Wear Clean UnderwearSometimes I think if I am confused and concerned by what little legal protections are available to me and my partner, I can only imagine how stressful it must be for LGBT couples with kids. Every time I hear a news story about this or that legal disaster that befalls a gay or lesbian couple who has kids it makes my head spin.

I recently received a copy of the book “Wear Clean Underwear” by Alexis Martin Neely. It is described as a “A Fast, Fun, Friendly – and Essential – Guide to Legal Planning for Busy Parents” and endorsed by a number of people I respect. While it is not specifically geared toward the LGBT family, in many of the examples the author does not assume parents are (or can be) married. And, you have to love her preface of terminology:

If you are in an unmarried relationship, either by choice or because the law does not allow your marriage, please know that I respect your circumstances, and substitute the word “partner,” “ex-spouse,” “life partner,” “baby-daddy,” “baby-mama,” or whatever other term you use, where appropriate.

Wow – validation in a mainstream book. That always makes my heart sing!

One concept I liked right off the bat was her re-framing of the notion of estate planning.

To me, “estate planning” is an old, outdated term that does not ap-ply to the kind of planning you are thinking about as a parent of young children. “Estate planning” suggests that you are planning merely for the passage of your assets (your estate) after you are gone.

But family wealth planning is about so much more than assets. Done right, family wealth planning prepares your children for a future without you, whether it is two weeks from now or fifty years from now. Family wealth planning requires you to decide pro actively how you want to leave the world, intentionally focusing on what you can do in the here and now so that you can not only pass on your financial wealth, but also your val-ues, insights, stories, and experiences, also known as your family wealth.

Hurray — a holistic view of the process! With this mindset it doesn’t have to be a morbid or infer some sort of inheritance greed or entitlement.

I am certainly no expert on the legal challenges parents face. I become aware of the major issues by reading. For instance, Nina talked about the legal rights of second parents and Dana at Mombian often tackles the legal angle of parenting most recently in her post on the medical and legal details of creating her family. Even with great content, the whole process still remains mind bending to me because I haven’t experienced it personally. That being said I totally get how challenging and important it is and how easily it can be for LGBT couples to put it off.

While I haven’t read the entire book, I did read some of the stories Alexis uses to illustrate legal challenges. I was instantly swept into my childhood mystery reads with her reader-directed questions and story line. For example:

Does Courtney call the police, or does she call someone else?

If your babysitter calls the police, turn to page 5. If your babysitter calls someone else, turn to page 9.

OMG! I loved it… I felt like I was reading those mystery novels as a kid where depending on what you choose along the way you get different stories and different endings. All nostalgia aside, it did make for interesting and engaging reading which can rarely be said about a book on legal issues, right?

I found myself just whipping through the pages. While the stories feel so tragic, they are in fact not all that uncommon. Every day someone, somewhere goes through situations just like these. People die unexpectedly, accidents happen, we all can never know when our last day is. That is why it is so important to be protected.

What is most refreshing about this book is that again it doesn’t limit itself only to the legal details. What about the relationships? Alexis addresses head on the question “Will your children remember you/your partner when you are gone?” This type of planning is rarely talked about in legal circles. Every now and then you’ll see a poignant story on Oprah of some mother dying of cancer who decided to record messages to her kids for all significant milestones. Other than that no one talks about it. We’re too busy or afraid to address these uncomfortable but oh so important topics. Reading this book will get you thinking twice about putting off the all important “softer” planning for the long term.

You can learn more about Alexis Martin Neely at her website and buy the book online.

Paula Gregorowicz, owner of The Paula G. Company, works with women who are ready to create their lives and businesses the way the want rather than how they were told they “should”. Ready to learn how to achieve success on your own terms? Download the free 12 part eCourse “How to Be Comfortable in Your Own Skin” at her website http://www.thepaulagcompany.com.