The Purse
About seven years ago my niece Kate came to live with me, and a whole new world of experience opened up for me. I’m a gay man”what the hell did I know about what little girls need? Suddenly I was raising one, and learning how to share my values with a young person who was gradually developing values of her own.
I have to say the early days weren’t difficult. 6-year-old girls seem to be obedient, express pretty simple needs, and haven’t had time to be poisoned (much) by our materialistic culture. I found out early that Kate was a girly-girl, and we went through the Barbie phase, the “everything must be pink” phase, and the early stages of playing with makeup. Despite a few misgivings around gender stereotyping, I was generally a willing partner in providing Kate’s needs and wishes.
Let me assure you things change when a child hits puberty. Suddenly jeans from Sears don’t cut it anymore. Lip gloss is no longer considered makeup. And last year, I learned all about The Purse.
The Purse is a big deal. Unlike men’s wallets, which hide out in a pocket, The Purse is prominently displayed and instantly tells other women all about you. Not just what you can afford, but your style, your self-esteem, basically your whole world view. Among young women in middle school, this is incredibly basic knowledge. I however was deeply ignorant.
Kate had decided a particular Coach purse was The Purse for her. An able Internet user, like her entire generation, she had researched it, priced it, and knew the right color, a two-tone brown/tan thing with a dark brown handle (NOT the sparkly gold handle, that was a totally different thing). And early last fall, she presented her research to me as an urgent need.
“All the girls at my school have Coach!” Really, I said, even here in this rural one-horse town? I thought of Coach as pretty high-end, up there with Hermes and Louis Vuitton, on the arms of bitchy socialites of New York’s Upper East Side. But Kate educated me. “No, the rich girls have the Louis and Dior, but Coach is really middle class and I’m the only one who doesn’t have one. So can I have it for Christmas?”
Suddenly I was in a real dilemma. In the scheme of things, a $140 purse for Christmas is not like going into debt for a ski trip to Aspen. Besides (I didn’t tell Kate) I could use American Express credit card points, saved up carefully all year, for a store voucher. The Purse would effectively be free. But there’s the principle of the thing”I don’t believe in brand names as status symbols, let alone keeping up with the Joneses. I didn’t want Kate to start down that track, either. And where would it lead? If you get The Purse at 12 years old, what do you get at 13? There’s a lot of years (and dollars) between that and graduating from college!
So I did my own research. My Mom, Kate’s grandmother, of course thought it was essential her precious granddaughter fit in with “all the other kids.” My good friend Karen in Seattle, a straight married woman, thought it was a harmless indulgence. My partnered lesbian friends in Maine agreed. “All young women need a good purse!” So clearly the women knew something I did not, and I caved. I carried on with Kate all autumn saying “I don’t know, let’s see, let’s see,” but sure enough, under the Christmas tree was a khaki/dark brown Signature Demi Pouch Coach Purse.
Kate was delighted, but I continued to feel ambivalent. I love delighting my child”I want her to be happy and confident, and to have a few special things in her life. But I’m also very concerned that I’m feeding in to a twisted dynamic in our culture (echoed even by Suze Orman) that self worth = net worth. In the end, I’m wasn’t sure what lesson to take away from the whole experience.
But Kate was. This year, top of her Christmas list, is a $300 pair of sunglasses …
If it’s a once in a year thing, it’s not that bad. But I do see your point. Not only is it the principle but also $300 for sunglasses!!! damn. I paid 6 bucks for mine at walmart and I get complements all the time. I personally love knockoffs. This blogger pays like 3 bucks for $2000 shoes http://vicpicks.blogspot.com/
I got my first Coach bag around 12. It was a modest Dinky Bag, not the flashy, trendy stuff these days. I carry something similar to the bag Kate requested. It was free from a friend.
Would I get a Coach purse for my child (if I had one)? I might, but I would make sure it was a bag that she could carry all year round, or for 3-5 years, seasonally. The thing about the trendy styles is that I don’t think they are going to last, which is why I took the bag as a gift, but had avoided buying my own.
Honestly, try the Coach outlet. I get far more compliments on a tiny neoprene black Coach purse I got at an outlet shop 8 years ago than I do on my latest style. (BTW, my Coach bag count is 4 + one bucket hat I gave to my mother as a present, but she ended up not wearing so I took it back. It matches the free bag.)
And what will it be next year- a $600 tee shirt?
The time has come for a realistic discussion about money, budgets, and gifts with your niece- and the rest of your family. They seem to equate gay=moneybags and status symbol purchasing.
