Stepping Off Infertility Treadmill: Lesbians Consider Adoption
‘œWe go through what we go through to help others go through what we went through.’ ‘“ Emily Perl Kingsley
Jeanine and I found out last week that our third attempt with IVF was unsuccessful. It was painfully hard to hear the news since this try had a certain finality attached to it. We’re out of money. Or at least the money set aside to make a baby. $55,000 later and we still don’t have a baby.
As much as I’ve written and stressed out about the financial part of this journey, our sadness has nothing to do with the money. The money was well spent since we wanted our baby. Technically, it would have been Jeanine’s bio-baby, but I had romanticized the importance of Jeanine’s flesh and blood in our baby. Multiply these feelings 1000 times and you have an idea about the loss she’s mourning at the moment. It’s a heartbreaking time and I’m not sure how long it takes to get over something like this.
Prior to this latest IVF procedure, we planned ahead and signed up for an open adoption seminar this past weekend. Ever since reading Dan Savage’s book, The Kid, I’ve thought open adoption is the way to go when it comes to adoption methods. Jeanine needs more convincing.
We still haven’t ruled out a try with donor eggs, but we wanted to start looking at adoption if our final try with IVF didn’t work. As we were sitting in a meeting room at a nondescript South Orange County hotel, we realized perhaps that the wounds were too raw to be participating in a public forum that encouraged sharing. During the video segment, Jeanine and I were the only ones teary-eyed’¦ didn’t anyone else find the pleas from wannabe mothers to be heart wrenching? Apparently not.
After the video, the social worker passed out materials and one article was written by Bruce M. Rappaport, PhD, the Founder of the Independent Adoption Center: His words, albeit written, were the most poignant of the day:
People outside of adoption are often surprised by how difficult it is for most couples to switch from receiving medical treatments to pursuing parenthood through adoption. After all, the medical treatments are usually protracted, expensive, and even humiliating. Once the treatment has proceeded for over a year or more, the chances of a success are slight. Yet, after spending thousands of dollars on medical treatments, and many hours of time and energy, couples are hesitant to write off the investment. They may still believe that somehow, some way, they can have their own biological child. Besides, many couples are so exhausted from the ups and downs of the medical treatments that trying a whole new approach, like adoption, seems out of the question.
If any or all of these feelings or experiences seem familiar to you, they were also familiar to most of the thousands of people who have since become parents through adoption. Almost all of them found themselves on one form or other of the medical treadmill’¦ for most people, the turning point came when they realized that, although they would mourn the loss of a pregnancy and childbirth, the joy of being a mother or father, no matter how that happened, was far more important.
Jeanine and I want to be parents. It’s important to us. The seminar was free but the total estimated costs for open adoption are $15,000 – $20,000. We didn’t commit with a check. We need more time and want to do additional due diligence. But the time will come and I’m sure I’ll write about the experience and the money we’ll be spending.
I am so sorry for you guys. I’ve followed how much energy and love you’ve directed towards having a baby. It can difficult to switch gears for some.
But I noticed a seriously telling phrase in your article.
“Jeanine and I want to be parents.” The underlying want is to parent. To pass your love and knowledge on to another littler human being. The want was not written as “we want to have a baby,” although this has been expressed certainly before. You two want to parent. To have some outlet for love that has grown to exceed what only two people can contain.
I definately recommend grief counseling/support. We have had friends in similar circumstance and they found it invaluable.
I also recommend taking a step back before committing to anything in regards to adoption programs. If you two are moving onto even the idea of adoption, you’ll need to take some time to find the right agency. There is one nefarious character in Central New York who loves to work with the GLBT population. She charges up to 10 times more than what anyone else does- and provides nothing more than the cache of her name being out there in our community. Shop around and make sure you haven’t happened upon on of these creeps.
We are all here for you and you are in our thoughts and prayers.
I am sorry things have not worked as you wanted. But, let me tell you one thing – whether your child is genetically related to you or not, you will love it more than you ever dreamed you would ever be capable of. I have two little girls who are genetically my daughters, but are the daughters of a lesbian couple who I am a known donor for. I know the girls, I can see parts of myself in them, I get to see them several times a year – I love them deeply. I also adopted a little boy from Vietnam this year, and I can say that I love him every bit as much as a biological child. I’m sure right now in your journey this is a worry, I think it’s a worry for many adoptive parents – but, it needn’t be!
Good luck!
Many blessings on your quest for children. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you and Jeanine right now. From knowing a few adoptive parents, I’d say that once you have the baby/child biological connection seems to fade away and they’re YOURS. Making the choice to go that route is the hardest part (they said).
Diva Jean is spot-on with her suggestion of grief counseling. Even if Jeanine hadn’t had a miscarriage (and she had something like one, right?) it would be very appropriate. Grief has many causes and many forms.
I am SO sorry to hear the news…and I know it is even more difficult this week due to travel distances…
As I mentioned when we talk — really nurture yourself and each other at this time from an emotional standpoint – whether that is grief counseling or something else. You deserve to be cared through this big loss so you can move through it before you move forward with your bigger goal – becoming parents through possible adoption.
Much love to you both…
Oh, Nina! I am so sorry that the most recent IVF didn’t result in Jeanine being pregnant. I can’t imagine how much that must have sucked.
Oddly, I re-read The Kid this weekend also. I think it’s a great story and that Savage is a wonderful writer. If you’re looking for some lesbian open adoption voices, here are two blogs I read regularly: http://lilysea.blogs.com/peterscrossstation/ and http://roundisfunny1.wordpress.com/ .
We never tried to get pregnant but just chose adoption first. So although I don’t know what it feels like to want a bio-baby and not be able to have it I do know that I look at my children every day and can’t imagine how I could ever be happier to be their mother.
But I am sorry what you’d been hoping for didn’t work out.
I admire the bravery and honesty you have in sharing the grief you and Jeanine are experiencing right now. I’m very sorry to hear your news. While hope may be hard to maintain in this situation, that’s what friends are for, and I’ll keep hoping that you and Jeanine end up with the family you both want and deserve.
I’m so sorry your path to pregnancy did not work out as planned. I think DivaJean has a good point above, though, in that if you focus on your desire to parent, you will find your way to a solution that fulfills that desire, even if it is not the way you first imagined. My thoughts are with you both.
I’m so sorry it hasn’t worked out as planned. Goodness knows how long and hard you both have tried. A philosophy I try to remember is that no matter what happens, good things will come. If and when the day comes that you have a child that you love and cherish, this will have been the path to that child and I think you will thankfully know that you wouldn’t have changed a thing.
Mark and I wish you and Jeanine the best! Hang in there!
Thanks to all of you for the warm comments and thoughtful suggestions. It means a lot to hear supportive words from the Queercents community. We’re taking it to heart as we move forward with our journey.
Thanks for participating in this week’s Carnival of Family Life, hosted at at Adventures in Juggling. Stop by and read the other wonderful entries!
And good luck with your ongoing efforts to become parents!
I’m sorry to hear about your loss. Even setting aside a dream is a loss unto itself, and that’s definitely part of the process of moving on.
Adopting a child won’t be the same as having your own, having a biological child together or even raising your lover’s child. (I’m adopted, so I get to say this with impunity – it’s not the same and trying to pretend it is denies some emotional realities that are better acknowledged.) That doesn’t mean it’s better or worse, it’s just different and you need to untangle a bunch of different desires to see which path is the right one for you. If you choose to adopt I suspect you will find, as so many parents do, that the relationship you build with any child, and all that you learn from that experience will create a powerful and loving family bond. That part, definitely, is the same.