Go ‘œNo on 8’ ‘¦ to be more like ‘œYes on 8’
I think the privilege of being gay means not having to get married or join the army. – John Waters
I proposed marriage to a girl not long ago. In fact, I did more than propose; I begged for marriage. I was naked and full of cocktails, and, in retrospect, I think in that moment I finally came to an understanding of and full embodiment of the current and troubled state of the blessed union. I should really be more selective with my words in those vulnerable moments. Any state of being that includes the word ‘œlock’ in it is definitely not for me.
Now that I live in California again, my own personal right to engage in the ancient institution with someone of my same birth sex is on the line for continued legalization and acknowledgment by the state and (some, not all) church. I know that many gays and queers think legally binding and historically religious and ritualistic marriage is a beautiful thing and want it now. And that’s interesting.
A coworker of mine invited me the other day to volunteer phone bank for ‘œNo on Prop 8’ and I was momentarily excited about the opportunity. After all, equality is equality, regardless of personal preference. I personally never want to actually get married; I know it’s not for me (although I think Gloria Steinem might have once used that same ‘œnever’), but those who want it should have it. Right? And I should do what I can to help them. Right? I pictured myself sitting in a room with a bunch of other people on phones asking strangers for their hard-earned dollars to support us in the battle of equality for all. Then in the next moment I saw myself again begging people in San Francisco’s Mission District to please, please, please help bring a Wal-Mart to the corner of 18th and Valencia because, well, they have several in San Jose, so we should too. I didn’t end up doing any phone banking.
Marriage is as antiquated as cars and trucks are. Just because we haven’t thought of anything better doesn’t mean we should pump all of our gay dollars into them. Or does it? Should we take a day trip and go drive on the freeways in L.A. because some of the wealthiest, most entitled people in the world do it, so it must be the smartest, best way to get to be treated as their equals? Too loose of a metaphor? I think not. Marriage, as a statistic (cellular level of institution) in America, doesn’t actually work. In the introduction to the 2nd edition of an essay collection called That’s Revolting, Queer Strategies for Resisting Assimilation, editor, essayist, and Gay Shamer Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore writes,
‘œWillful participation in U.S. imperialism is crucial to the larger goal of assimilation, as the holy trinity of marriage, military service and adoption has become the central preoccupation of a gay movement centered more on obtaining straight privilege than challenging power.’
In this so-called ‘œTime of Change,’ is shoring up the institution of marriage with gays really a part of the solution? Brad Pitt gave $100,000 to the cause so that we can be more like him and Ang. That’s sweet. Really, it is. Have you donated your dollars or hours to the cause where you live? Would you? Why?
Oh, no — not more gays like Brangelina…
Thanks for the thoughtful post!
I totally agree.
Thoughtful, yes. I don’t really get the whole marriage thing either, but what about the equal rights? If 2 little old ladies who’ve been together for decades can’t have the same rights as a straight couple in the same situation (nursing home visits, tax deductions, inheritance, etc), just because some self-hating Mormon dunderheads say so, that just pisses me right off.
Thanks for your comments.
Thanks Mattilda for informing and challenging my thinking! That’s Revolting was a fantastic read.
Kristin, I’ll be voting No on Prop 8 but only because there’s no “eradicate marriage for everyone” option. I do feel like there are a lot of people who are interested in being married who also fought to bring me the personal freedoms that I enjoy today, like the late Del Martin and her partner for example; and I feel a sense of accountability to those people. I also feel like it is the time question those things which we have been told make us “free” and “equal” individuals. Someone posted this quote on a bicycle forum I’m a member of: “If American bicycle advocacy leaders had championed the civil rights movement, the “Dream” would have been reserved seating in the back of the bus.” –Jack R. Taylor
I’m curious whether you would have sided with Rosa Parks, or whether you would consider buses similar enough to cars and trucks that you’d have bowed out of that fight as well.
I don’t want the right to marry so I can be more like a bunch of Yes-on-8 homophobes. I want the right to marry so I can be more like my No-on-8 straight friends who know that marriage has enriched and protected their own families, and who feel that other relationships and families deserve those benefits too.
It’s tough for some of us who are tormented with the fact that we are gay. I never wanted this life. I want to be straight, and live a “normal†life. So, for me anything to be equal or feel a part of the hetero community is worth fighting for. As a little girl, I always dreamed of a beautiful wedding, hopefully my dream will come true.
I much prefer buses to cars and trucks but like subways and trains the most out of all ground transportation (aside from veg-fueled Jaguars). The Civil Rights quote was meant as a metaphor for a contemporary issue and NOT commentary on what happened in the 50s and 60s. Of course I would have sided with Rosa Parks, just like I’m going to side with the 8 opposition when I vote. This is a site about resources and the use of, however, and I really do think that investing more in marriage is investing less in change. That’s my personal opinion for investment of my own resources, specifically my time. I would like for everyone to fully have the life that they desire, so when it comes to voting, I will vote No on Proposition 8.
In addition, comparing the entire Civil Rights Movement to the fight for Gay Marriage is impossible. One was a fight for basic human rights for populations with limited material assets or access to them. The other is a fight for marriage for a population who enjoy free participation in capitalism, an incredibly wealthy contingent of whom rules over at least half of Hollywood (and in turn half of the American psyche) and has done very little with that power. With those resources, gay marriage could have been legal decades ago, and we could be talking about more interesting things.
I’m of a mind w/ you Aundi…I think. This huge emphasis a lot of gays have on acquiring the trappings of “normal” (read: hetero) life is, to me, disturbing and kind of sad.
On the flipside, the many, many rights and privs that are accorded once rings and “I do’s” are exchanged should either be available to everyone or to no one.
Brad and Angelina have vowed not to get married until everyone has the right- haven’t they?
either way, the important thing, I think, is that people have the right to choose. The feminist movement works to make it equally acceptable for a woman to have children as for her to choose not to.
We don’t engage in these political movements because they are what we want to do. We engage because we deserve the choice.
I don’t WANT to have an abortion, and I probably never will have one… but I am not going to use that as a reason to undermine roe-v-wade.
I agree, Aundi, and thanks. I’m behind in my feed reading, but this post is the one thing that’s made me feel better in light of Prop 8 actually passing.
The real tragedy of this vote is not that we don’t have the opportunity to participate in an antiquated and largely religious social construct; it’s that the majority of Americans doesn’t believe we should be allowed to have that privilege. And it’s about more than just marriage (i.e. “We don’t want you sullying our grand religious institution with your deviant ways”)–it’s about forbidding us any kind of comparable rights via civil unions.
And that carries over into our lives, into our perceptions of ourselves and our communities. Because when 60% of your country is telling you that you’re not all right, you’re not worthy, you’re actually downright evil . . . Well, it’s hard to keep believing otherwise.