin to address the costs of, say, a second child, much less their braces and college tuition.”

“I recommend that hopeful couples agree on a financial cap in advance, and then take a break if they exceed that cap. Use the break to refocus on the relationship, get a sense of your financial picture, and reassess the tough questions about how ” and if ” they want to proceed. The relationship is in serious jeopardy when one or both of the people in the couple start to resent the financial sacrifice but won’t bring it up with their partner.”

3. You once left a comment on my blog that the baby-making process can take much longer than planned and often becomes an extremely stressful time for couples. As a mother of two girls, what advice would you give to lesbian couples trying to have a baby?

Susan Ryan-Vollmar wrote, “I would say the most important thing is to keep talking with one another about what you’re experiencing. Actually, there are two most important things. You have to talk honestly and you have to listen to your partner. It may sound trite, but it’s true. My partner and I have been together now for 22 years. We met during our freshman year in college and went through the most ridiculously difficult, years-long coming out process before we finally got our acts together.”

“I always believed that surviving the start of our relationship would be our biggest test as a couple. But it wasn’t even close. Dealing with infertility proved to be 1000 times more difficult. You are two individuals going through entirely different things ” one person may be getting hormone shots to increase the likelihood of getting pregnant and the other is dealing with the hormone-addled lunatic. You’re spending a lot of money. You may also be borrowing a lot of money. You don’t know if it’s going to work. You may start to hate to be around other people who have babies because it’s too painful.”

“It’s not easy. But the kicker is once you finally get a baby. That makes the whole infertility thing look like a cakewalk. It’s a ton of stress and you ‘must’ take care of your relationship or you ‘will’ end up divorced. Gee, I’m making this whole journey-to-parenthood thing sound great, aren’t I?”

Ahhh, yes, the journey to parenthood… of course, this post will be continued! But for now, Jeanine and I have to get back to writing checks to medical professionals, labs and pharmacies. Happy Blogging for LGBT Families Day!