Gay Couples Talk Money: Better Than Sex Talk
“Money isn’t a romantic subject.” — Sheryl Garrett
The experts all agree that financial problems are often cited as a major cause of divorce. Money does matter in a long-term relationship. I remember initiating the serious “money” conversation with Jeanine just after a few months of dating.
At this point, I was falling for her and wanted to make sure that we saw eye-to-eye on finances. The most important thing for me was that she didn’t have a lot of credit card debt. Abusing your credit card is one of the deadly sins in my book and indicative of a host of other financial issues. This might sound shallow but I didn’t want to be burdened by someone’s past mistakes. My practical side often overwhelms my romantic side… but at least Jeanine knew right from the get-go what she was getting herself into.
Back then I was on the prowl for a long-term partner, so I was very matter-of-fact about what I was looking for in a mate. With regards to finances, it was never about how much money they made… my dating ran the gamut of professions and income. Their paycheck was never really a concern. I didn’t care if she was a yoga instructor making 25 bucks a class or a movie studio VP making $275,000 a year. What matter was how she spent her money.
I once heard about a simple formula that illustrates this point of money management:
– Earn $100 and spend $101 and you are in trouble.
– Earn $100 and spend $99 and you are not in trouble.
– That $2 makes a world of difference.
If they had a lot of credit card debt then they must be living beyond their means and I didn’t want to be any part of this balance sheet. It was really, really important to me that we shared a similar view on this financial fundamental. If she spent more money than she earned… well, then there wasn’t any amount of good looks or good intentions that could outweigh this flaw. So I asked the question… long before I ever said I love you.
Scott Reeves at Forbes wrote an article about money and marriage called, Talk about Money. He writes, “For many young couples, talking about money is more difficult than discussing sex. Little surprise, given that experts say financial problems–not bedroom gymnastics–are the major cause of divorce.”
“Many young couples are so busy being romantic that they forget to talk about anything practical like personal finance,” says Sheryl Garrett, a certified financial planner and author of Getting Married. “Money isn’t a romantic subject, but marriage should be seen as entering into a financial as well as a romantic partnership.” The article then lists seven financial considerations that will keep your pillow talk sweet. Who can resist a teaser like this?
Anyway, Jeanine’s consumer debt was minimal and she eliminated it before we moved in together. To this day, she hasn’t carried a credit card balance. The things we do for love…
i agree – money and love, when they come together, is a fascinating subject. In most states, the fact gay couples can’t legally marry means that, if you are in a mature, democratic relationship, perhaps both of you will care enough about yourself and your partner to go the extra mile and draw up the legal protections you need.
You see, there is one more word that people are even MORE ‘hush hush’ about, that is not being ‘outed’ here! This word underlies a dynamic that strongly influences the ways money and love are played out in relationships: power.
In a relationship where one has more power than the other (because of income, age, intelligence, scruples, personality, experience, whatever), being unable to marry means the one with less decision-making power can really lose out.
Keeping finances separate may actually work well for many couples, if BOTH partners are ok with it and they work out a somewhat ‘equitable’ arrangement around paying bills…unless the one getting taken advantage of doesn’t ‘get’ the vulnerability of their position.
Perhaps because I am a woman and, perhaps because I’ve learned the hard way about power and money in relationships, the equality thing is really something I look at when working with clients. Ultimately, it’s up to each individual to ensure he or she takes care of him or herself. The problem is that many are passive and magically think someone else will.
At least when you’re married, there is some way to recoup financially what you contributed to a relationship.
And, again, if both partners are dealing fairly with each other, they’ll work together to come up with savvy ways of handling both of their finances in ways that will benefit both of them, in the short and long run.
For example, the way the laws are set up today, even when a gay (married or unmarried) couple wants to legally combine their assets, they may have to get more creative about how to do so and they really need financial experts who are specialists in this area to help them figure out what will work best, as each couple’s situation is very unique.
While I’m not a financial professional (i know – or is it hope? – that ‘queercents’ will chime in here!), I’ve heard that, if two same sex partners can really trust one another and work together, there are ways to plan around some of these legal inequities. Some of these ways might include purposefully keeping certain assets separate, while using other documents (such as trusts) to legally state one’s wishes for leaving the asset to the other partner.
For example, say one partner has DP benefits at work and puts their partner on their health insurance as his/her dependent. DP’s don’t carry the same tax benefits straight married couples do. The partner of the subscriber must claim this benefit on his or her’s income taxes! Married couples would never stand for this sort of treatment! Is there anyway around this problem? I don’t know if there is (help me here too, QC!)
The funny thing about the fundamentalists in this country who are fighting so hard to deny me equal treatment, is that they know deep down that ‘love is love’ and they also know what helps love thrive: building a life together. And sharing finances really helps symbolize and validate that togetherness. They know denying us these rights puts extra stress on our relationships. They don’t want the ugly secret to get out that our love IS just as deep, strong and beautiful as theirs is.
Then there is Dolly Parton who loves to say “Gay marriage? Why not? I say give gays the same right to be unhappy I have!?!”
The subject of money comes up often during my programs for singles and couples. I teach clients to get very clear about who they are, what they want and how to balance their heads and hearts when it comes to selecting a partner, on ALL levels, including finances.
What does this mean? It means ‘testing’ the relationship, BEFORE you commit (in your heart and/or legally). Testing helps us get a ‘real world’ sense of how our partner handles money, and how we handle money as a couple.
Ideally, you already know where you stand on the issue and what your requirements, needs and wants are. Where coaching can be so helpful is in supporting an individual for staying true to his/her requirements and needs. This is where most struggle.
Each of us needs to be sure we can honestly ‘live with’ our partner’s style, or, confront them and see how open they are to discussing any issues that come up for you or them. DO it BEFORE you commit.
What I find so many do is figure they can change the other person. However, a reality check is in order here: most of the time you don’t change a person’s money attitudes and behaviors. Only the person with the attitudes and behaviors can change.
I also find that alot of women, most likely due to gender-based socialization, have learned not to be concerned enough about money. Afterall, historically (until quite recently) women were treated like children. This leads to a sense of helplessness, dependence as well as a lack of understanding and responsibility.
That’s why the rate of poverty amongst elderly women is so high. The husband handled the money and/or the wife was not in the workplace to make her own money. Often, she worked hard in the home without monetary recognition. How many of us know of older women in our families whose first time learning how to balance a checkbook didn’t happen until she was widowed or divorced? And, how many don’t know how to access a couple’s bank accounts?
So what’s the moral of this post? If you are involved with or dating someone whose beliefs and practices regarding money seem very different from yours, AND IT BOTHERS YOU, that’s a serious red flag to sit up and take notice about, even if you are madly in love or lust right now. That’s because those initial, hormonal ‘highs’ level out, but after we legally entangle our finances with another person, we become equally responsible for whatever transpires for a long time to come!
I wouldn’t mind discussing the debt issue. I would feel strange, though, fielding questions about my income or savings. As a woman with a relatively good paying job, I have had the experience of having someone try to use me as a “sugar momma.” I would not make a decision about dating someone based on her income, but I would be wary of someone I’d only been dating a month of so inquiring into my income and savings.
Does that make me paranoid? Or just realistic? Where do other people draw the line?