How do money and reward work together in your life?
We have a lovely friend who is staying with us this month. He was in the process of moving anyway and he had agreed to stay with our cats for 10 days while we are on vacation. Besides, he would have needed to borrow money for August rent at his new place. Buying food this month is enough of a challenge. He is a 38 year old artist and art instructor and won’t see another payday until mid-September. I’ve been helping him budget and generally discussing issues of money with him so you can imagine my surprise when he declared last night that while he is willing to save some money once it starts flowing again he ‘œdeserves a vacation and plans to take a long weekend for his birthday in September to get up to the Appalachian Trail (12 hour drive from here) and hike for 4 days.’
Now I am all for treating yourself well. No one wants to be so consumed with saving money that they never spend any for personal satisfaction. But what was really interesting to me is that the ‘œtreat’ was getting away for the vacation and that no amount of personal satisfaction was expected from saving money. That was just something that had to be done. I couldn’t help myself of course and gently pointed out to him that he would find an incredible amount of comfort in having even a small amount set aside for ‘œunexpected’ expenses like rent and food next semester. I suggested that perhaps a smaller treat like a massage might be acceptable in September and that the trip could be postponed a couple of months until he had some savings and there was a semester break. He was open to this and genuinely surprised to hear that some financial security could be liberating. I did not mention (though I wanted to) that if he had money set aside he could have spent some or all of the 6 weeks he wasn’t working or watching cats to hike the trail or anything else that pleased him.
Another friend of mine in similar financial straits recently sold a large piece of equipment that she owned for a few thousand dollars. With encouragement from her partner, she promptly went out and bought a brand new, electronic piano complete with extended warranty. Of course she deserved it because she’d been working hard and struggling financially. Since the purchase was made, there was nothing to be said so I simply admired the lovely instrument. She is currently in the process of moving into her parent’s home to get back on her feet financially.
The ‘œI need to treat myself because I deserve it’ statement is very pervasive, ingrained and difficult to counter. Who doesn’t feel like they work hard and deserve some reward? Our culture certainly reinforces that notion suggesting trips, new cars, clothing, etc as means of reward. What about the reward of providing for yourself financially? I think Nina and I must have been on the same wavelength today. Her question about money and spirituality ties in very well with this notion. Both of my friends are very spiritual and I wonder if they don’t have unconscious struggles with the relationship between spiritual growth and financial stability.
How do you treat yourself? Has there been a shift in your definition of a ‘œtreat’? Do you encounter this sentiment amongst your friends? I’d love to hear your suggestions and strategies for helping friends find balance.
I’ll admit, I do this – I try not to make my “treats” too expensive, though. I usually buy myself a coffee shop drink – hot chocolate or a mocha – after taking exams (a couple times a month at most). That’s a huge treat because I never let myself do that unless I’ve taken a test, or had a really awful day. Clothes are another “treat” purchase for me – I rarely buy any clothes for myself, so when I go to Payless and pick up a cute pair of shoes that are totally impractical and only go with one outfit, it’s a special treat. It isn’t that expensive, and since I reserve those little luxuries for treat occasions, they feel special.
I’m with Laura. I like to “treat” myself, but a “treat” is a Starbucks instead of home brewed coffee, or going out to the movies once in a while instead of watching a DVD at home. But we’ve been to the movies once this summer. So it really isn’t an extravagant life here in Tucson.
I do know people like the friends you mentioned – as soon as they get money they have to go out and spend it. Then they wonder why they never have money for big things like a nice trip abroad or a new car, let alone car repairs when their junker breaks down. I think self esteem may have something to do with it, not just spirituality. If a person doesn’t feel like they deserve stability, then they’re not going to actively pursue it.
For me, I love a vanilla milkshake with caramel from Steak N Shake.
I’ve also often seen the disconnect many people have between a healthy emergency fund and being relaxed. A co-worker of mine likes to complain to me how stressed out he is about his lack of funds, usually after he’s told me about buying a new phone or laptop. I point out the connection, but he’s too self-indulgent to change his behavior.