Queerfriends and New Babies: Five Ways Childless Queers Can Help New Parents
Several of my friends just became new parents. They’re overjoyed and overwhelmed’¦ especially by the costs! Here are some ways that you can help a friend who has either adopted or given birth to adjust and cope.
I’m directing these tips to queers WITHOUT kids, as it can be confusing to figure out how to help your friends with kids (I found it so, at least), and how to maintain your friendship in this transitional time.
Some of these suggestions are inexpensive (or free); some involve biggish bucks, but all can be modified to fit your budget and taste.
1) Give a new baby a gift of diapers in the correct size, bottles and formula (if they’re not nursing), or another necessity as specified by the parent. No, they’re not as cute as onesies, but it’s the every day necessities’”diapers, bottles, and formula’”that really run up the bills. The big-ticket items such as strollers are easy to find used, but that’s obviously not possible for diapers! Find out what brand/size your new parent friend uses, and buy whatever amount you can afford. You’ll be shocked to see what $100 worth of diapers looks like! Then, put a bow on it or make some cute wrapping, and voila’”a terrific gift that shows that you understand the not-so-glam needs of new parents.
2) Offer to take the baby for whatever amount of time you can spare weekly. This is only going to work if you have some experience tending new babies. But the gift of TIME is one of the greatest gifts you can possibly give. Even the most devoted new parents need a break, and also need adult companionship. Even if you don’t feel comfortable actually taking care of the baby, you can make time every week to hang out with your friend and the new kid on the block. It’s easy to loose contact with your childless friends when you have a new baby; make it clear to your friend that you won’t disappear by making time, weekly, to be with your old pal and new baby. No, you probably won’t get much time alone with your friend at first, but you can show that you’re still committed to the friendship by involving yourself in the parent & child’s world.
3) Buy the fanciest take-out dinner you can afford, and bring it to your friend (and partner, if there’s one in the picture), along with flowers and dessert, and perhaps a favorite video. Don’t expect your friend to be able to join you for meals at restaurants for a while; instead, treat him or her to a lavish take-out meal. Restaurants and movies are the first casualties of parenthood; by bringing a takeout extravaganza to the parent, you’re showing that you understand that.
4) Plan an outing to the nearest park. Buy a picnic basket and fill it with your friend’s favorite foods. Warning: this little outing may last only a short time; babies often get cranky, bored, or anxious in a new environment. Be flexible! But plan an event that makes it easy for your friend and the baby to get out of the house.
5) Find out what baby-oriented, queer or queer-friendly activities are going on in your community, and offer to pay for/accompany your friend & baby to one. Here are some possibilities: Baby Loves Disco, Music Together, Center Kids, LGBT Family Days. Buy your friend a subscription to Gay Parent Magazine, and look for events that not only appeal to lgbt families, but that you find fun, too!
Don’t pressure your friend to spend time with you alone, doing ‘˜adult’ things, at first. It’s just not realistic; your friend’s focus is likely to be on the new baby and its amazingly endless neeeds. Instead, offer to participate in (and help pay for, if you can) family-friendly activities. Just hanging out with your friend and his or her new baby will help you feel like you’ve gained a new buddy, rather than lost an old pal.
What other tips’”from both queers with kids and those who are friends of queers with kids’”do you have?
I am the least experienced of pretty much all my friends when it comes to baby care, so I feel sort of awkward offering to to anything childcare related. But many of my firneds with kids also have pets, and I offer to take care of their animals for a little while–walk the dog, change the litter boxes, just come over to play or give the animals attention–because those things take time new parents don’t really have, and it helps ease the transition into babydom for everyone who lives in the home.
I know, I’m one of those bleeding heart animal lovers.
These are great tips!
For the childcare suggestion, I would wait until the baby is at least a month old. And understand that a lot of new parents are paranoid about leaving their babies with ANYONE during the first few months.
Having said that, from about 2 weeks to 2-3 months, the greatest give anyone can offer a new parent is the opportunity to get some sleep. Especially if you are a night owl, offer to come over and care for the baby for 3 or 4 hours so the parents can get a good nap. (And if they’re bottle feeding and you can handle it, offer for the whole night.)
Feminist Finance: that’s a _great_ suggestion. Pets often feel neglected when there’s a new baby in the mix, and would surely appreciate the attention!
Liza, that’s very true–I certainly wouldn’t have left my daughter with anyone until after a few months, but it would have helped just to have someone around when I needed to take a shower! The night owl suggestion is great!!!
I also wanted to add that, in lieu of a takeout meal, a home-cooked meal would be an awesome way to help a new parent, too!
Jennifer, I agree about the home cooked meal. You can prep it ahead of time at your house, then offer to watch the little ones while mom/dad takes a shower/whatever. By the time they’re done, dinner can be ready to come out of the oven/off the stove.
A couple weeks ago, my best friend came over with her two kids. We ordered pizza and watched Ratatouille. The kids had fun, mom got a chance to veg for a few hours because I was happy to let the rugrats run around the house. And then they went home. (That was my favorite part, BTW. I can only handle small people in little doses.)
Serena-
Pizza and a kid-friendly movie are an awesome (and relatively cheap & easy) combo!
Even if you’re not a ‘kid person’, whatever time you can spend with your friend and her kids will be appreciated. Thanks for sharing!
OMG! Thank you for this post. I’m a new mommy and I can’t believe how many things we’ve been given; and yet I have the audacity to wish that such and such item had been diapers or formula instead! I feel awful, but how many burp clothes and bibs does one need? We literally got two small packages of diapers total from the 40+ people who gifted us. Still, I do appreciate what we were given, and with certain big-box store’s return policies I have taken a lot of it (sans receipt) back.
Here’s something that I felt really boosted my feeling of humanity (since I was feeling like a total cow): take all the instruments that you’ll need for a basic pedicure over to the new mom’s and spend some time pampering her feet. Encourage her to relax and then take care of the baby while she’s letting her nails dry. It’s a very small, very inexpensive gesture that can go a long way towards making mom feel human again!