Funds to Form a Family: Adoption process begins. And so does the check writing.
‘œHowever motherhood comes to you, it’s a miracle.’ ‘“ Valerie Harper, adoptive parent
There’s a saying that, ‘œLove makes a family.’ Money sometimes makes a family on top of all that love. Or at least a deposit of $4,000 begins the process. Technically, it’s labeled a ‘œretainer’ and we wrote the check on Saturday morning to a law office in Los Angeles specializing in private adoptions.
We’re buying a baby.
It sounds a bit crass to describe it that way, but that’s what it boils down to. We were told to budget $25,000 to $30,000 to get our baby. There are less expensive paths to adoption as outlined by Adoption.com.
Adopting from the U.S. foster care system is generally the least expensive type of adoption, usually involving little or no cost, and states often provide subsidies to adoptive parents. Stepparent and kinship adoptions are often not very costly. Agency and private adoptions can range from $5,000 to $40,000 or more depending on a variety of factors including services provided, travel expenses, birthmother expenses, requirements in the state, and other factors. International adoptions can range from $7,000 to $30,000.
But we’ve quickly learned that money is another way of ensuring our preferences. ‘œPreferences’ is the politically correct way of saying we want a white baby. Before everyone pounces, I wrote about this once before when we were first considering sperm donors. I used a review of a story line from The L Word way back in Season 2.
Central to the show is Bette Porter (Jennifer Beals) and Tina Kennard (Laurel Hollomon), a lesbian couple who, after seven years of dating, want to have a child by artificially inseminating Tina. The character of Bette Porter is biracial, of black and white descent. Bette and Tina struggle to find a suitable sperm donor until one day, Bette announces that she’s found the perfect man. Tina is shocked when the donor turns out to be black, and she realizes that she hadn’t fully processed the possibility of having a part-black child. Bette is surprised and hurt that Tina would be so uncomfortable with having a biracial baby, but Tina finally comes around and she is successfully inseminated.
What was left out of the review was Tina defending why she thought they should have a Caucasian baby. In the heat of their debate, Tina said (this is the paraphrased version because I couldn’t find the quote online), ‘œIsn’t it hard enough for a child to grow up with two mommies’¦ why would we want to burden it with being biracial too?’
It’s strange, but the more we talk with our friends and family about adopting, race is always brought up in the conversation. Why is that?
In December, we attended a seminar for an agency adoption. The social worker was wonderful and we learned more about the process, but we decided that our chances for a match would increase if we retain the law office with 12 couples on its wait list versus the 150 represented by the agency.
Of course, there’s a premium for increasing these odds and it equates to $10,000 more than the agency price. After spending $55,000 on fertility treatments this still seems like a bargain and low risk, since we’re practically guaranteed to get a baby. Or so they say.
There still are financial risks. I’ll refer back to Adoption.com and its blurb on Domestic Independent Adoptions:
Adoptive families who pursue independent adoptions report spending $8,000 to $30,000 and more depending on several factors. Independent adoptions are now allowed in most states, but advertising in newspapers, magazines, etc. seeking birth parents is not allowed in all states. Costs for advertising for birth parents can be in the $5,000 range.
Adoptive parents may find that they pay birth parent expenses for birth parents who then change their mind and that money is not reimbursed. Some couples have had more than one arrangement with a birth parent fall through. Some states require that adoptive parents pay for separate legal representation for birth parents, in addition to their own legal representation. If the child has medical difficulties, birth expenses can be much higher.
Next step: We need to complete our homestudy with the State and this will cost another $2,500.
In parallel, we write our parent profile. This is a marketing vehicle and the primary way a birthmother will decide to select us. The adoption director at the law office encouraged us to emphasize that Jeanine is an attorney. He indicated that birthmothers gravitate to professionals because of the ‘œstability’ perception. He also suggested a beach photo since we live in Newport. Midwestern birthmothers love the thought of their kid growing up near the beach and seemingly the good life. That allusion to money is a weird thing’¦ whatever it takes.
Jeanine and I will create our profile in the next two weeks. Then we wait for Juno.
I wanted a designer baby, but then I found out it’s something to do with genetics, not so much Dolce & Gabbana.
All kidding aside, I’ll Photoshop your beach portrait for you. Every little bit helps. 🙂
I fully understand the joys of adoption, as I adopted my son a little under a year ago, and I congratulate you on starting the process…and, I hope you find the perfect child to add to your family!
I realize it’s probably just tongue-in-cheek, but I recoiled at the “We’re buying a baby” line. I hope it is just tongue-in-cheek, but even so, I think it’s one we should refrain from using. In my opinion it just perpetuates the myth that adoption is child-buying, with little or no difference from child trafficking.
