It’s a strange coincidence that I had to serve jury duty on Valentine’s Day. As I was sitting through the jury selection process, listening to people try to weasel their way out of their civic duty, I kept having this nagging annoyance of unspecified origin. I had never served on a jury before, and I was sort of excited to participate in the process despite the bad timing for me to be away from work. But something was upsetting me, and I couldn’t figure out what until the eighth or ninth potential juror gave background information about her spouse and children.

FlagIt became apparent that I was the only partnered gay person in the jury pool. I’m in a courtroom, looking at the American flag, a judge, a court reporter, attorneys, a defendant, the whole justice system in process, and I’m the only person in the room who cannot legally marry my partner because of our federal laws.

Although we haven’t made a formal commitment yet, Zac and I consider each other as family. The time for a ceremony will come at some point after Zac finishes graduate school, and when we figure out where we will call home. The reality before us is that we can’t settle down wherever we please. We are both working very hard to make a good life for each other, and thus we want our union to be met with the same legal privileges, protections and benefits extended to heterosexual couples.

It’s not a matter of “we want what they have.” It’s a matter of dignity.

As a good citizen, I showed up for jury duty, and as it turns out, I will be a juror for a trial. However, I’m doing my civic duty for this country even though my country treats my relationship with Zac as separate and unequal to heterosexual relationships.

Zac dedicates much of his time to his work. He could easily be doing something else with his life and enjoying his youth instead of enduring a grueling Ph.D. program at Berkeley. However, he’s an incredibly smart and talented man, and he’s putting everything he has right now into what will be a rewarding career in the future.

I, on the other hand, work so much to save money for my dream of owning a business that when I left the jury assembly room to enjoy my free day from the office, I had no idea what to do because I hardly have any spare time anymore.

All that Zac and I work for, and all that we share as we build a life together, means nothing really in the eyes of the law because we are not a union of one man and one woman. If something were to happen to either one of us, we would be denied hospital visitation rights or family leave from work. When the time comes to deal with the issue of inheritance, we’d find that one of us would have to pay significant estate taxes, unlike married couples. There would also be up to 70% taxes and penalties on inherited retirement savings. We wouldn’t even be entitled to Social Security or pension plan benefits.

If my tone sounds a bit angry, it’s because I am. I cannot comprehend how LGBT couples are denied the right to marry when Section 1 of the 14th Amendment of our Constitution expressly states:

All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the state wherein they reside. No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

We don’t want to be restricted to the few states that allow civil unions, or to head to Massachusetts by default because that’s where we can get married. When Zac finishes school, he’ll get job offers that could end up relocating us anywhere. It’s not fair that Zac would have to turn down an amazing job just because we couldn’t have same-sex union protections in that state.

It’s not fair that we can’t even settle down near our respective families because as of now, New York and Michigan have no same-sex union protections.

Civil unions and Massachusetts may be the best we have right now, but how are they not separate and unequal? Zac and I can only move to a handful of states in this country, and this is what we call freedom! This is “equal protection of the laws”?

It was a beautiful Valentine’s Day that Zac and I had together nonetheless. I looked at him from across the dinner table and felt like the richest and happiest man in the world. In no way could I understand how our love could not be worthy of the title of marriage. I’d give up my life to protect this man from harm. Married people can make sure all they have worked for provides for the one they leave behind. With our federal laws, I can’t easily do that for Zac, nor can most LGBT couples. This is the truth I have to swallow and leave out of mind when I go back to serve on jury duty. I get to deliver justice to others when there’s none for me.