Still playing it Straight for Pay?
I’ve been out since I was 17 years old and at this stage in my life, 25+ years later, I’m learning that people still haven’t changed all that much in general. Although it’s 2009 and we have made a huge amount of progress in gay rights, it’s interesting that people still focus on who goes to bed with whom, both gay and straight. I’m sure everyone has seen the various ‘œgay for pay’ interviews, where males and females will often pretend to play it up gay to get what they want, i.e. working as bar dancers, working in the gay bars, as well as working in various industries where people feel are gay dominated.
I’ve often heard my peers tell me they’ve felt cheated when they were hot for someone and they weren’t going in the same direction. ‘œIt’s not fair ‘“ they shouldn’t be taking off all of their clothes and accepting my money if they don’t enjoy being emotionally touched by men.’ ‘œHow can they be that fabulous with design and still be straight?’ ‘œHow can they be so butch acting and have a husband and kids at home?’ Isn’t that a bit of an oxymoron for what we have been and continue doing?
I work as a small business owner handling bookkeeping needs for a small group of clients. I live in the Bible Belt called Texas. I teach classes at the local college and there’s not a course that goes by when I don’t either hear of people finding out they’re related to someone else in the class they never knew or a passage of the bible comes up in conversation. Would I survive wearing a large pride flag emblem on my clothes? I don’t think so ‘“ especially in this economy. Also the numerous questions I get about being married, having children, going hunting, etc. have made life a bit more interesting too in dealing with such an inquisitive group of people.
I have to say that the purpose of this article is to offer two different pieces of advice. The first is that we all have to survive and do what we have to do, because it’s no one’s business whether I’m with a man or a woman but I also don’t need to advertise it either. The second is that I never lie about who I am ‘“ I simply give the people the answers they want to hear. Here are a few examples:
So are you married? I’m married to my work ‘“ I just haven’t found the right one to be able to share it with but when I do I’ll be sure and let you know.
Do you have kids? No ‘“ I’ve never been that fortunate although at this stage in the game, I’d rather adopt to give a child a second chance.
Have you ever been married? No ‘“ I’ve come close a few times but never did take the plunge. Call it cold feet and maybe they got tired of waiting on me, but I feel that it may be the path that’s already been chosen for me and who am I to question the Man upstairs.
None of these answers are lies ‘“ they are telling people what they want to hear and satisfying their curiosity. As long as I’m true and honest to myself, there’s no reason to tell them, unless of course they’re looking for a date.
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Dwayne J. Briscoe, Owner
Bookkeeping-Results, LLC
Dwayne@bookkeeping-results.com
Photo credit: stock.xchng.
Interesting advice, Dwayne. I think a lot of us who live in relatively gay-friendly parts of the country forget what it’s like to negotiate our lives in less accepting locales.
I’ve definitely had the opposite experience where I live: to keep straight bouncers from hitting on a (straight) friend of mine, she and I pretended to be dating. Not only did it get the straight bouncers offer her back, but I found out she got a raise. (She works at a gay club.)
Situations like hers and yours are reminders of how much sexual preference influences others’ opinions, even though one’s personal preference is so normalized.
I really feel for you, Dwayne. I lived in a similar situation for many years. Things are great here in MA, and I’m totally out now, but, even so, I still find myself hedging the marriage question in unknown situations, especially at work. It’s so important for us all to be as out as possible, but I think the operative words here are “as possible.” When your livelihood could be lost, or you could be treated poorly, I am not sure it is worth it.
You hang in there! Living in Texas is tuff! You do what you have to do to survive and all the best to you!
Dwayne: It’s a bummer to hear that you have to play the game of ambiguity with students, clients and business associates in order to survive in this economic climate. I’ve always been of the belief that it’s better for the collective community, if we all come out – regardless of the cost. I suspect there are many who don’t agree with me.
I actually came out at work before I had the courage to come to my parents. For me personally, there are more benefits than negatives when it come to showing our true colors. Selisse Berry, Executive Director of Out & Equal Workplace Advocates said, “We know that when employees bring their whole lives to work, they are happier, more productive, and have decreased rate of turnover.”
But that’s the verdict when you’re an employee… owning a small business has different complexities and lacks the protections afforded to many members of corporate America.
Here’s another view reminding us that whatever our decision, we should be prepared for the results: