WWYD: Speak Now, Or Forever Hold Your Peace?
Forbes estimates that the average cost of a wedding is $28,000. The average cost of a divorce ranges from $15,000 to $30,000. There are no figures for the LGBT community because we can’t legally marry in most of the U.S and the world. However, it’s safe to assume queers will throw a good party, especially to celebrate a union, and lots will be at stake should the couple separate.
Gay or straight, we’ve all had some reservations about a friend or relative’s decision to seal a commitment with a formal union. [I’ll just use marriage and union interchangeably.] Perhaps you felt the couple was rushing to the altar, or perhaps you had legitimate reasons to believe your friend or relative was about to marry an evil troll sure to wreak havoc in the lives of everyone in his or her path. Bottom line: you have a bad feeling. Do you say something to stop this union? How can you justify this meddling?
Of course, the emotional cost of a failed marriage or union is greater than what dollars can measure, but sometimes people jump into commitment ignoring all that is at stake. As a friend or family member, it’s hard to watch someone jump blindly into a potentially disastrous situation. Besides wanting to spare your friend or relative heartache, you’d also like them consider the threats posed to their assets, time, energy and potential children.
Nearly half of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. You have a 50/50 chance of being right about your intuition. Is it worth risking your relationship with a friend or relative to speak up about a marriage you think is doomed?
It’s a tough question for me to answer. I’ve gotten in hot water for telling people why I think their partner is a jerk. I felt mistreated for being honest, as well as right. The relationships to which I objected have never lasted.
I’m not sure it’s worth the trouble of speaking up anymore. Now I think I should just let people make their own mistakes. Although, the drawback is that I’d have to hear frequent reports about how the relationship isn’t working. Sometimes, bad relationships are a no-win situation for everyone. Then again, some bad relationships turn into good relationships.
Dear readers, what would you do?
I don’t say anything – people don’t really want to know and ascribe alternative unflattering motives to your comments, its just not worth the hassle. If I really don’t like the someone’s partner, I just try to avoid them in social situations.
I don’t think there’s an “either/or” answer here. It depends on your personality, your relationship with your friend or relative, and what your concern about their prospective spouse is.
If it were something like I thought the enamorata was a drug addict or an abuser, I would probably say something. A cheater is an edge case. Anything else, and I would only say something if it was a very close friend. I think.
That said, I warned my college bff that I thought her new girlfriend was an abuser — and that other people whom the girlfriend had abused asked me to warn her — and I was the one cut out of communication with them. So you also have to be prepared for it not to work, and to be very emotional for you.
we just went through this with my best friend. So many red flags, often from her own mouth! But when trying delicately to talk with her about our feelings about him and our concerns for her, she brushed them all off. It became apparant that she was really invested in getting married and he was the one she’d picked to do it with. Yes, her priorities were in that order: wedding and then man.
So, we didn’t push it. We’re really worried about her, and we call her every week to check in, and we’re determined that when she’s ready we’ll step in and help her, but we didn’t want to risk alienating her when she was determined to do this thing.
I never speak up unless I’m asked. From experience, the person knows s/he is dating a schmuck but can’t seem to leave. Also, many people are in denial about the losers in their relationships and would be more than happy to exile the enlightened messengers so that the comfort of oblivion is resumed.
I have to echo the “it depends” opinion.
If there are red-flags that the partner is abusive, I will wait for a good lead-in to bring it up. However, it’s important to note two things about that. First, I am on the lookout for that lead-in if I’m already worried, so I’m ready to say something when the opportunity presents itself. And second, I wait for the lead-in to come from my friend who is partnered with the abusive person—I DON’T bring it up myself. It’s also important that I make sure to keep my language pretty non-abrasive, because (as someone mentioned) you run the risk of having your friend cut you out of their life…and that means that if things get to a breaking point, you’re not going to be able to help your friend because you’re not around anymore.
If it’s not an abusive relationship, and it’s just that I don’t like the person or I don’t think they’re a good match, then I really don’t think it’s any of my business. I may not understand why my friend loves his/her partner, but I also don’t understand why some people like liver and onions.
And this works in reverse as well: I expect my friends to speak up if I’m in a relationship that is looking abusive, but I expect them to keep their opinions to themselves if they simply don’t like who I’m with because their personalities don’t mesh.
I was in this situation with a very close friend. About a month before his marriage, I took him out for drinks and asked him if he was sure he was ready for this level of commitment and whether this was the right match. I wasn’t so much concerned about either of them being abusive or anything like that, but the match wasn’t particularly made in heaven at the time.
He assured me that everything was copacetic, so I backed off. Six years later, they are in the middle of trying to figure out whether they should get divorced, have a trial separation, or exert superhuman effort to keep it together.