The Golden Rule
The Golden Rule:
It appears to me (and I hope I am not alone in this) that many members of our community are playing the wrong game, fighting the wrong war and losing the current battle. We tend to play by the very rules from the very entity that tends to withhold the very freedom that we tend to desire very much without tending to give it very much thought.
I write of the community of which I am part but from which I feel ostracized. I write about the entity I despise but all-too-often accept. I write about the very freedom that not only my/our community desires, but is the desire of all humanity.
Why is it that we are ‘“more often than not ‘“ portrayed by pop-culture as the flamboyant queen or the man-hating butch? Why do some who even fit that description get offended by the inquiry? Why do I fall into the same trap of trying to act more flamboyant ‘“ or even extra-butch ‘“ just for the sake of fitting the stereotype? Why do I feel I will get more people responding to this column with argument and less with agreement?
Self-fulfilling Prophecy
I often feel ostracized from the GLBT community. It might be because I don’t ascribe to the standard “hate the right-wing, love the left-wing mentality” or because I feel like I show people the way I feel it ought to be and then get treated like Rush Limbaugh just because I tout that belief as my own. I know, what does that mean? (Notice how I stated that I “feel” this way. It may be something I just made up in my head, but it certainly feels this way.)
Because I am not following the same old play, I notice a certain way that what I say is commonly portrayed as anti-gay. Hey! In other words, I feel discriminated against by members of the GLBT community and I feel that discrimination is based, in large part, on the fact I don’t automatically jump aboard the oppressed, hate-machine that dogs on Christians and Republicans (neither of which I would say I was, although I do believe in the teachings of Christ Jesus) and play lovey-dovey with Liberal Democrats.
I’ve said it before, I am a Libertarian meaning I am fiscally conservative (responsible) and socially liberal (tolerant). Whenever I preach these many messages to members of my community, I feel marginalized by most who wished I would get on their bandwagon or get out of the way. Is this feeling because I speak my mind more often than not? Maybe I should just shut up. But I see man-hating butch lesbians who listen to every syllable of every word from anyone they believe might say something derogatory towards their hairy armpits and mullet-style hairdos. I also see plenty of meth-addicted, promiscuous twinks who flaunt their effeminate, punch-drunk 12 year-old-girl attitudes at every chance they get. I notice bashing sessions on other races, cultures and religions and begin to understand why we as a community are often treated as second-class. If you don’t fit the descriptions I write about, then I do not refer to you; I only ask of you that you help pick up those described by their bootstraps and help our community shed its image.
Let’s Take a Stand
My outcast mentality I’ve referred to is quite similar to how I would compare Barak Obama and/or Colin Powell, analogous to their race. Not that I have any remote level of recognition or nearly their power, but I feel similar in the respect that the majority of our respective communities (mine being the GLBT community; theirs, the African-American) don’t respect our points of view because said points challenge an all-too-common “victim mentality.” Or maybe it’s just many of the squeaky wheels who require too much grease for too little to show who all-too-often overshadow those who believe otherwise. I don’t refer to one point of view in particular; however, something can be said for the fact that much of our community is typecast as a set of gender-bending, overtly-sexual, high-maintenance, bitches (referring to both men and women, yet surprisingly not for transsexuals’¦ yet).
Chicken or the egg?
When I break it open, I ask myself, am I feeling this way because I am looking to feel this way, or are people really treating me this way and then I begin to see it more? I find that many of my male and female friends in the GLBT community are just that ‘“ gender-bending, overtly-sexual, high-maintenance bitches. This includes, especially’¦ me! There, I just said it. I too fall into the same trap of wondering about nurture versus nature and can’t decide if it’s due to the preconceived notion that I am supposed to fall into the rank-and-file “gay guy,” or if I really am naturally like this for a reason. Still with me?
I remember liking Madonna at an early age. Hanging my hand limply to one side when I walked as a kid, I was often chided for the feminine behavior I innocently, yet frequently displayed. By an early teen, I was caught with another boy my age, doing not-so-pure things. This, of course didn’t help me or my reputation. Does this make me another statistic? Sure. Does it mean that I contribute to the negative attitudes toward our culture? Possibly. Why am I like this? Is there something about my inherent desires that create an environment for which I am oppressed? Am I really oppressed or is this a state of mind?
I would like to refer back to the first real thought of this column.
I think I just may get a little bit of flak for this article. I believe it is because I speak the truth ‘“ my own ‘“ and for that, I will be further ostracized. I want to be one of the first I have read to stand up and demand our community be themselves but don’t over-dramatize, overreact or over-exaggerate. Point to the sky but don’t point your judgement finger, lest ye be judged. Have love for yourself but don’t hate others for their beliefs ‘“ be it the Christian Right or members of our own community (like me) who want to put the oppression behind us. Make a difference in our community by trying to break the mold. Don’t discriminate but try your best to support GLBT businesses. Take care of yourself and then reach out to someone less fortunate (even someone in our community or a Christian who’s down on his or her luck). Show those who oppose who knows about open minds, forgiveness, and unconditional love.
