Sleeping With Money: Communication and Control
As I thought about writing this installment of Sleeping with Money, I thought I’d ask my partner Kim what her insights were on this topic. After over 15 years together, I’m sure she has some lessons learned as well. And, since I don’t have any exciting sordid tales of 
flying across the country to meet women or tales of hotties I want to at least give you some juicy lessons learned to sink your teeth into.
Like it or not, the person in the relationship with the most money holds a lot of power whether it is spoken or unspoken. When a couple’s financial picture is vastly different (like ours is), that makes the path even more laden with potential landmines. For many years, the monthly finances process was a trigger for setting off landmines in our house. Why? A lack of communication and a desire to control.
The big lesson once you’re coupled is that what one partner does with money affects everyone. That is why communication is key. Now communication isn’t the same as having to beg for permission. Everyone is an adult here and no one should have to beg for permission for anything. If you find yourself doing that, there are definitely much bigger issues at hand than money. Communication is about agreeing to a financial vision and plan and then each person doing her best to keep within that agreement. So, if I want to drop a bundle on something for fun, I better mention it to my partner unless I want a heated discussion later. The same holds true on the other end. Where it gets dicey is if one person has far more “discretionary income” than another. Then one person (in this case it was Kim) feels like she can never buy anything for fun while the other person gets all the fun. Working together with a common and equitable plan (even if you choose to keep your finances separate) is the key.
Now, the more control freak one person is (ok, I’m getting a LOT better…) the more challenging the whole picture can be. The reason is that not everyone handles money the same way. While one partner might spend hours typing in or downloading every financial transaction from the last decade and creating reams of reports, her other half may be content with just the basics and balancing the checkbook. Neither way is right or wrong and to expect someone else to do it “your way” is a recipe for yelling and screaming.
When I asked Kim to tell me more about the communication piece she said that “if you can’t even talk about who is spending what, then your relationship has got even bigger problems”. And in my most coachlike self I said – “exactly right, because finances are simply a microcosm of the macrocosm”. I know you’re saying, huh? Let me explain the concept.
How you relate to money (individually and as a couple) is only a reflection of how you handle other areas of your life. For instance, if you like to avoid your finances, chances are there are other challenging areas of your life in which avoidance is a problem. What are you avoiding in other aspects of your relationship that you’d rather not deal with? This insight can be extremely helpful in terms of building a great relationship and can help the money challenges melt away.
You can ask the same questions regardless of where the money stumbling block is. For example, if the problem you have is “out of control spending”, ask yourself, “Where else in my life am I out of control or acting unconsciously? What am I attempting to avoid or cover up by overspending?” The answers may surprise you and your partner.
I like your point about one person having a lot more discretionery income than the other. One of my friends covers the family groceries out of a small teacher’s income, while the other partner has almost all his income discretionery. The teacher feels trapped by her lack of choices.
Over the years, I’ve been both the ‘rich’ and the ‘poor’ partner (once with the same person – which REALLY threw a spanner in the works – it was mind boggling what it did to the power dynamics in EVERY part of our relationship!)
You are so right that a shared vision is key, along with good communication.
One way I’ve handled things in the past is that we make out a ‘household’ budget and then put the same PERCENT into the pot. Another way around the disparity of income is to set a ‘spending allowance’ for both partners – regardless of income.
If you’re in a relationship for the long haul, it is worth it to work it out so nobody feels taken advantage of (either direction). Money is like a lens that shows the flaws (and the strengths) of your base relationship.
Good luck, all.