Should we have another child? A decision influenced by economics and other factors.
For various reasons (just one being economic), Jeanine and I have been talking lately about whether we will have a second child. I think the decision to add to our family is just as important as the decision was to start one’¦ perhaps, even more important. The expectation is that if you have one child, then you’ll likely have another. It’s almost a given. But should it be?
A report (PDF) by the USDA’s Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion released last week indicates a middle-income family with a child born last year will spend about $221,000 raising that child through age 17. This averages out to $13,000 per year although annual expenditures typically increase with the age of the child. Housing is identified as the largest single expense, followed by food and child care/education costs.
Children are expensive. This shouldn’t come as a surprise. But people put so much emphasis on other factors that finances often lose some weight in the decision process. The one we hear the most is the case against being an only child. Of course, we’re considering the pros and cons of Sam being our one and only.
There’s also the guilt factor when considering one child over two scenarios. Family and friends are quick to vocalize their opinions on this subject, but really, we’re the only ones that can determine what the ideal size of our family should be.
Also, I think one of the best gifts we can give Sam is to be a loving couple as well as loving parents. A recently divorced friend with two young children said to me, ‘œI think that my friends with one kid do way better [in their marriages/partnerships] than my friends with two kids. She followed up that comment by saying that women who want to work and have kids should have one kid.
I think it’s a really hard decision to make. I almost wish that money could be the overriding factor and then the choice would be easy for me. But there are so many other things to consider’¦ and we’re doing a lot of soul-searching on the topic. As always, your comments are welcomed below.
Photo credit: stock.xchng.
My husband and I are in the “one and done” camp. We have a beautiful 7-year old daughter who loves being the center of our attention. We don’t have to juggle competing soccer practices or endure the “she’s looking at me funny!” fights. Plus, by having only one child, we have more time to pursue our own interests. More children = less personal time.
My friends who have two or more kids always seem to be short on cash and time (or more so than I am, at least.)
I remember being told when my daughter was 2 years old that I should have another child so that she could have someone to play with. What a terrible reason! You should decide to have a child because this is what you want and you have the financial and emotional means to take care of him or her. (It shouldn’t be like buying a second puppy to keep the first one company while you’re at work! I’ve also seen people decide to have a child for other bad reasons, like to try to save a marriage. If your marriage is in trouble, why would adding a huge time-consuming emotional and financial burden help?)
She has plenty of friends and cousins she can play with when she wants to. However, I think it is important that children learn to spend time by themselves as well as with others.
Besides, some people aren’t cut out to be parents to multiple children. I don’t think that I have the patience for more than one.
I hated my parents for making me an only child. And now that I’m an adult and pregnant, I see why it’s great for the adults- You have more control, you can take the child places inc. vacations, your life is not as completely child-focused. For the kids, it’s not universal that they will love each other. Also, I believe people should not have any more children than they can comfortably afford and educate. All that said, we’re on the fence.
Also, I had two best friends that were like sleepover siblings. You get extra parents in that deal, too.
There’s no doubt that how many children you have is a personal decision. One of the most personal there is. I think that just as there are people who are cut out to be parents and people who aren’t (some of whom try it anyway and end up sort of sucking at parenting), there are people who are sort of topped out at one. Our neighbor has 5 and is considering having another and she and her husband have an amazing relationship and amazing family. So I know it can be done but I don’t think I want to try. For us, it never crossed our mind to only have one. I have three siblings and my partner has three and our families are extremely important to us. We valued our siblings and wanted to give our children the same gift. And yes, some people don’t get along with their siblings but we wanted them to have the chance. Currently our 5.5 year old and 1.5 year old adore each other. And our 5.5 year old would like us to have more children. He told us this weekend that we should have 17,000,000 more children and 50 can sleep in each room (no, we don’t have 34,000 rooms). He’s hopeful.
So, my opinion is to have a child (1st or, um, 10th) only because you want to have a child. Don’t do it for any other reason, especially not to give your child a sibling.
