To Gift or Not to Gift? The Ethics of Giving and Getting for Kids
Are you an anti-materialistic parent like me?Do you eschew gifts’”giving and /or getting them—for kids’ birthday parties? Well, you’re part of a trend. Lots of parents are trying to deescalate the birthday wars, and are opting out altogether from the tradition of giving and getting gifts at kids’ birthdays.
I respect that. I can understand why a parent might not want to encourage mindless materialism. We want our kids to find value in experiences, not just objects; doesn’t the whole gift-giving birthday frenzy undermine that? Why not do away with birthday gifts and instead either ask for donations to a favorite cause (which in my daughter’s case would be the Save a Binky Foundation) or simply enjoy the day without gifts?
Well, on this one, I’m old-fashioned. I like gifts: getting them, but most of all, giving them. And I think the best gifts are neither expensive nor materialistic. They’re expressions of our feelings toward the recipient, whether we make them ourselves (which I prefer) or buy them. And I think you can raise your kids to be antimaterialistic and still enjoy giving them gifts.
So we’ll be happily receiving birthday gifts for our daughter.
And giving our friends and family meaningful, handmade, aesthetically gorgeous, lasting gifts when their bdays roll around.
See, we don’t celebrate Christmas, and we don’t exchange big gifts for the holidays that we do celebrate. So b-days are going to be the one big gift-giving time. I think birthdays can be the exception to the rule: the one day we celebrate (partially) through gifts. My daughter’s first birthday is coming around (March 27!), and I’m looking forward to seeing what she gets: not in the spirit of collecting swanky swag for swanky swag’s sake, but because the gifts will be a permanent reminder of someone else’s love for my daughter.
And I don’t have to tell my friends and family what kinds of gifts (homemade, indiosyncratic, gender-neutral, inventive) we like and dislike; they know us, and know what we’ll enjoy (and not enjoy!). As for donations to causes, I think that’s fine, but it lacks individuality. I’d rather have my daughter decide for herself what causes she wants to give to when she’s a little older and we do an end-of-year donation ritual.
Material objects have their place, in birthdays and in life. I think mindful consumerism is possible, even in the sea of plastic crap that is unrelentingly marketed to kids. In fact, teaching my daughter to honor giving and receiving’¦.is a gift.
We also intend to continue a tradition my mother instilled in me: the thank-you card.
No matter how big or small the gift, I was expected to write a handwritten, heartfelt thank-you card each and every time I received a gift. My relatives have kept some of my more hilarious efforts (‘œThanks for the slinky. I ate it.’). Gratitude is always in style.
So, where do you stand on gifts? Do you let your kids choose gifts for their friends? Do you set money limits? Do you eschew gifts altogether? Do you think the anti-gift movement is ridiculous, or a way of keeping the keeping-up-with-the-Joneses materialistic frenzy to a minimum?
We have serious budgeting we do for gifting. With our 4 kids, we try to keep things even- however- this past Christmas, it wasn’t quite so.
Chiefly baecause of the baby, who was only 8 months old. A nine year old girl clearly has more “wants/needs” than a baby does.
That being said- we do try to keep the size of the Xmas piles at least even, but that won’t be for long since the eldest is starting to want pricier items (she’s looking at ipods with increasing passion).
Since I make a lot of non nuclear family presents (that is for family members not in our household), we try to focus on the children.
We have a birthday present box that we draw from for friends at school inviting to parties. Hubby works weekends before Xmas and get paid in toys- some that that make their way under the tree- others go in the birthday box.
We also have our kids clear out toys a few times each year- the best happened before Xmas this year (I’ve told this story before). Our church has a giving tree with slips of paper on the tree with the age and gender of a child and what their Xmas wishes might be- as well as sizes for clothes. Our pastor called my hubby one week before Xmas- twenty slips were still left on the tree. Hubby is the church council president and I think Pastor just wanted her to okay the buying of presents with church money. Instead, she went to the tree and grabbed up all 20 slips of paper. She called me and said she felt this was the right thing to do. When kids got home from school, she explained to them the meaning of the slips of paper- that these were kids who likely would not see much more than what would be given from the giving tree. My older kids (ages 8 and 5 then) pulled together games they thought would be liked, books they were ready to pass on, craft supplies, dolls, action figures (my son never played with anyhow), etc– and the birthday box got emptied out. We have a vast array of clothing and sizes in boxes since we are a hub of our clothing sharing group. We were able to pull together new enough outfits for each kid too. Hubby decided that new mittens and hats were needed for each kid- so $40 was spent at the Dollar Store. To me, this was my Xmas present, seeing my kids give so freely. It also made room for their Xmas things coming down the pike. This alone has me thinking that we are teaching our children well- to share what riches we become stewards of and to look out for those in need.
Those are terrific suggestions, DivaJean; I love how you incorporate _giving_ into getting and gifting! And recycling always rocks.