I am having the same problems this year towards Christmas wish lists. My daughter wants more & more American Girl stuff AND wants to go to American Girl Place for her birthday next February (will cost at least $300-400, ride to NYC and lodging plus entrance to shows etc at the place). I have had to sit her down and point out how the money situation is for real in our house- not a never ending festival of indulgence for her alone. We have economized to the dollar at this point so my life partner Susan can be a stay at home with the 3 kids (7 yr old daughter, 4 yr old son, 1 yr old baby girl). We have taken vacations for all 5 of us this summer for less than the money she wants to spend on her dream trip to NYC.
Will I give in as it gets closer- who knows? Susan has been checking around and actually found someone who does bus junkets to the American Girl Place in NYC for under $100 a person. IF such a trip becomes available- we MIGHT consider the trip- but only after fully explaining the costs and the limits of spending (ie- she’d better be prepared to spend her birthday money from other family members if she wants to buy much in NYC; if she doesn’t want it enough to spend her own money, why should I?)
I am a firm believer in not continuing to escalate the purchasing to try to keep up with the Joneses- or the Hiltons. I certainly don’t want my kids to think they have to get on this madness machine.
I am just as reluctant to support name branding. I recently posted on how my daughter (age 11) has been insisting on Heelys, these shoes with wheels in the heels, and I was worried that this was the beginning of name brand brain washing. How relieved I was when a search on froogle turned up generic shoes with different styles (for almost 1/2 the price) and the daughter wanted those instead. Hopefully we’ll survive the pre-teen/teen years without crossing that line. Though, even being a tv-free household, commercializing still gets in through peers at school.
One tactic that my mom would take for name brand insistence when I was a child — she’d pay for the portion of clothes equal non-name brand equivalent and I had to pay the difference to get the label I wanted. I remember that I didn’t do that very often because I wanted to buy tapes and CDs instead.
I have never in my life bought a name brand purse. I can’t understand PAYING to advertise someone else’s product.
Admittedly, Coach is a lot less obnoxious about this than some. However, I still can’t see spending the money when I managed to get plenty of compliments on my $20 department store find.
If she really wants these things, fine. But I think it would not hurt if you insisted that she save up to pay for them. You could chip in a flat amount (say $50), or maybe match her contributions if you were feeling generous. But she should learn to understand what these kinds of things are worth.
I think what you should do depends on why she wants the $300 sunglasses. Is it really a brand name thing, or is it just the color/style/shape of them? If it’s just their appearance, spend some time online finding similar (way cheaper) sunglasses and show them to her. She might like them, no problem. But if it’s the brand name she’s craving, I agree with the last poster – give her an amount to help her purchase them, then tell her that she has to save the rest herself with her allowance, birthday money, etc. I bet she’ll lose interest pretty darn quick… especially when she sees how long it’s taking to save that money and everything that she can’t afford to buy in the interim.
I think it’s okay to indulge her as long as a few things stay true, and it sounds like they are. 1) it’s only an occasional indulgence. 2) She takes care of her things. 3)they aren’t too trendy and can be used for years to come. 4) she doesn’t feel entitled to it.
I try to follow these for myself too. I have one coach purse that was a gift when I was about 16. It wasn’t my style at the time and I never used it until college, now I use it all the time.
Like others have said, I think moderation is key. I think we all like a little taste of luxury now and then, be it nice wine, nice clothes, or whatever. Just don’t let it control you.
Let’s not beat up on the little girls. I’ve read your posts. You do quite a bit of thinking about shopping for things yourself. Maybe consider your niece’s habits the way you do your own?
Ok parents here’s the skinny…
Kids r kids r kids…get it?
I grew up in a very well to do home. As a kid I was given pretty much anything I wanted. We all know its like to think we need something we want. There is no reasoning with them. If they don’t have the best of the best the won’t be in with “the cool kids” and naturally become the loser. Now trust me I know how immeture and stupid it sounds, but if you went to high school in america you know I’m right. And yes that does mean that for a short time they will find some of their confidence in material things, some not all. This only means yes allow them to have some of these things but be sure that at the core of their stubility and security comes from who mom and dad say they are,& not just with words. As for this materialism, I must confess I just bought a pair of $60 Heelys for my daughter, but she had been persistantly asking for them for two years. I went back and forth on the issue and finally came to this conclussion: she would pay for them herself. She had to save the money before buying- not borrowing from mom and dad. She earns $10 a week but $5 goes towards sponsering a little girl who is her age in vietnam. To earn her money she has a moderate list of daily chores and expectations. This may seem like a small amount of money for an allowance, but she is only 4 yrs. It has been a wonderful opportunity to begin teaching her about money and the true worth of things. She loves the little girl she sponsers and the constant whinning to have everything has subsided.
As a kid I had lots, but now have very little. I have learned and grown through this life change. Be confident in your infuence as a parent, that they do hear and see your lessons, and will later come back them to truly listen.
God bless