Coming Out, Work, and My Simple Life
A woman works with her coworkers; eats lunch with them and may even have a couple of drinks after work. She doesn’t say anything about being gay, but then, she also doesn’t say anything about being straight either. One day, some one sees her at a pride festival and word gets around that she is gay or at least gay supportive. Suddenly, fewer people talk to her at work or ask her out for drinks after work.
Sadly, this goes on in corporations, small businesses and schools every week. This one little word gets around and the people that loved to hang out together now don’t even want to be seen around the ‘marked’ person. My heart goes out to the people who go through this; my heart goes out to you.
The woman hasn’t changed in attitude, they didn’t become more sinister or mean spirited, they didn’t suddenly start becoming antagonistic towards the other persons choice of politics or religion. They didn’t even turn into the elephant man over night. Though, you would think so. How she chooses to react to that or not react will help her not only understand herself but those around her..
This recently happened to myself. Thinking back, I don’t believe I have directly seen the effect of people finding out about my personal life and feeling the need to disconnect from me. High School was high school; everyone is moody at that time, so I don’t count it.
I run another website called Frugal for Life and a couple guys proclaimed their enjoyment of my ideas, thoughts and unique perspective. They linked to the site and even mentioned the site on occasion when they thought I had written something of note they wanted to pass along. I didn’t mention, and still don’t mention, my personal life in detail on that site. I don’t feel it relates to what I write. And I know that many of my reader’s opinions are not supportive of my personal life, so I keep the information out of what I write and make it more mainstream. I like happy people.
Since participating in this site, these particular two guys have dropped any connection to my site or me from their website. I kind of knew this might happen as I knew a bit about their beliefs and in a way, I expected this to happen. I think what shocked me most was that they proved my assumptions correct.
I am still the same person with the same quirky viewpoint. I still keep my other site separate from this site. I am still the same person, except now they know more about my personal life and they view that as more important than knowing or listening to me.
I am not mad or hateful, hurt, yes. I respect them for sticking to the finite rules of their beliefs and I wish them well and hope that those rules don’t hinder them from getting to know some wonderful people in future. I choose to forgive and move on, holding this as a grudge will only make my life more complicated and I hate complicated. Forgiveness is much simpler than the grudge that wears me down and complicates my life and relationships with others.
And thank YOU for listening to me get this off my chest. Take Care.
And then there are those of us who respect you even more for doing it 🙂
Aw. I hate that stuff. I am insulated from it somewhat since I work in advertising and people seem to be a bit more on the liberal side. But I’m also pretty out (well, in the last year)…so…I guess it’s been a while since I’ve experienced that transition between people not knowing and then knowing.
Thinking of you. Sounds like you process it well.
Thanks pf – You are a great guy all around. I wish we could replicate more guys like you.
Christine- I appreciate your thoughts and hope all is moving along well with replacing your stuff.
That is so small-minded, rude and just generally obnoxious. As you’ve said, it’s high school where you expect people to act like that. Otherwise you’d expect everyone to just agree on what we agree on, agree to disagree on the other things, and just leave it at that. Fortunately, it seems like the agree-to-disagree people are in the majority.
I have, thoughout the course of this year, gradually come out to some of the people I work with. I was choosy about who knew and I trust them all and I feel lucky in that respect. I’m sorry to read about your own experience. Kudos to you for what you do!
This must be frustrating… you’re all happy, friendly, and getting along with everyone, then you become sort of a social leper just because of your orientation. It may not all be due to hatred or anti-gay sentiment though. Most people are afraid of things they aren’t familiar with or don’t understand, thus they avoid them. I know of many white people who aren’t racist, but also were raised in an exclusively white environment, and they feel intimidated by black people just because they haven’t ever known any. This may very well be the case with some of your coworkers. Even if they did know you before hand, maybe they feel uncomfortable because they suddenly don’t know how to address you. I’ve found this to be very common. I think the best thing you can do is to keep on being a nice, thoughtful, compassionate person and hope that they catch on that their fears (or possible prejudice) are unfounded ;-).
BTW… nice blog.
Sorry you have had to feel the sting (no matter how minor) of rejection. I am a regular reader of Frugal for Life and find your posts entertaining, informative, and useful.
I have to concur with pfadvice…I admire you even more for doing it!
When these things happen to me or others I know, I often think — we don’t really need those types of people in our lives (who like us but only if we fit their image of us) . It is ultimately draining on some level & keeps us from truly shining. It holds us back from the success we’re meant to have. It’s not always fun, especially when the folks who have a change of heart can negatively impact you in some way (for people who come out at work or to their boss, clients, etc.) — but in the end we have to feel good about who we are and in integrity with it.
Good for you Dawn, for being who you really are and courageous enough to share it with us all. I am certain you’ll positively impact far more people with your truthful stand than you ever would with a few guys who are more married to their biases than the value you provide.
I think ppl were confounded when I told them I lived in the gay district and I was straight. People and their small minds. C’est la vie. All I can say is I hope they don’t infect someone else with their posioned thinking. Good for you for being out loud and proud. You are a role model for frugal living. But now I can admire you for two things.