Queercents Family Values: What Will You Teach Your Child About Money?
What are your values? How about your financial values? Are they queer? Or just, you know, sensible?
I’ve been thinking a lot, during these sleepless nights of new parenthood, about all the values I want to transmit to my daughter. I know she’ll eventually forge her own’”hopefully not in diametrical opposition to mine!’”but I hope I’ll at least give her a solid foundation on which to build her own ideological home. (I’m also in the process of moving, so forgive all the house metaphors.)
As I jotted down some of my financial values, it occurred to me that many of these are informed by my experiences, identity, and ethics as a queer person. Others seem more universal. So here’s my highly opinionated, completely non-objective, utterly personal list of Fink Family Financial Values. What about your financial values? Are they ‘˜queered’ in some way by your experiences or values as an LGBTQ person?
1) Create and maintain financial independence.
Sweetie, here’s the scoop: don’t rely on a partner, a parent (ahem), or any other external source. Don’t debt. ‘œCompound interest is the most powerful force in the universe,’ said Albert Einstein. Indeedy.
It’s difficult to maintain self-determination if you are dependent, in debt, or in denial about your finances. As a queer woman, I think it’s especially important to model independence and self-determination for my daughter. I see women’”queer and straight’”so often victimized by their learned helplessness and economic dependence. As a queer, however, I do feel like I’ve got a bit of critical distance from those tired old gender roles that create such profound inequality, and ultimately harm people of all genders.
Financial independence, I will tell my daughter, is different from wealth. I want my daughter to pursue her passions, regardless of whether or not they lead to the big bucks. Of course some professions pay much better than others, but with planning, one can maintain financial independence regardless of one’s income. I’ve known solvent, happy, financially independent performance artists, and investment bankers who are well into their second bankruptcy, third foreclosure, and fourth round of camping on their parents’ couch.
2) Money is a tool for social change. So use it to change the world, one carefully spent buck at a time.
In our capitalistic society, we do indeed vote with our dollars. So I try to support only those companies whose ethics align with mine. Fair wages, non-discrimination policies, and concern for their environmental impact top my list. I’m sure yours is slightly different, and I’ll bet my daughter’s will be, too. I neither expect nor want my kid to have the exact same ethics and politics as I do; that would make for boring dinner conversations. I do hope that she understands that her money is a powerful force, and that she should try to use it in a mindful, positive fashion. Again, I think being queer has something to do with my attitudes about this; I started by scrutinizing corporate policies regarding LGBTQ folks (is anyone out there old enough to remember the Coors boycott?), and this led me to look at other issues, and to use my bucks as a consumer for what I perceive as the common good.
3) Money is silly.
No, that’s not a typo; I am writing’”on a personal finance blog, no less’”that money is silly. Think about it: coins of metal, little pieces of green paper, plastic cards: that’s all it is!
When I was a kid, I used to play with my dad’s poker pennies, giving each penny a name, job, and tragic story. Romances between older and younger coins were all too common. Coins seemed so magical, talismanic, mysterious. What the hell is money, anyway? It stands in for all of our ideas about value, exchange, and power. Money is the ultimate metaphor, a true abstraction.
And yet, as those of us who have ever skipped a mortgage payment know, it’s also really’¦.real. It has this odd force precisely because its value is representational. A dollar is worth something not because the paper it’s printed on is actually worth a dollar, but because of its exchange value, its ability to purchase a dollar’s worth of whatever.
As a writer, I love the force of metaphor, the power of abstraction to create meaning and value. As a queer, I bring a camp, playful sensibility to the whole enterprise. I hope my daughter not only understands the grave importance of fiscal responsibility, but the playful, absurd, and wonderfully human quality of money. And I have a sack of coins from all around the world for her to play with.
Okay, so that’s my list. What’s yours?
It falls under the realm of number 1- but definately: Living well within your means. Credit is easy now- who is to say what it will be in 12 years when my oldest is in college? I do not want my kids to end up owing their soul to the company store. My kidlets already have real insight when it comes to saving up for the big picture. We talk openly about what we want to save up for and how littler things add up, making bigger goodies less feasible. Case in point- we don’t go to the mall often (maybe 3 or 4 times a year TOTAL), but they see Build A Bear and some of the the kid boutiques and want to SPEND. We put it on the table- they could go get another stuffie similar to many they already have (and don’t play with all that much) -OR- we can save up our money for monthly trips to the amusement park from May thru September. Suffice it to say, we have never built a bear, thru their collective group think on what has more value.
And- they have seen that a family can live on one income. Not many see that these days. Although technically we live just below what our chamber of commerce calls “poverty”, we are rich beyond words. My partner was working with our church secretary and was stunned to discover that we qualify for Christmas Bureau giveaways, since we are a family of 6 on my income (under $54K). We won’t next year (I got a raise), but we are definately teaching our kids to be giving rather than taking. We are not “poverty stricken” as we have resources; the biggest being time to spend frugally and live thoughtfully. Another big lesson for the kids.
Thanks for your insightful comments, DivaJean. It sounds like you’ve given your kids terrific values! Your post got me thinking about another issue: independence vs. interdependence. I really do believe in teaching kids (especially girls) to be financially independent, yet I absolutely think that at the right time in one’s life and realtionships, financial interdependence of the sort you describe (and I’m about to embark upon–my partner is going to take a break from her law career for a bit so that she can care for our daughter while I work) is totally valid and, in fact, empowering to a family. So, how do you teach the difference? Or do you just model it?? (I’m new at this whole parenting thing, and grateful for your insights, readers!)
I think we teach a hybrid of independance and interdependance. We show them that its important to have friends and family you can turn to, but on some level, the responsibility for each person is themselves. To illustrate this, I will point out how we clothe our kids. We have a network of friends and family with kids of various ages and genders. Clothing gets passed kid to kid as sizes are grown out of. The rule is: no selling clothes. If we find a size/gender combo that no one is needing currently, the closest one down size from the clothing (if its size 6 and the kid is size 3 for example), that family can opt to store the clothes until they fit, or donate them, knowing some other clothes might come around. Although we have this system, ultimately its my responsibility as a parent to make sure my kids have clothes that fit and are presentable. If nothing comes my way to fit my 2 1/2 year old daughter, she doesn’t go without and I don’t go begging. Independance as a family puts us to where we step up and buy some clothes. Does that explain it?
Yes!! I love what you say about teaching a hybrid of in- and interdependence.
The clothes swap idea is brilliant. Thanks!
Jennifer: There are many things that I wish my parents taught me about money but didn’t. For starters, I wish they had been able to show me that striking a balance between saving and spending is the best way to live comfortably within one’s means. Their inability to achieve this for themselves resulted in a lot of tension in the house when I was growing up. I learned, albeit indirectly, how important it is to have a similar money philosophy in our relationships. I plan to teach this to our child via positive example.
I also wish I had been given more direction about “work” during high school. Since work equates to money, more emphasis should be put on pursuing coursework and a career that utilizes one’s natural abilities and interests. I wasn’t given any direction in this area. I fumbled through college and got a business degree because I really didn’t know what I wanted to do.
“It’s hard for your kids to decide what they want to do in life if they know nothing of the world beyond the mall.” I hope to encourage our child to start a business in high school or intern in a profession that provides an opportunity for self-discovery rather than work at The Gap for spending money.