Only children are as well-adjusted, happy, and nice as people who have siblings. Study after study has shown this. Sure, an only child may occasionally express a desire for a sibling, but I don’t think as often as many kids express a desire to get rid of the ones they have!
Thanks everyone, for sharing and providing additional insight. It’s a big decision and there is much for us to consider. I appreciate you taking the time to comment about it. We’re still trying to decide if we’re in the “one and done” camp.
Those quotes for how much it costs to raise a kid from birth to college are grossly overpriced. I would pay them no heed. If you are a frugal person and your family watches its finances carefully, the costs of a second child are not really all that much.
For us, the big jump was not going from one to two kids- it was when we added our third. Kids outnumber the parents– it takes much more negotiation of time and logistics. By the time number 4 was added to the mix. number 1 really was able to navigate by herself and didn’t need us to dote on her as much (she was 8).
The big financial impact was realizing that after 2 kids, daycare was costing us more than hubby brought in. By scrimping and being the frugal couple that we are, we have done far better for ourselves on one income than we did on 2. We weathered my adventure in the recession with little impact (I was let go in February and it took 3 months to find a job) since overall, we stick to frugal living. Our entire brood has used the same crib; we recycle bikes for sizes of kids, clothing is shared with several families depending on size of the kid & family’s need, etc. I’ve posted much of what we do before. We are not afraid or ashamed to accept help (like babysitting volunteers, free garden produce, extra baked goods from neighbors, etc) when offered- that’s a biggie too. And likewise, we put in our help for friends and family when they need it.
When all is said and done, the main issue is- do you have the energy and drive to parent more than one child? If you pause for any amount of time on the question, the answer is- your family is done. We are done at 4- with the caveat that once our kids are out on their own, we might consider foster parenting teenagers (we took in an 18 year old as a “border” prior to foster/adopting our 4; she had been kicked out of her home for being a lesbian and would end up missing out on college opportunity. We loved helping her through that rough time and see ourselves doing similar care for other teens someday).
Nina, I think it’s really responsible for you all to be considering this. I guess that’s one area where we have a leg up over straight couples. Because we have to plan to get preggers (or adopt) and we can’t just get knocked up on accident, we really have to make a decision about when and if to have children. It’s good to know that every child in a queer family is wanted.
I’m not sure if this is something you’ve talked about before, but in thinking about why you’re leaning towards one vs. two+ kids something to think about is how your relationships with your own siblings (if you have any) were like. My partner and I realized awhile ago that a big part of why I wanted two kids and she wanted one was that when we were kids I had a wonderful relationship with my sister while she had a not-so-good relationship with her brother. We don’t have kids yet, but it was useful for us to realize where those preferences were coming from.
As an only child I’d say there are pro’s and con’s. When I was younger I wished I had a sibling and I envy some friends who have great relationships with their siblings…yet… just having a brother or sister does not necessarily mean it’ll be great. What I think is most important is that whether you have one child or many… do you have the time, energy, attention, and finances to truly engage with them (while also tending to your own needs as individuals and a couple) both as a family and individually one-on-one.
Good you’re having a deep conversation before you make the leap either way.
Money it important, but I think that it may be the investment of time and energy into parenting that’s the biggest factor in deciding to add another.
Our two children, who are adopted, take a lot of time and energy to parent. They consume less now as they’re getting more settled, but how might having a younger sibling impact that is one of our big considerations. Between the extracurricular activities, school meetings, counselling appointments, doctors, orthodontist, etc, we’re pretty much tapped and our weeks are chaotically full. That being said, we’re a family who eats dinner together EVERY night of the week. If we let up on that, I’m sure that scheduling might become quite more manageable.
We’re also concerned how adding an infant may impact our relationship dynamic. When we adopted, we dealt with post-adoption depression (mine) and that caused a huge strain on our relationship. When we most needed to invest time and energy into us, we weren’t able to because of the kids. If we were to do it over again, I’d make sure that our local support network was much stronger. And, that makes me think that until that local support network is even more established that we won’t be adding a wee one to our household.
Remind folks that profit could be the distinction between revenue and expense. This may cause you gaze smart.
When you can build a business up large enough, it’s respectable.