Sleeping With Money: Trading In Dreams
Okay. I have been avoiding these “Sleeping With Money” posts because I was in the closet about something. I’m dating a lawyer. A corporate litigator, no less. I was in the closet partially because this seems to clash with my radical hippy tightwad version of myself ; and because money with us is hard and complicated. Really, it’s the only thing that is hard and complicated.
I mostly haven’t dated people who have jobs, stick with one job or make more than nine dollars an hour. I usually liked the interesting, slightly messed up creative types like me. Early this year I completely gave up on finding Ms. or Mr. Right. I thought I’d just have a baby by myself some day and my friends had decided I must not be attracted to people who are “worthy” of me. I decided the only person I would consider dating is Ellen Degeneres (if she broke it off with Portia). I wanted someone funny, kind and financially stable. I figured I was asking for the moon in that respect so I mused that I would BECOME FAMOUS instead of having a simple life and I set out to do so.
As I have learned it, sometimes when you give up on something, you let go of the control enough to actually let it happen. Bingo. I found K. and K is a corporate lawyer but she also does lots of pro bono work for queer organizations in our town and has fought hard for gay rights on the state court level. I had known her casually for years and she is really smart, very funny, a buddhist, and better looking than Ellen. We have incredible chemistry, interests and visions of the future. She’d ideally like me to have her babies and be a stay at home mom and home-maker. Fortunately for us, that’s also one of my dreams.
It all has gotten tricky, though, when you consider that I have had a year of bringing in almost no money. I had decided to work on building my Life Coaching and Personal Organizing practice (and I do that on a sliding scale, because I’m either kind or stupid) and work on my writing and performing my comedic music for audiences. In order to make this work I couldn’t pay lots of rent, so I became a professional house-sitter most of the time and for a brief stint lived in my friend L’s lovely house and helped her clear it of clutter. I made a promise to myself not to rent until 2008. This prompted my love K. to ask me to move in with her. A few months of this now and I don’t yet think it’s a silly lesbian mistake.
But the way I do my art and work would astound a regular nine-to-five type. I go off and work with clients at thier houses maybe two days a week. Then I have coaching phone calls while at home (the quietest place), and for the rest of the time it’s me and the computer and the guitar on my arm-rest- pillow on the bed. Sometimes, K. worries that I never get out of bed (a sign of mental illness?) K. worries I’m eating bon-bons and watching T.V., because she cannot see what’s happening and I don’t bring home one pay check. She’s just not used to dating an artist. I don’t think it’s something you could ever get used to anyway. This year I don’t even bring in quite enough to pay off my medical bills and student loans and car payment which is minimal and the bulk of my spending plan. I understand her worries. And though her own job is stressful, the financial ramifications of my lack of consistent funds gets me worked up into a tizzy sometimes and that puts stress on life at home.
Add to the mix our current economic recession. People have to temporarily let go of thier personal organizers and life coaches. People have less money to produce the shows I regularly perform my vaudeville act in. People stop buying my CDs. I hear this from all of my self-employed and artist friends. I look at job ads for things I used to do and find that people have re-budgeted for a recession and are paying up to two dollars less per hour than I am used to. Fortunately for K, people are still as litigious as ever and moreso around the holidays!
I want to buy her gifts and dinners (I used to do this for my lovers when I had a real J.O.B.) I want to save some money and bulk up my bank account because we’re going to need a bigger house if we have a family and I want to contribute to the mortgage! I want my money issues to stop stressing me out in my relationship and I want my inner guilt of not paying for things to stop.
So, I have made a very big decision for 2008. I’m going to give up a lot of the community projects I do for free. I’m going to give up spending money on marketing my services. I’m going to give up the idea of making another album and touring again. I’m getting a steady J.O.B. and I won’t have much time or energy to write a lot of songs or book lots of gigs. In a way, it feels like giving up one dream for another. I’m giving up being a famous artist for being a partner and hopefully a mom. If I can feel stable and save some money for a while, I will feel comfortable letting K. take care of me and a baby down the road. This thought for me is both sad and dissapointing and also a great relief.
But, if things happen like they have before, this letting go of the dream will bring on my “BIG BREAK.” And if not, I’ll be content writing lullabyes.
Interesting decision. One nice thing about most of us, I think, is that we all have multiple dreams, dreams that we may not be able to achieve at the same time. Which is ok, because when one dream isn’t working, we can try to follow another.
Moorea: Marvelous post and I commend you for this new plan. A lot of good can come from a steady paycheck. You’re smart as you commented the other day in John’s post and it shows! I’ll look forward to hearing more.
I know it’ll be difficult for you, but I can see things from K.’s point of view too. I had an LTR with my ex where I was the sole income provider for a while, then he started working a part time job, but not enough to pay for nearly all the bills if I should lose my job. I was in a field that did not offer the greatest stability or longevity, and coupled with the responsibility of paying for most of the bills and putting a roof over our head, it added a lot of stress in my life. I loved my ex so I was not resentful, and it drove me to become as successful as I was (self made millionaire by my early 30s). In the end, I think he started taking the arrangement for granted, and took on somewhat of a housewife attitude, so we eventually split as I no longer felt appreciated. It was a very difficult experience for both of us, but the relationship was going nowhere.
I applaud you for taking the steps to assume some of the responsibilities in the relationship, and making sure that you contribute whatever you can to ease the burden for your significant other. Good luck!
Enjoy your articles Moorea – keep dreaming dahling
You and me both, Moorea. It’s important to take care of yourself and not let the weight of responsibility prevent you from achieving your vision. “Giving up” is not an option, imho. I’ve been freelancing for 4 years and I find that it’s exciting to work from project to project and define my own challenges day to day. In 2008, I have committed myself to a long-term full time employment for three reasons 1.)to save up for travel, grad school, savings and to celebrate my 30th birthday 2.) to relax and let someone else drive my professional tasks for a bit and 3.) to see where America is heading politically and financially during this election year so that I can be in a stronger position to jump back to self-employment in the near future.
Don’t be disheartened by taking a different course of action. I figure that at 30 years old, I have about 30-40 more years of working hard, working for myself, working for others and working to fulfill my dreams. I understand that for me, being flexible about my career plan and incorporating that need for diversity in my life goals, will allow me greater happiness, experience and creativity. It’s a different way of thinking than most of my friends and family, but I’m a happier person to be employed using my creative talents and not by my fear of instability.
Also, podcasts to live by: The Accidental Creative and 48 Days to the Work You Love
Wow, a response from Talulah Bankhead herself! When I was a child, I saw her on We Love Lucy and decided I wanted to grow up to be Talulah herself. Thank you all for the comments! Sucky time to be looking for a job (christmas and all!) but I’m hangin’ in!