Financial Infidelity: Do Money Secrets Undermine a Relationship?
‘œA half truth is a whole lie.’ ‘“ Yiddish Proverb
Anyone remember the story about Kathy Griffin’s husband sneaking into her wallet, taking her ATM cards and withdrawing money from accounts without her knowledge? The guy is now her ex-husband.
According to a Harris Interactive survey, twenty-four percent of all those currently in a relationship say honesty about finances is more important than honesty about fidelity. Nearly a third of these people in this same survey say they have been dishonest with their partner about spending habits. Remember the post about women paying cash to hide splurges from their husbands?
Or do you recall that first big money fight I had with Jeanine? That hovered in the ‘œwhite lie’ category’¦ what you don’t know won’t hurt you? Or can it hurt your relationship? The USA Today reported recently that money and fidelity go hand in hand:
In the wake of the revelations regarding former New York governor Eliot Spitzer’s trysts with high-dollar call girls, couples ‘” especially women ‘” were giving their own relationships the once-over. In online chats and call-in radio programs, the discussions followed a common theme: ‘œWhat would I do if that happened to me? Surely I would have had a clue it was coming. And anyway, how could he spend serious money on an affair or a prostitute ‘” or on anything else, for that matter ‘” without my knowing?’
How indeed. Many couples commit monetary deceit in their marriages. Someone lies about finances or doesn’t share the details. It can be innocuous, such as fudging on the cost of purchases or hiding a spending spree. Or it could be more significant, such as having a secret credit card or bank account, serious enough to be considered what some relationship experts call ‘œfinancial infidelity.’
But what constitutes deceit? Take this quiz and find out. Bankrate lists 5 reasons why spouses financially ‘˜cheat’:
1. Lack of trust in spouse.
2. Reluctance to share with spouse.
3. Compulsion to lie because you don’t feel entitled to buy things for yourself.
4. Spouse doesn’t feel you’re entitled to buy things for yourself.
5. Inability to problem-solve together about money matters.
Wouldn’t these reasons be eliminated by communicating with our spouse? The key is to keep each other involved and this requires talking about money. Bankrate elaborates:
Cheating may be the presenting issue, but underneath it, it usually has something to do with ongoing lack of trust, lack of respect or one of us doesn’t have commitment’¦ Open, honest communication about all things financial, including the couple’s money agreements, can help two people rebuild their relationship together. It’s in the dark places, from secret spending to hidden account balances, that doubt and suspicion take root and grow.
Just ask Kathy Griffin’¦ or maybe you’d like to tell us your own story. Have you ever kept a ‘œmoney’ secret from your spouse? Feel free to comment below.
Hi Nina. Great post. But your questions presuppose that someone is already in a long-term relationship with someone. Do you feel that asking a potential long-term partner questions about their financial habits is legit? Before you rent the U-Haul, shouldn’t you talk about fiscal responsibility?
Also, do you consider it fiscal infidelity if a couple share a joint account, but each partner also maintains a personal account?
Well I’ve never had a Partner…not for lack of trying (I think anyway! }:~D)
But IMO a full fledged discussion of money would have to come about at the “Move In” stage.
I see no need for sitting down with someone you have not reached the point of deadly seriousness with about moving in with and exchanging Pay Stubs, Balance Sheets, and Inventory Records.
That said if you haven’t gotten a good idea of your potential mates money habits by observation during the courtship you need to get rid of the Rose Colored Glasses…and Quick!!! (OK! Love Is Blind…sheeeesh!)
However I will admit that I usually make it a point on date if the question comes up about “What Are You Looking For” to be honest about it.
~ Roland
P.S. and if you must know its someone who can stand on their own feet mentally and financially…Sugar Daddy I’m not nor do I want to be the “Boi Toy” either…..Partner IMO means EQUALS!!!
I always thought keeping secret the amount of what was in your personal account bank account(separate from the joint account) didn’t count as a monetary infidelity. I saw it as more like as something that makes sure you have something to help you get back on your feet in case the relationship ended, although I guess this shows a big lack of trust in that assuming the relationship will end some day? I don’t know whether to classify that as being realistic or being paranoid…
Also, is it even legal for you to keep personal accounts secret when married? Like in the case of divorce, do the judges also split up those accounts for the alimony?
Assuming that any future partner I settle down with still won’t be recognized by the law back as common-law partners, I guess disclosing of personal worth is still pretty much up to the individual?
Ugh, I’m suddenly feeling like an awful Bridget Jones-type singleton with my mind running away with all these scenarios instead of dealing with the task at hand – ie. finding the love of my life and convincing her to settle down with me in the first place! *sighs*
Serena: I remember initiating the serious “money” conversation with my partner just after a few months of dating. Regarding separate accounts… we have joint assets in a trust, but we still keep separate bank accounts. It works for us.
Roland: I definitely agree that you can learn a lot about someone’s money habits during the early stages of dating. There are many hints… just observe as you say!
Karen: There’s nothing wrong with being realistic with the “if and when” to merge finances…
I googled “financial secrets in a relationship” and this blog was one of the top responses and I so needed to read this. I found out only about 2 weeks ago that my partner, of over a year and with whom I just moved in with 3 months ago, kept from me a very dark secret that she was in serious trouble with her car loan and was not making the payments on time — for the past 9 months!! AND found this out when one evening the repo truck came and got her car. She and I are on serious relationship rocks…I am in the middle of searching for a job and now a possible break-up?? My head is spinning, my heart is broken, I am in turmoil. We love and care about her deeply. I thought I was the luckiest woman in the world to have found my soul-mate; we have such incredible communication (or do we?) about all other matters in our relationship, we have amazing chemistry and although I knew when we moved into the house together that she was struggling to make ends meet, I had NO idea exactly how much stuggling was going on which began WAY before we moved in together…She is saying she thought that she could “handle it on her own”, “didn’t want to bother me with it”…etc, etc. I don’t know what I have done to make her feel like she couldn’t have shared this with me and that together we could over-come it. I can’t believe she put her head on the pillow next to mine night after night and could keep this huge money-problem to herself. She is beside herself now with remorse and has already taken steps to try to rectify the situation – both for herself financially and then for our relationship (credit counseling, therapy, etc, etc). But, can I get the trust back? Will I ever see her the same way? Should I do what I would tell my best friend to do: run hard, run fast and don’t look back – be glad that you found out after only a year as opposed to 10? What we had was the kind of love and relationship that made our family and friends jealous. I feel like ALL of it is now a lie, a cover-up, a farse. Posts in response to this would be so appreciated. Let me know your thoughts.
PS – It might? bear some relevance that we come from very different backgrounds, she’s a first-generation cute, funny Mexican girl from LA and I’m a white, international girl from New Jersey. Perhaps I’m grabbing at straws.