Do unto others as you would have done to you.
A few points…
1. Blow off the stereotypes.
Stereotypes exist because they have an element of truth. Everyone knows that stereotypes don’t apply to every member of the given group. If you’re offended by a stereotype, then just don’t be whatever that stereotype is and move on. Other than that there’s not much you can do, and it’s not worth wasting time and energy over it.
2. Judge, and prepare to be judged.
Judging people based on silly things like skin color, sexual orientation, nationality, etc, is bad. But judging people based on their ideas is good. A person’s ideas reflect their values, held conciously or not, and it is vitally important to distinguish between people with good and bad values. Ideas matter. People live and die every day because of good or bad ideas that are held by people in power and enacted in law. Be prepared to defend your ideas, and when you can’t defend them, that’s a sign you may need to change them.
3. Identify yourself by ideology.
Lines drawn by ideology are more important than lines drawn by race or sexual orientation. I’m a capitalist, atheist, libertarian, objectivist first (and not necessarily in that order). These are the things that define me. Race and orientation don’t tell you much about me.
I don’t feel like part of the ‘gay community’ because, well, I’m not. I’m part of the libertarian community. The ‘gay community’ mostly wants to force people to act a certain way, just like the conservative christians do.
4. Real friendships are based on values.
My best friend is straight. He’s also a capitalist, atheist, libertarian, objectivist (and not necessarily in that order). I have plenty of gay friends, but none of those friendships will ever reach the same depth because of the fundamental difference in values. I suggest that when seeking out friends, you look for a similar ideology on some level, or at least someone who believes in personal responsibility or some other principle that’s important to you. You’ll find these friendships much more rewarding than preaching to liberals who aren’t interested in taking a critical look at the ideas they support.
Holy crap that was a long comment. 🙂
The actions resulting from people’s beliefs and values are the very things that they should be judged upon. If you have prejudices and so treat other human beings badly, I reserve the right to hold you in contempt.
If you hold views different to mine and you don’t act badly, then why on earth should I complain?
Marc, is the tone of this article how you present yourself in real life?
I’ve been friends with a few people with whom I had strong political differences, and sometimes those debates were even an integral part of the friendship. But the people were, first and foremost, friendly and welcoming people.
This article comes across like a judgmental, holier-than-thou diatribe. If I met you at a party and you came across like this, I’d probably avoid you too. It isn’t about the opinions, it’s about how (and when and where) they get communicated.
Did I miss the financial angle here?
I was nodding my head along with you until… “man-hating butch lesbians who listen to every syllable of every word from anyone they believe might say something derogatory towards their hairy armpits and mullet-style hairdos.” And then the “twinks” commentary.
My girlfriend was treated terribly by fellow lesbians at a West Coast university because she is just not a typical liberal, leftie lesbian. I’ve seen intolerance and ridiculous behavior.
Like a lot of minority communities, much time and effort is wasted on who is “acceptable” and who isn’t. Bisexuals? Trannies? Post-op? Pre-op? Butches? Lesbians who have slept with men, and might do so again? Libertarians? Even, gasp!, Conservatives?
This is a losing battle – one that should not even be joined. We are “stuck” with all sorts of people who we may not normally speak with otherwise, except they are gay or lesbian or bi or trans… Butches and twinks are with us to stay, as are libertarian homos, conservative gay cowboys, and drag queens, along with more permutations than I can imagine.
Marc, from the tone of your commentary and the rather vicious stereotypes you used, I get the impression that you are very focused on speaking your truth and not so much on listening. I’ve found, through painful experience, that one’s truth is never solely an individual experience and that even those who make us uncomfortable have much to teach.
It was brave thing to write. Please feel free to email me if you are so inclined.
I second most of the above.
Every body feels judged in someway. I think you would be hard pressed to find any reflective, insightful, self-aware individual who did not feel judged in some aspect.
Because they are aware that everyone pre-judges. Perhaps more so because they do it themselves and unlike many are cognitive of it. We see through our experiences making not-judging nearly impossible as virtually everything is an evocation of something else. However, being vigilantly aware of this tendency allows you to aknowledge these knee-jerk and work to see past them.
Often conforming to the stereotypes of a certain a community is done specifically to find identity, usually when one feels marginalized. But people are not one dimensional, like all the stereotypes you mentioned. There are so very many layers to an individual and reasons to embrace a way of appearence, speech or action.
Demanding that your community conforms to your experience of what being GLTB means, “I want to be one of the first I have read to stand up and demand our community be themselves but don’t over-dramatize, overreact or over-exaggerate. Point to the sky but don’t point your judgement finger, lest ye be judged”, not only implies that all of these ways of acting that you, because of your personal experience see as overacting, dramatizing, etc — is unnatural and overdone, and not what being LGBT means is and not an honest reflection of your community— but is “pointing YOUR judgement finger.”