Way back in the day when I was young and in love for the first time I didn’t let money get in the way of impressing my girl or simply doing what I wanted. I was fresh out of college, in love and in the process of coming out to myself (and each other since we were each Rose Colored Glassesother’s “firsts”). While I had a strong financial sense instilled in me from my family, I truly had no clue what I was doing. Even worse was that I had no clue what my girlfriend thought about money. Funny how being young and naive allowed me to make the assumption that everyone thought about money the way I did. Not so.

While I had a rent payment and needed to buy food to eat, I had very little other expenses. No car payment, no insurance payments, no student loans, and no credit card debt. I was starting out about as well as possible. While I saved as much money as possible (thank god for that initial sense), I had money to spare for just plain fun and to enjoy with my first girlfriend (who is now my 15+ year partner I might add). On the flip side she was still in college, had plenty of student loans to pay off when she completed school, and worse yet ended up moving back in with her parents two hours away and having to pay rent while not even having her own room. Cash poor would be an understatement.

The point I’m trying to make in this little ditty about my young financial life is that money really is one of the things you should talk about as a couple before you merge; even if you’re just merging into a household and not your actual finances. As I’ve written about many times before, there’s a lot more to our relationship with money than just dollars and cents. As a result it can be a huge unifier or divider when it comes to relationships. Simply gander over at the Money and Mates series to see how different we all are.

I learned the long and roundabout way that the rosy colored glasses of romance and first love really can create kinks in the relationship. In my case, I didn’t take into account the differences in family messages, current financial situation (loans vs. no-loans, car payment vs. none, etc.), or expectations around money. We simply did what we did and I paid for the bulk of it. This was fine as a new couple when I didn’t have as many obligations, but a while later when we moved in together suddenly it was not so fine anymore. I also didn’t take into account differences in purchasing habits. I rarely shopped and didn’t tend to buy something unless I absolutely needed it or it fell into one of my “weakness” categories where I tended to splurge. She, on the other hand, liked to browse and pick up small things. Well, small things added up and our perspectives didn’t match. To make matters stickier, I resented the messages and relationship her family had toward money.

That left us with a lot of serious conversations to be had on the money issue see-saw that went on for several years (at least). I can honestly say that I understand why money is often the cause of many breakups. It is a powerful force and when two people merge, it is even more powerful, and problematic (or at the very least complex). It can be a little like pouring gasoline on a bonfire at a pep rally. The cheering stops and things get chaotic and messy.

The good news is that we did a lot of soul searching, number crunching, attitude shifting, and deep work on finances together. It is no longer the blind problem it once was. It still has its challenges, however, but at least after over 15 years we’ve learned how to take a more united front to the challenge.

What has been your experience? Did your relationship with money change from the “new love” phase to the “long-term commitment” phase of your relationships? Were you ever blinded when you took off the rose colored glasses of new romance? Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments…