Sharing Love and Money
I have read recently of couple’s who will keep a little side money or separate account. I realize that this may work for some people, however, I find it would complicate already sensitive money issues.
Perhaps I come from an old school of thought that once two people join together then their independence is gone, that would include money as well. My parents have been married to each other for almost 40 years, And they have had everything joint, If any disagreements over money came up they talked it over.
I have taken this guidance for myself and have a joint account with Surfgirl, never even considering a separate account. If there is a present we need to buy we take it out of the joint account. And around birthdays and Christmas, you just don’t ask questions accept to set up a budget on what you are buying each other.
Since Surfgirl has more hobbies than I do, we are conscience about how much money goes to each one, usually it is pretty small since she is at a stage where she just maintains her hobbies and the expenses are manageable. If we don’t have the money for it, she holds off until we do or she asks for what she needs for birthday or Christmas.
I don’t believe there is one way perfect way to do it. It all comes down to two things, trust and give/take. I guess in my mind having separate accounts means there is some aspect of trust that is missing. And if you have a healthy relationship of give and take, having a joint account or not shouldn’t be an issue.
Recently I was reading a good article from Michelle Singletary in the Boston Globe about this same thing:
Leave the romance out of finances.
“I often find that some couples go to great lengths to complicate their financial lives in the name of romance…..It’s not true that a marriage has got to always be a 50/50 partnership. The less money one spouse spends means more money left in the family till — and that benefits everyone.”
We use a combination. All paychecks go into a joint account. It doesn’t matter who makes more money. All household expenses and other spending comes out of this account. We also maintain a savings account together for emergencies and big purchases.
But we still maintain separate checking accounts that we very rarely use, and we consider retirement accounts separate money. We also each still have a small amount of personal savings from before the time when we combined everything.
I just read (and reviewed) the book *Money without matrimony*, and the authors advocate keeping finances at least partially separate in unmarried relationships.
I’m with you, though. For me, sharing our finances and making decisions together is an important part of being committed.
I think the joint/separate issue really comes down to what works best for you. As I mentioned in our recent interview on Queercents, we tend to keep almost everything separate. YET, each month we talk about what is going on and who is contributing to what in terms of joint expenses. The key realization for us years ago is that it is not a 50/50 proposition, especially if one person earns more than the other. Proportional is the key. If earnings are say 70/30, then expenses get split 70/30 so that each partner still has proportionally the same amount to save or spend as they see fit. Big stuff like vacations are discussed and handled in a part joint/part separate manner.
While I can’t say our system is perfect…we still have our disagreements, points of contention, and challenges individually and collectively (hell, money is more than dollars and cents, there are beliefs, emotion, power, and other baggage that goes along with the almighty buck) — we’re both much more conscious, meticulous, and better off than ever before.
And, who knows, maybe it is that two only children dynamic that makes us both want to keep our accounts as “mine” 🙂