I don’t know about you but this new trend toward self checkout in stores has hit on my last nerve. While I am all for being self sufficient when I go somewhere to buy stuff and am spending money, I don’t want to have to be the employee too. That is why you hire Self Checkoutcheckout clerks. They know how to use (or at least fight with) the bar code scanner and get paid lousy wages to put up with the customers.

Now, I don’t have any problem having self checkout as an option, but when that leaves only one “real person” checkout lane open with a line 8 deep what’s a busy girl to do? Well, she has to trot reluctantly to the self checkout line and let the games begin.

The beauty in this supposed efficient self-serve model is that they have one store employee standing in the middle of 4-6 checkout areas to “help”. It is not a “help” when you have to walk over there to ask a question multiple times and there is no way in hell they are going to hear you and proactively help. Unless, of course you’ve lost your cool and are standing there ranting and banging on the machine (I’ve come dangerously close).

My recent late night, soaking wet in a thunderstorm experience with one of these self scan beauties in the grocery store led me to this installment of the burning question – what would you do?

Now, let’s assume that you have only a handful of inexpensive grocery items (although these days I don’t think inexpensive and groceries are two words that go together). You are merrily trying to get your items to register on the scanner by swiping them past the glass 3, 4, 5, 6 times while muttering obscenities under your breath and talking to the machine (please little bucket of microchips, recognize the peanut butter you fool!). You’re getting tired of this charade especially when combined with the Rubik’s cube-like puzzler of trying to scan your produce. Hit touch pads, dial in produce codes, weigh the food, and bag it all while having some drone like Stepford Wive’s voice come from the machine telling you to “remove your item from the scanner, please place in bag”.

As the time ticks on and this fast and efficient means of checking out has frayed your last nerve, you hit one of those lovely products that the scanner just won’t scan. Try as you might swiping 1, 2, 3 times and then turning it upside down, right side up, sideways and continuing to try 4, 5, 6, 10 times to get it to register, the damn thing won’t scan. And, it’s not just one item but several. Do you:

a) Go to the employee in the middle and beg for help even though she is trying to corral 5 other lines in a scene akin to herding feral cats?

b) Put the damn thing in the bag anyway figuring you’ve done your due diligence and the damn company should reinstate real checkers?

c) Stand at your kiosk and cry like a baby and see if anyone comes to rescue you?

d) Re-scan another item that is similar in price so at least you feel honest even if their SKU inventory is wrong?

e) Throw everything in the bag and yell at the top of your lungs in your best Forrest Gump Voice “In the Bag, In the Bag, In the Bag…”

The end of my story is that since it was slow, the employee was sort of paying attention to me and came to my rescue so my ethical dilemma was averted. Yet, I know this isn’t the last time I go to battle with the self checkout.

How about you? What battle scars and war stories can you tell about your experience with the neighborhood self-checkout? And, what would you do? – a, b, c, d, e, or some other creative solution? Love to hear about it in the comments….