Review: How to Profit from the Coming Rapture
The Rapture is coming, the Rapture is coming! Oy!
This Christmas, I’ve found the perfect book for my family’s white elephant gift exchange. It’s called: How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘¦ a snarky, how-to manual about where and when to invest when the world comes to an end. Of course, I’m the only one in my Christ-like clan that will need this advice since the gays are guaranteed (along with the Jews!) to be left behind.
Speaking of Jews, Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman, authors of the bestselling Yiddish with Dick and Jane, put this little investment gem together (may I call it a bible?). If you grew up in a church that thrived on ‘œend times’ storytelling, now is the time to finally profit from all those Sunday night altar calls. If you need me to explain what an ‘œaltar call’ is, then you might not fully appreciate this book’s humor. And it is classified as humor’¦ at least according to the Library of Congress Cataloging system. My family is not laughing, but they are praying for me. Why?
Because the Rapture is indeed coming! And this means only one thing to me: investment opportunities! Weiner and Davilman are here to teach us:
‘¦ how to exploit the inevitable demise of the world in order to make a tidy profit. Sure, the rivers and seas will run with blood, locusts will swarm, mountains will move all over the place, and famine will strike. But for the five billion of us left behind, the post-Rapture world will be a time of even more unique investment opportunities.
And teach they do. But first, take the test to find out if you’re ready for the Rapture? It’s a short questionnaire that quickly weeds out the Armageddon lightweights: ‘œI’m thinking of a number between 665 and 667. What is it?’
But don’t take my word for it. I leave you with a better review of the book than I could possibly write:
A hilarious, light read marked with a snarky matter-of-fact attitude, ‘œHow to Profit from the Coming Rapture’ dances carefree on the line of offensive. Throughout, our doomsday experts are either feigning seriousness and dread over what the book of Revelations foretells by remarking unabashedly how distressing, terrible, etc. it will be, or reminding us that, regardless of how ridiculous the prophecies (horses with lions’ heads and snakes’ tales, stars made of wormwood falling to the planet and one third of vaguely everything being destroyed) may sound, they must be true because they’re all actually in the Bible ‘” and cited. So it’s not really blasphemous, just caustically mocking.
Feel free to laugh all the way to the bank. Of course, you’ll need the Mark of the Beast to open an account. But don’t fret; the book has all these important steps covered. Go forth and profit!
Giveaway Alert: I have two copies to giveaway. Tell me why you’re going to be Left Behind and I’ll select the best two comments and mail out the book. By the way, you get bonus points for naming the Anti-Christ. Hint: Madonna is not the Anti-Christ, at least not here at this fine blog!
Image credit: How to Profit from the Coming Rapture.
Ha ha! This sounds like the perfect antidote to all the talk of the Big 3 going under. Too bad no one else in my family would find it humorous.
Just for fun though, I’ll tell you why I’m getting left behind. All the cool people are going to hell, so count me in!
I am not being left behind for being queer or trans or any of that. I shall be left behind because I am hopelessly addicted to gossip.
Who is the anti-Christ? I can’t identify him by name, but he is certainly the one behind the wide use of ‘evidence’ as a verb, when the perfectly charming and non-gerundive ‘evince’ is still available.
Why do I expect to be Left Behind?
1. I’m a sound sleeper and I wear headphones a lot. Even the sound of Trumpets isn’t going to get through to me.
2. I’m one of those people who takes *forever* deciding what to wear and I don’t think they will wait for me to try on different outfits.
3. Although I’ve gotten The Invitation, I never RSVPed.
4. Does anyone really believe I’m going to miss the next episode of *any* of my favorite shows? (I don’t think TIVO works Up There.)
5. Too many people who consider themselves to be in positions to know such things have told me that I won’t be seeing those Streets Paved With Gold.
6. I hate to fly. No exceptions.
Who is the Anti-Christ?
I’m not sure, but a certain Focus on the Family founder J—s D—-n sems to know so much about the Anti-Christ that I’m starting to think he might be a sleeper for the Infernal One. I’d love to see how many little 6’s he has on his head. Am I onto something or is this just my conspiracy paranoia? Only time will tell….
Half of my family is very conservative Lutherans (of the Wisconsin Synod, where they don’t even dance! women of course cannot be pastors, as well). The other half is cynical Jews. We’ll love this book.
But yeah, we’re all going to hell. My Lutheran cousins have been telling me that since I was about 5, as they (then 4 and 6) cried and prayed for my soul.
When I came out as gay and then trans? whew. Haven’t seen those folks around in a while, though my mother did get another email from them talking about how they would pray for me. We haven’t told them yet about my sister’s girlfriend…
I will be left behind because I am too busy being a good person to get too worried about what my neighbors are doing. Also, I once played a drinking game to a Focus on the Family radio program.
The Anti Christ is David Hasselhoff. Trite, perhaps, but true. There’s no other way to describe that extreme lack of talent.
Hmmm, I’m going to hell because I’ve shaved, eaten shellfish, lain with another’s concubine, used toothpaste, etc. etc.
I’m going to be left behind because I’ll be too busy setting tables at the soup kitchen to notice the Rapture. (Stark signs of the economy: until this fall, we set places for about 70 people each week. In October we started setting up for 80, and in November we started setting up for 90.)
Oh yeah, I’m also going to be left behind because I go to the wrong kind of church. You know, the kind that emphasizes volunteering at the soup kitchen or with the developmentally disabled and that congratulated my partner and me on our engagement, rather than the kind that pickets Planned Parenthood and tells people to donate to Prop 8.
Jane and S: Nice work! You’re both definitely getting left behind so this money-making manual will soon be on its way. Send me an email with your mailing address and hopefully, the good book will arrive before the trumpets sound.
Of course, the rest of you made me laugh (e.g. drinking games played to Focus on the Family broadcasts, David Hasselhoff, and “We haven’t told them yet about my sister’s girlfriend”) so thanks for playing! Perhaps we should organize a MeetUp after the Rapture takes place… Serena, you’re in charge… invite more cool people!
I WILL be left behind because I am mean as a snake – remember that reptile, the apple, Adam & Steve – that was me in anther life! As for any references to the Anti-Christ, that usage is so 5 minutes ago! That particular phrase is now to be used soley in reference to GW, Cheney or Rove. Hiss!
Oh! I used to be so worried about being left behind! I remember watching a video at the church Family Camp about the rapture called “A Thief in the Night“, and the torment of those suddenly alone in the world.
I will most certainly be left behind because:
– I was glad when Amy Grant sang “Baby, Baby”, and realised she wasn’t singing about Jesus.
– When our Youth Counsellor at said Family Camp told us we should destroy our Garth Brooks cassette tapes because he supported gay rights, I wished I actually listened to Garth Brooks so I could actively NOT burn it at that evening’s campfire.
– I had a secret crush on the pastor’s son, John. He was incredibly hot.
– After forswearing Madonna throughout the late 80s and early 90s in favour of CCM (Contemporary Christian Music), I longed to listen to my first-ever cassette tape of “Like a Virgin”. I then
lostgave my virginity to a man.Ah, the End Times. Didn’t I read in the Economist that we’re in the midst of them right now?
Bradley: I remember that video! Did we go to church camp together? That one was very popular and making the rounds back in the early eighties. I’m surprised Kirk Cameron hasn’t done the remake!
Don’t wait for a Rapture to scoop up investment opportunities. There won’t be one.