A.J.: I just might take you up on the Photoshop offer. It’s very competitive… this profile thingy… and anything giving us an edge is welcomed!
Jonathan: I appreciate you sharing your sensitivity with the “we’re buying a baby” line, but yes, it was meant to ring of satire and irony. It certainly wasn’t meant to connote the baby trafficking imagery but I understand how that could be implied. In the future, I’ll elect not to use it as a descriptive about our activity, although the emphasis was on the buy part as in the money we are spending. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to comment and congrats on becoming a parent!
Sidebar: A couple of weeks ago, I read a money essay for Public Radio written around the time we were waiting to learn about our latest IVF results. You can listen to the podcast at The Art of Conception link where it aired on the 51 Percent show at Northeast Public Radio.
I’m not surprised that you would prefer to have a white baby. Isn’t that part of the whole thing, that you’d like to have a baby that looks like both of you?
Not being interested in adoption myself, I’m not exactly up on the ethics of trans-racial adoption but I’m pretty sure that it’s not a cut and dried thing. And I’m surprised that everyone’s mentioning it to you – maybe that’s an American thing *shrug*?
Oh good luck! I’m sure you’ll both be great moms. 🙂
My friend Hannah used to say “I’m special because Mommy and Pop had 3 babies already and then they bought ME!” Of course, she said this tongue-in-cheek growing up, but she was really happy about being adopted. Even had a good relationship with her birth-mother who’d given her up because she didn’t think she was ready and she was only 16.
I know a number of trans-racially adopted people and everyone has a different opinion. I’ve had people tell me it was the best thing that ever happened to them and others worry that their father is actually a racist. Or one who’s scared to tell her parents about her sexuality and worries they’ll think they made a mistake (not like they can unadopt her and abandon her, she’s over 21…but they could still disown her). She’s also trans-racial, so she feels like a complete sore thumb with all the differences.
Congratulations on moving forward with your family and good luck in the process.
The domestic adoption process is a mess. I was approaching it from the other side – I was raped and got pregnant. I decided to adopt my child instead of abort. Dealing with adoption agencies was one of the worst experiences of my entire pregnancy and I can’t describe how many times I ended up in tears from it. Going through hundreds of profiles that began to all look the same, reaching out to make an initial contact, only to be treated like an object – I don’t know that I’d ever go through the whole process again under any circumstances. Moreover, once I had picked a couple and “bonded” with them, I ended up losing my child only a few hours after birth and never heard from anyone involved in the process again. It was beyond isolating.
That was much more of a rant than I meant for it to be. My real suggestion is to consider this process from the perspective of the mother – it’s scary and nerve-wracking at an already trying time, and there’s a lot she has to go through. Feel free to contact me if you’re interested in more specific thoughts, and good luck.
Congratulations to you and Jeannine! I’m sorry the IVF route didn’t work for you guys. I know that process is difficult and abandoning it as a option was probably sad in its own way, but I am happy you guys still want to have a family.
Good luck with adopting. I’m sure you’ll find a beautiful child wherever you look.
FWIW, I’m Korean and there’s a lot Korean adoptees in the US. I’ve know quite a few. I think people in the US assume that race politics are always big deal because we’re frightened of it, but the bigger issue is process and efficiency. IIRC either Honduras or Guatemala had a moratorium at one point on foreign adoptions because it was going unchecked.
I think the adoption process for Asian and Eastern European babies has been streamlined and formalized so that it’s easier than adopting from other nations where the bureaucracy can be very fickle. My co-worker is half-Korean and adopting a Korean baby with his Filipino-American wife. I asked if they looked at the Philippines as an option and he said it takes 2-3 years whereas Korea takes about a year. Sometimes your deciding factor is who is going to give you an infant vs a toddler or if you want a girl or a boy. (China has/had a lot of girls up for adoption because of the “One Child” policy. You never see Chinese boy adoptees.)
I’m not sure where you are at on domestic or international adoption that actually wasn’t entirely clear, but it sounds like you are going with private domestic adoption yes?
Plonkee: Perhaps it is an American thing… but the question is typically asked.
Mrs Micah: Thanks! And you offer an interesting perspective… one that I hadn’t thought of.
calgirlfinance: Appreciate this!
Steph: Your story makes me sad to learn that there isn’t always happy ending to all of this. I’m so sorry to hear this…
Mapgirl: Thanks for the well wishes. We’re excited about this next step. Yes, we’re going with private domestic adoption… only because it seemed easier (less red-tape) and less expensive than international adoption (Russia for instance). We’ll keep you posted on our progress!